JOAN BARTON : THE MOST FUN I HAD WITHOUT LAUGHING

With Rusty Warren adult comedy albums selling well, and looking fondly back at the success they had with cute Dorothy Provine, some funster at Warner Bros. decided it might be safe and profitable to put out an album of mildly risque songs done by a saucy-voiced blond. That's as good a theory as any for how record racks briefly held Joan Barton's album of sanitized Bessie Smith numbers ("Kitchen Man") and "sophisticated" tunes that Charlie Drew and other hotel nightclub bon vivants sang ("She Had to Go And Lose It At the Astor"). Joan, perhaps following the style of Mae West, figured "sexy" means adding an extra vowel on the punchlines. It's not that sexy at all nor is it, quoting a song line Joan sings, "oh so hot-teh." She also has a habit of over-doing her party girl-vamp persona by an almost corny, leering delight in emphasizing a double entendre. Like: "he can lick my sugar bowl."

And so we take a very quick look 'n' listen at Joan's "Low Lights and Laughs" album. "The Most Fun I Had Without Laughing," won't be the most fun you've had at the blog, and you won't be laughing. But you've gained in your knowledge of Joan the Obscure. (Anyone get the Thomas Hardy reference? Now you see what becomes of literacy...writing to nearly nobody on a free blog!)

Just who the hell was Joan Barton? Well, she wasn't Joan Barton -- she was born Ann Bock in McKeesport. She wowed the locals with her singing, and at just 14, now name-changed to "Mary Ann," she sang with Phil Spitalney's Orchestra. She sang on radio shows hosted by Rudy Vallee and other names nobody cares much about anymore. She did the obligatory USO tours and was welcomed by the soldiers because her measurements were 37-24-35. After the war, 1947, age 22, Joan reached the height of her success with a role in John Wayne's "Angel and the Badman," performing several songs. Sadly, attention spans were as short then as they are now, and she didn't get much film work after that. She was barely able to get small film roles...roles so small, she wasn't even listed in the credits. These included glimpses of her as a showgirl in "Two Tickets to Broadway" and a Harem cutie in "Aladdin and his Lamp."

Her follow-up was the 1948 film "Mary Lou," a big chance for her. Unfortunately the film and her acting career pretty much disappeared.

Barton managed an "Ed Sullivan Show" appearance in 1950, worked nightclubs, and went from dating A-list guys like Dick Powell to rich guys who might be older, but carried a fat wallet.

Her marriage to rich Fred S. Guggenheimer, began and ended the same year. The 1950 divorce were fodder for some lurid headlines in both her show biz town of New York, and Fred's quieter digs in Lowell, Massachusetts.

Here's a file photo of Joan and Fred, along with the caption on the back...

Barton was married for a while to used-car dealer "Madman" Muntz, notorious for his pioneering hard-sell and totally ludicrous TV commercials. They had a daughter, gag-named Tee Vee Muntz. Joan would soon be Barton-Upon-Humble, because the "Madman" was not the kind to stay married to one woman for long. Muntz went bankrupt in 1959 and in 1962 Joan's saucy album, her return to show biz, failed to make cash registers ring for Warners. Bandleader Jerry Gray (his group was called the Band for Today) was her third and last husband. She may have sung a few numbers with Gray's touring band, but more likely she may have come along on gigs for the fun of it; a break from housewife chores. Jerry had a son from a previous marriage.

A salute to Joan Barton as we near the anniversary of her death, August 27, 1976. She was a fine singer. If you're not morbid, wait a month and celebrate her birthday, September 20th, 1925.

JOAN BARTON

The Most Fun I Had Without Laughing

Download or listen on line. No capcha codes, no wait time, no DepositFiles bullshit of stupid ads for losers who play video games or love Japanese anime. No visits to a crap-cloud that serves you pop-unders from spammy spyware sites that give you the "are you sure you want to navigate away from this page" sticky stuff to keep you trapped till you have to force-quit.

ITSI BITSI PETIT BIKINI - DALIDA

It's August, and see how bright and warm it is! It's even hot in Greenland, Sweden and Norway. Thanks to global warming, radical Muslims are saying, "Brain-frying heat soon way up North?!? Let's immigrate and take over!"

It's probably still flat, cold, gray and unpleasant in Holland, though. Especially where big fat Dutch people tred in their wooden shoes. So let's stop insulting minor-league countries and...pretend we are all in Cal-eee-fornia, and we've got our hans on a nice big bottle of zuntan oil, und ve are vatching vimmin in itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikinis!

Just to make Eurotrash feel at home, the choice of bikini song is not in English. It's "Itsi Bitsi Petit Bikini" courtesy of the late great Dalida. The "zun" shined on her in terms of professional success: over 50 gold records and millions of copies sold in ten different languages. But her private life was marked by depression, some health issues, and the increasing number of people around her committing suicide.

And this entry started out so bright and cheerful. Sorry, but sunlight doesn't last all night. But night can last all day. Just ask the Swedes. No wonder they too are driven to suicide. Or stealing music in a desperate attempt to be happy.

And another apology to any rabid fan who thinks its sacrilege to Photoshop the beloved lady onto a bikini-clad model. It's a tribute. No, it's a pun. No, it's irony. No...it's...what's that thing that is the same backward and forward? Yes, what it is, is a palindrome. Now back to our morbid story.

One of the great loves of Dalida's life was the suicidal singer Luigi Tenco, who was probably already depressed because his last name was too close to Tesco. In 1967, he and his bride-to-be Dalida did a duet of "Goodbye, Love, Goodbye," ("Ciao Amore Ciao") but when the song failed to win at the San Remo Fesival, he shot himself in the head. Dalida discovered the body, and his suicide note directly implicating the tone-deaf judges of the contest. Dalida tried to get over this horrifying trauma but within 30 days she sentenced herself to death, taking an overdose of pills. For five days she was unconscious before medics were able to bring her back to life.

Life went on…Dalida found a new lover, got pregnant, had an abortion…and the procedure left her unable to have any more children. But she still had plenty more traumas. In 1970, another love of her life, Lucien Morisse, shot himself in the head.

In 1972, she found stability with a new love, Richard Chanfray, and that may have also helped her cope with the 1975 suicide of her beloved friend Mike Brant, who tossed himself off a building in Paris…the same romantic city where Dalida had taken her overdose. Her relationship with Chanfray soured by 1981 and, you guessed it, Chanray killed himself in 1983.

The always amusing Wikipedia notes that after this man's death, "Dalida had relationships with various anonymous men such as a sound technician, a lawyer, an Egyptian jumbo jet pilot, and lastly a French doctor named François during the period 1986-1987." That was quite a period this woman had. Along with all her personal turmoil, Dalida continued to work. Despite two risky eye operations, she was able to not only continue her recording career, but star in a movie and take on live concert dates. She was reportedly in the midst of recording sessions for a new album in late April and early May of 1987. Sunday May 3rd was an off-day…and she took it literally, offing herself with sleeping pills. Of the ten languages she spoke, she chose to write her final words in French: "La vie m'est insupportable. Pardonnez-moi."

But…always look at the bright side of life. Dalida left behind hundreds of songs (including a haunting disco number previously posted on this blog) and if you walk outside, you just might enjoy the nourishing light of day, the fresh August breeze, and the sight of some beautiful girl in a bikini! Or, you could get sunburn, breathe air pollution, and realize you have no chance with that girl at all.

The doll DALIDA!

Itsi Bitsi Petite Bikini Download or listen on line. No capcha codes, no wait time, no DepositFiles bullshit of stupid ads for losers who play video games or love Japanese anime. No visits to a crap-cloud that serves you pop-unders from spammy spyware sites that give you the "are you sure you want to navigate away from this page" sticky stuff to keep you trapped till you have to force-quit.

"RUSSIAN BANDSTAND" - PUSSY RIOT IN JAIL

Back in 1959, Dickie Goodman and Mickey Shorr, as "Spencer & Spencer," released a "break-in" novelty single, "Russian Bandstand." Unlike most of Goodman's demented 45's, it had some edgy jokes on the lethal nature of the Soviet mentality. What happens if somebody doesn't like a song or a disc jockey? BANG!

"The Red Menace" was not a joke at any time in the 20th Century. There was this guy Stalin, and "pogroms," and in Dickie's era Nikita declaring "We will bury you." The "Cuban Missile Crisis" nearly blew up the world.

But hating "Commies" became an Archie Bunker joke. Movie hero Ronnie Reagan said "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that wall," and it seemed like the Russia just dissolved like an Alka-Seltzer tablet in vodka. Billy Joel and Paul McCartney played Russia. Russia? Evil Commies?

Two words: Vlad Putin.

His latest sinister outrage: creating a terrorist state where "freedom of speech" is once again no longer an option. And a silly punk trio called "Pussy Riot" were denied bail, and after three months in the clink, got sentenced to two years in jail. And that's just the tip of the iceberg, comrade, because Vlad's done a lot worse.

In America, Opie and Anthony wouldn't have spent a night in jail for what Pussy Riot did: singing in a church for a minute or two. If two or three pimply Brits from Lulz-Sec actually crawled out of mommy's basement and protested in a church rather and pulled the stunt Pussy Riot did, the right honorable police would've simply escorted the lads off the property, that's all.

But Russia?

They ignored Sir Paul McCartney's plea for lenience! Do you believe it? Lovable peaceful Paulie, Mr. "Back in the USSR," gets no respect from the Ruskies! Madonna wore a "Pussy Riot" sign on herself and Putin didn't notice? He ain't human.

Patti Smith remarked that Jesus would've forgiven the girls. Tikhon Shevkunov of the Sretensky Monastery (real tight with "Pooty-Poot" as Dubya called Putin) said: "We did forgive them from the very start. But such actions should be cut short by society and authorities." Oh yes. Like the pogrom days…Jews aren't bad people, we just don't want them in our country and their lives should be cut short.

Citizens living in Russia were pissed off. Chess master Garry Kasparov joined a group that protested the harsh sentence. Reports say the mob was quickly dismissed and Kasparov beaten. Fighting for freedom in Russia, 2012, is as dangerous as being a Jew in Russia in 1912.

A rock band tossed in jail? This may surprise some bloggers, "sharing" forum members and torrent-lovers, because to them, RUSSIA IS GREAT.

To pinheads, Russia is the "don't spoil our fun" country. They "don't let the bastards win," at least when it comes to copyright. "Don't worry," ADMINS of piracy sites tell their bunnies, "if we have any problem, we go to a RUSSIAN SERVER! And thank God there ain't no SOPA or any other law or block these wonderful RUSSIANS who do what they do...oh, because they are so NICE.

Actually the Russians are making money off American and British artists by hosting illegal files. Grateful and stupid Americans and Brits are selling out their own artists. Only they are suckered into shouting "Fuck Capitalism, dude," and "Freedom of Speech against American Tyranny!"

That's pretty stupid. It's one thing to ignore reality because you're a lazy dumbass too high to know any better or care. These are the people who shrug, "I love my doobie, and don't scare me with that crap about how the money I give my dealer somehow goes to organized crime, or beheadings in Mexico or oppression in Colombia. That's booo-sheeed, dewwwwwwd."

So the "music is sharing" assholes don't want to hear that using Russian websites puts money into the pocket of Putin, and that Putin uses it to kill "Freedom of Speech" and to literally kill people. Like Alexander Litvinenko. In England. In a crowded British restaurant. Nobody ever prosecuted. Missed that? Here, succumbing to a lethal poison, are Litvinenko's last words, a declaration to Vlad the Killer:

"… You may succeed in silencing me but that silence comes at a price. You have shown yourself to be as barbaric and ruthless as your most hostile critics have claimed. You have shown yourself to have no respect for life, liberty or any civilised value. You have shown yourself to be unworthy of your office, to be unworthy of the trust of civilised men and women. You may succeed in silencing one man but the howl of protest from around the world will reverberate, Mr Putin, in your ears for the rest of your life…."

You think Russia is wonderful because they don't think writers and artists and singers and film makers should be paid? But that Russian websites should profit with their hosting and their credit-card gimmicks for "premium" accounts and downloading whole albums for less than a dollar? You think the RIAA is run by creeps? Well, Russia is where Pussy Riot is rotting in jail. Russia is where freedom does not exist. Russia is where lethal power games are played, and I'm not talking about a "conspiracy" to make you pay $10 for a music album YOU don't happen to think is worth it. I'm talking about Putin making sure a psycho country such as Iran is still part of the United Nations and not sanctioned Putin making sure North Korea, another psycho country, remains powerful. Putin making sure to do whatever he can to weaken the American economy. Think he doesn't remember Nikita's line, "We will bury you?"

Communism is a "commune," where everyone "shares," whether they like it or not. Disagree, and you are DEAD. Communists don't believe in copyright. They don't believe in human rights. They don't believe three stupid girls in a punk band should be able to pull a musical stunt that tweaks the nose of authority.

They don't believe in charity. When a bunch of Africans are starving, do they cry out to Russia for help? No, they cry out to America. When there's a flood in Asia, what language do you see on the planes and boats bringing aid to the people? English words.

The piracy companies now hiding behind the Iron Curtain are making a fortune off British and American artists, the record labels, management companies, offices, staff, studio technicians, disc jockeys, etc. etc. Not only is it killing the economy in the English-speaking world, it's fueling acts of terrorism and violence by Putin and his terrorists.

RUSSIA and Big Brother…GOOGLE…will tell you "Internet freedom" is vital. Taking away the freedom of Pussy Riot for a couple of years? Eh….not so important. So let's make sure Russian websites aren't blocked, and the money pours in so Putin and his religious crackpots can continue keeping the people down…if not six feet under.

Remember this: when you speak English, you are SPEAKING THE LANGUAGE OF FREEDOM, and you should be ashamed of yourselves for using this language to endorse piracy, or to say "fuck America" and "let's download from Russia." And don't use English for double-talk: "let the entertainment industry find a new paradigm for making money.

Freedom — real Freedom — not "cut off their heads" talk from kings and queens — became a reality when some British people crossed the Atlantic and created "The United States." Yes, some Dutch were involved. Some French. But the language of the United States? ENGLISH. Great men of British descent such as Washington, Hamilton and Jefferson ignored monarchy for Democracy. They believed in "The Bill of Rights." Human rights. Copyright.

Your heroes and my heroes…from John Lennon to Phil Ochs, believed in America, were patriots for America's ideals. Even when they disagreed with American policy, they weren't about to go to Russia. John fought to stay in America. McCartney came to America after 9/11 to sing FREEDOM.

Now a quote from one of the PUSSY RIOT girls. She's not like the male counterpart her age, some lazy, bratty sod from Lulz-Sec or Pez-Dispenser or whatever, who sits around in mommy's basement spouting comic-book threats about "DOS" attacks in revenge for copyright owners standing up for themselves. No, HER idea of change doesn't involve tossing other people's movies around, or making secret money by SELLING hacked social-security numbers to RUSSIANS.

Nadezhda Tolokonnikova said this after her sentencing:

“To my deepest regret, this mock trial is close to the standards of the Stalinist troikas. Who is to blame for the performance at the Cathedral of Christ the Saviour and for our being put on trial after the concert? The authoritarian political system is to blame. What Pussy Riot does is oppositional art…. it is a form of civil action in circumstances where basic human rights, civil and political freedoms are suppressed.”

Large scale piracy, of the Demonoid, Megaupload and "torrent site in Russia" type hurts the Capitalist society YOU live in. The Russian government under Putin kills "freedom of speech." Those are facts you can not and should not rationalize. If you want to, do it in Russian. If you want to laugh about Russia, download "Russian Bandstand."

Spencer & Spencer RUSSIAN BANDSTAND Download or listen on line. No capcha codes, no wait time, no DepositFiles bullshit of pop-unders to a spammy page of spyware from creeps such as withbinaryoptions.com who give you the "are you sure you want to navigate away from this page" sticky stuff to keep you trapped till you have to force-quit.

The late Tony Martin and immortal TENEMENT SYMPHONY

I guess my first impression of Tony Martin consisted of three words: "Please Go Away."

This was also my first impression of Allan Jones and Kenny Baker, who also got in the way of the Marx Brothers by stopping the movie for a song. The excuse in Martin's case, was he played a song-plugger in "The Big Store."

Martin's big number in the film was the infamous "Tenement Symphony" a grandly pretentious exercise in fake-Gershwin with florid and sappy lyrics (Sid Kuller, who later produced a peculiar album of adorable things kids say, set to music, was a culprit) about the harmonious melting pot that was "the tenements." This was specifically the Lower East Side ("the blacks" were in Harlem and "the PR's" in Spanish Harlem, both uptown).

Thanks to "The Big Store," generations who don't care a damn about big band singers, and couldn't name most of them, know who Tony Martin is. Some know him derisively while others are more loving, as reactions to this song range from loathing to "so bad it's good" laughter. Oddly, there wasn't a "melting pot" presence among customers in "The Big Store," except for Chico Marx, and some stereotypical over-populating Italian immigrants looking for bedding.

Despite being so memorable (mostly for all the wrong reasons), Tony's song was not released as a single until 1948. The earliest versions were 1941 (Larry Clinton) and 1944 (Anne Shelton and the transportation-challenged Dorothy Carless). It's last significant cover versions were in the 50's (Arthur Godfrey and Marion Marlowe) and 60's (Sammy Davis Jr.) From there, the musical tenement was pretty much condemned.

Readers under 30 (if there are any) should know that "The Cohens and the Kellys" is a reference to an ancient ethnic play and comedy film series, and that "Oh Marie" was an Italian song, thus hilarious when referenced to an Italian girl going out with a Jew.

Schubert wrote a symphony
Too bad he didn’t finish it
Gershwin took a chord in ‘G’
Proceeded to diminish it
I sought a variation on a theme that I thought pretty
And I found my inspiration on the east side of the city

The Cohens and the Kellys, The Campbells and Vermicellis
All form a part of my tenement symphony

The Cohen’s pianola, The Kellys and their victrola
All warm the heart of my tenement symphony

The Campbells come tumb’lin’ down the stairs! Hoodlya! Hoodlya! Hoodlya!
"Oh Marie, oh Marie" you’ll be late for your date with Izzy!

And from this confusion, I dreamed of a grand illusion
It’s my tenement symphony in four flats!

The kid on the first floor practicing the minuet.

The kid on the second floor yelling for the dinner that he didn't get.
The guy on the third floor waking from his slumber by the guy on the fourth floor practicing the rhumba!

The songs of the ghetto inspired the allegretto!
You'll find them in my tenement symphony!
The cry of the vendor made a lullaby sweet and tender!
I combined them in my tenement symphony!
The yelling of children will greet your ears: "Doolya doolya doolya!
Holy gee Holy gee! Gotta stop! There's a cop!"
Aaaaand from this confusion, I dreamed of a grand illusion. It's my tenement symphony in four flats!!

Speaking of ethnic diversity, few knew that Tony Martin was Jewish. He seemed to have more in common with Perry Como. He was born "Alvin Morris," and got an early break when he appeared in "Sing, Baby, Sing," with one of the era's best loved and now forgotten female vocalists, Alice Faye. Could anyone under 50 even name a hit song for either Tony or Alice?

They were married in 1937 and divorced in 1940. By then, Martin could be spotted in many a spotty "variety" movie…a mix of song, story, and maybe a laugh or two. "The Big Store" arrived in 1941, and after World War II, Tony returned home for hit singles (the best known, though maybe not in his version these days, is "To Each His Own"). He married Cyd Charisse in 1948, and in the mid-50's, made more movies that nobody wants to see these days, including "Here Come the Girls" and "Hit the Deck." Interest in Tony Martin…as well as Perry Como and most others of that type, waned in the 60's, and competition came from a new generation of easy-going singers, such as Allan Jones' son Jack Jones, and everyone's huckleberry friend, Andy Williams. To say nothing of Wayne Newton.

But Tony Martin's stuff still sold to old fans who were finally giving up their 78's for vinyl and CD, and the New York nightclub Feinstein's booked him in 2008, when he was in his 90's. He got as decent reviews as ex-Marx Brothers vocalist Kitty Carlyle did when she also turned up at that club for a few nights of "yes, I'm still alive, I can still sing, and look, I'm not wetting the floor."

Reviewing the show, NY Times cabaret reviewer Stephen Holden called Tony "his generation's Last Man Standing," a reference to late colleagues Bing Crosby, Perry Como, Frank Sinatra and Russ Columbo…and a nice snub of Tony Bennett.

We'll let Holden finish up this obit. He made it look so easy, he was so easily overlooked. But, quoth The Times, despite the "laid-back persona...Mr. Martin rarely appeared out of black tie. Young swains of the 1950s preparing for their first prom could avail themselves of a popular tuxedo model called the Tony Martin.In a sense Mr. Martin represented an earlier fantasy, stemming from the 19th-century European operettas and musicals, that of the impossibly elegant troubadour warbling to equally elegant (and mythical) audiences at nightclubs and balls. In the 1940s Mr. Martin was to popular song what Fred Astaire was to dance."

TENEMENT SYMPHONY (Hal Borne / Sid Kuller / Ray Golden) TONY MARTIN

MARVIN HAMLISCH - HAIMISH TO THE END

The first time I paid any attention to Marvin Hamlisch, nobody was paying much attention to him: he was at the piano when Groucho Marx made a comeback tour that included Carnegie Hall. Hamlisch, a Fenneman with a keyboard, took comical abuse and prompted the aging comedian for songs and anecdotes.

As it's turned out, accompanying Groucho was probably the least of Marvin's accomplishments. There are less than a dozen people who won all four major awards entertainment awards (Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony) and Hamlisch was one of them. Add to that the Golden Globe and Pulitzer Prize.

Marvin (June 2, 1944 – August 6, 2012) was one hell of a prodigy, a Juilliard student at 7. Before he'd even graduated from Queens College he was earning bucks as a Broadway rehearsal pianist (for "Funny Girl" with Barbra Streisand). His first hit song, age 21, was writing "Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows" and the much better, kind of haunting "California Nights," both for Leslie Gore). Speaking of haunting, his first film score was for the bizarre film "The Swimmer," a kind of overlong "Twilight Zone" episode starring Burt Lancaster (and in a small role, Joan Rivers). This was followed by the antic music for Woody Allen's "Take The Money and Run" and"Bananas."

Hamlisch adapted Scott Joplin's ragtime music for "The Sting," and won many awards for two soupy and romantic ballads, "The Way We Were" and "Nobody Does it Better" (for the James Bond film "The Spy Who Loved Me"). The latter was co-written with his girlfriend at the time, Carole Bayer Sagar, and the two collaborated on the Broadway show "They're Playing Our Song." Marvin had better Broadway success with "A Chorus Line," and later worked on two intriguing failures; a musical about Jean Seberg (called "Jean Seberg") and a song-version of Neil Simon's "The Goodbye Girl."

Marvin wrote the soundtracks for "Ordinary People" and "Sophie's Choice" and served as a "Pops" conductor for various symphony orchestras. The Dallas Symphony Orchestra performed one of his few classical compositions, "Anatomy of Peace." In the late 80's and 90's, Marvin still wrote for movies but didn't get much acclaim for such entries as "Little Nikita," "January Man," "Shirley Valentine" and "Three Men and a Baby," or "Switched at Birth," "Frankie and Johnny," and "Seasons of the Heart." He seemed to sense his best years were behind him when he wrote his memoir "The Way I Was" in 1992. After "The Mirror Has Two Faces" (1996) Marvin didn't work on another film until "The Informant" in 2009. However at the time of his death he was working on several new projects, including a finished score for a Broadway musical based on the Jerry Lewis movie "The Nutty Professor."

Hamlisch's music was mostly "haimish." And although some of his "soft" music is a bit annoying, you must admit it's hard to get "The Way We Were" or "Nobody Does it Better" out of your head after you've heard it piped into your ears at the mall. When he passed on, my thoughts were not about those two songs, but about "The Swimmer." And so, along with a photo he autographed for me above, is a chunk of that soundtrack music below. It's in mono, 'cause that's my radio disc jockey white label copy and for the big AM radio audience at the time, stations often issued their promos in that format.

Marvin's funeral at Congregation Emanu-El in Manhattan drew an array of famous people and fellow composers. In the latter category were Sheldon Harnick and Rupert Holmes. More recognizable to most would've been ex-Yankee manager Joe Torre, Ann-Margret, Robert Klein, Broadway star Brian Stokes Mitchell, Leslie Uggams, Richard Gere, Diane Sawyer, Liza Minnelli and Mike Nichols. Barack Obama sent a message, and Bill Clinton was there in person. He said of Marvin: "Genius is rare enough, but a good-hearted genius is rarer still." And this man, said Mr. Clinton, was "a good-hearted, humble and hilarious genius"

Swimmer! Marvin Hamlisch THE SWIMMER

Who really was HAPPY PIERRE IN HI-FI?

In 1957 a kind of wacky album of honkytonk'd French music appeared from Liberty Records...the label Spike Jones was on. "Happy Pierre" seemed to order his arrangements "spiked" with too much percussion, vaudeville and the occasional wolf whistle. The silent movie comedy approach he takes turned deadly items like Piaf's "Mon Homme" into something, well, happy. Liberty would also be issuing The Chipmunks via David Seville. Seville was a made-up name. But "Happy Pierre" didn't even have a last name on this debut. Who was this guy?? Spike Jones in another "Hangnails Henessey" disguise??

All seriousness aside, KWFB-AM disc jockey Bill Ballance wrote fake album notes joking that Pierre was "worth his weight in Miltown," and that his album was much better than "Lassie Howls Rodger and Hammerstein and Boris Karloff Presents Music to Exhume Bodies By." Of "Mon Homme," Bill noted it was "First heard as a melody (malade) whistled by Bonaparte (Irving Bonaparte) when he stormed ashore at Elba. It's like getting hit across the chops with a wet moccasin, or as Happy Pierre himself often remarks in Latinn "Nux vobiscum pluribus magnum divisa set." (We're sliding too close to the bandstand)…."

(Parenthetically, it turned out that the album notes writer would become more notorious than the artist. Ballance put out an album (picture disc, and ugly) called "Feminine Forum," and eventually made headlines as the former boyfriend of "Dr. Laura" Schlessinger, the guy who leaked nude pix of her to teach her a "lesson" in morality)

Speaking of morality, in the August 3, 1957 issue of the L.A. Daily Mirror, various KWFB-AM disc jockeys listed their "predicted hit" record of the week. Larry Finley picked a song by Bonnie Guitar. Al Jarvis chose one by Kay Starr. And Bill Ballance picked "Happy Pierre in Hi-Fi" by Mark McIntyre. Not payola from Bill, but he didn't disclose he wrote the album notes.

But wait a minute, "Mark McIntyre?" That name does not appear on the actual album, any more than Jo Stafford's did on her Darlene Edwards or Red Ingle stuff, or that members of Spike Jones' band did on "The Alley Singers," where they were fake-credited as Phil Stern and Al Brennan. And the tradition continued via Winston O'Boogie and beyond.

So finally, in praise of "Happy Pierre" and to answer the question nobody's asking: the man behind the badly retouched French mustache and goatee on the cover, the one un-named on the album itself, indeed is Mark McIntyre. A band leader, arranger and pianist from Texas who worked on many Frank Sinatra recordings in the 40's, he wrote songs with Ross Bagdasarian (who later called himself David Seville). It was Ross who got Liberty to issue a single by Mark's daughters "Patience and Prudence." Yes, at 11 and 14, the precocious girls hit the Top Ten with "Tonight You Belong to Me" in 1956. It was followed by the less successful "We Can't Sing Rhythm and Blues" co-written by their Dad.

When Dad finally got his change, it wasn't under his own name. McIntyre and Bagdasarian were "Alfi and Harry," for a few less than successful singles. And then, the ever-optimistic folks at Liberty released "Happy Pierre in Hi-Fi."

Billboard, appraising Pierre's single ("My Man" backed with "Eleanor") declared: "Not too much here…hurdy-gurdy Nickelodoeon-type tempo has been done often - and better. No commercial threat."

Billboard turned out to be correct. "Happy Pierre" disappeared, while Mark continued to work as an arranger and songwriter. Ross had speeded-up hits with "Witch Doctor, "The Chipmunk Song," and enjoyed the monkeymaking Chipmunks franchise for the rest of his life. Which wasn't all that long. Seville, only 52, died in 1972. Mark McIntyre's lifespan was tragically short as well (born July 20, 1916, died May 13, 1970).

And so, while there's a cult for David Seville, and even for Patience and Prudence, it's up to the Ill Folks blog to cast a few songs out, and say a fond "Merci!" to the Irishman who was "Happy Pierre."

HAPPY? Searching for Titine-My Man

THE OLYMPICS - "Western Movies"

Everyone's going nuts about The Olympics.

The hype from London is…what, exactly? We're supposed to care if watery Michael Phelps adds 7 Gold medals to the 8 he's already won? We should be surprised if a group of under-age Chinese gymnasts cheat and win? There's going to be some heartwarming human interest story to counter the ethnic rage, potential terrorism and moronic self-important nationalism that marks this forgettable 4-year event? Let's be honest. How many Olympic gold medalists can you name? And if you can actually think of memorable Olympic moments…including cutie-pies Olga Korbut and Nadia Comaneci...doesn't it also include what happened to the Israeli athletes in Munich? That's the real Olympic spirit for you...if you want to talk about a fucking torch that doesn't ever go out...this world is now dominated by psychos who scapegoat Jews. Are the Jews threatening world annihilation? Was it the leader of Israel or IRAN who declared that a race he didn't like should be "wiped off" the face of the Earth? Is anyone concerned that the London Olympics, the entire fucking country of England, could face a catastrophe because of a few Jews OR a few radical Muslims?

Nevermind. Let's escape into nostalgia and novelty.

While most websites wobble and vibrate about the Olympics, THIS blog headlines THE OLYMPICS and "Western Movies," a tune that could be relevant for today's culture because it may still hold the record for most gunshots on a hit single! Come on, hip-hop homey, try and beat it!

Time travel to...August, 1958. This is when our one-shot wonder group makes their only Top 10 appearance via Demon records. PS, they are not actually singing about "Western Movies," but TV shows. The idiot lead singer grumbles and slurs about how "Broken Arrow" has "broken my heart," and his baby would rather watch Wyatt Earp, "Cheyenne," and "Have Gun Will Travel" than suck his jive.

Today, reality shows are a plague. In 1958, there was a rage for cowboy shows. It was incredible. ABC's Sunday night line-up was "Maverick," "Lawman" and "Colt 45." Monday night? "Restless Gun" and "Tales of Wells Fargo." Tuesday night? "Cheyenne," "Sugarfoot," "Wyatt Earp," and "The Rifleman." Wednesday night? "Wagon Train" and "Bat Masterson." Thursday night? "Zorro," "Yancy Derringer," "Rough Riders" and "Jefferson Drum." Friday night? "Buckskin," "Rin Tin Tin," and Walt Disney who gave us Davy Crockett and Texas John Slaughter. Saturday night? "Wanted Dead or Alive," "Cimarron City" "Have Gun Will Travel" and "Gunsmoke." THAT'S A LOT OF WESTERNS!!!

The year before The Olympics started complaining, there was also the now-canceled "Broken Arrow," "Tombstone Territory," "Colt 45," and "Adventures of Jim Bowie." Saturday morning's syndicated kiddie classics and/or re-runs included "Roy Rogers," "The Lone Ranger," "Cisco Kid," "Annie Oakley," "Wild Bill Hickok" and many others. And while the soul men's "Western Movies" tune was roiling on the charts, the networks were readying even more westerns for 1959: "The Rebel," "Riverboat," "The Texan," "The Rifleman," "Laramie," "Wichita Town," "Law of the Plainsman," "Man from Blackhawk," "The Deputy," and, oh yes, the premieres of "Rawhide" and "Bonanza."

All those rednecks…interfering with the love life of some black guys!

"I call my baby on the telephone
To tell her half my head was gone
I just got hit by a great big brick
She says thanks for reminding me about that Maverick"

Following their novelty hit, The Olympics only grazed the Top 100 with 1959's "(Baby) Hully Gully." They kept going...nowhere. In 1965, they released "Good Lovin'" which became a monster hit the following year for The Rascals. No, 1965 was not a good year for The Olympics. In fact group member Charles Fizer was killed during the Watts riots. The band's lead singer Walter Ward did keep the group touring. In fact, he and the band performed at one of those multi-group shows, "Doo Wop Spectacular" in November of 2066. He died a month later. Who knows, like The Persuasions or The Marcels, there may well be a group called The Olympics singing "Western Movies" at a broken down theme park in Florida on this very hellishly hot day!

PS trivia fans, Walter Ward's "Well Baby Don't Go" (B-side of the beloved "Western Movies") was covered by John Lennon on "Some Time in New York City," and another version turned up on the posthumous Lennon "Anthology" CD.

Your double-barreled download is both The Olympics version, and the budget no-name cover version that circulated on the album "Pops for Tots" and probably a 45 rpm from Promenade or Tops or one of the other companies doing 3-songs-per-side cheapie 45's. See how much of the lyrics you can make out besides "Mahhhhhhh baby love da west-on moooo-veees" and Mr. Bassman grunting (he's supposedly singing "Bam, bam, shoot 'em up Pow.) and dig all those gunshots…

WESTERN MOVIES: "Pops for Tots" Cover Version

WESTERN MOVIES: The original from THE OLYMPICS Instant download, listen on line, no dumbass capcha codes, links taking you to an idiot website where you can play video games, or extortion demands that you wait 30 seconds or pay off some sleazy Euro-trash conman who is using some Putin-smelling site in Croatia or Russia to fuck copyright owners and the economy of your country.

THE ANDY GRIFFITH YOU DON'T KNOW

When old Andy Griffith died of the heart attack he was expecting any day, he was at peace knowing his main request would be carried out: his body carried off to be buried FAST. No memorial. No idiot fans driving in with their SUV's and trucks and waiting for a glimpse of Ron Howard in black or Jim Nabors in maroon.

Within five hours, Griffith was planted and obits on the TV news focused on how great his folksy sitcom was, how foxy "Matlock" was, and that a long time ago he was on Broadway in "No Time for Sergeants."

Largely forgotten was Andy's roots as a stand-up comic and novelty singer (beware...the ping pong song is coming!). Also rarely mentioned were movie roles closer to his own nature than the ever-smiling and patient Andy Taylor. Watch "Face in the Crowd," "Strangers in 7A" or "Murder in Coweta County," (his bald head in one scene was Photoshopped into the ping pong picture above)

Andy, who bore with religious faith and stoic humility the every day pain caused by Guillain-Barré Syndrome, made his exit from the entertainment world a touching and memorable one via his supporting role in "The Waitress," written by Adrienne Shelly. His film character turns out to be more wise than foolish, and more humanly cranky than comical. Shelly, by the way, did not have the long life Andy Griffith did. This rising star, who could write, direct and act, was killed before her film was released. She was the victim of an illegal-alien sub-human. The monkey-man was doing some cheap labor involving endless noisy hammering, and when Shelly came downstairs to ask when he'd be stopping, he killed her. Then he clumsily hung her body up to make it look like suicide. He's now in prison costing taxpayers more than the average person makes a year. Probably a half-dozen people born in the U.S.A. and needing just a little help with food or rent, are denied benefits that could lead them to self-succifiency because the money's going to cage an illegal alien monkey instead. End of digression. Time for freeee muuuuuuusic.

Below are examples of Mr. Griffith that, until now, you had no idea existed. "St. James Infirmary" reflects the tradition of the nightclub entertainer circa 1958. Like his contemporary, jazz-hipster Southern comic Brother Dave Gardner, when Andy performed, he was expected to joke around, do some set routines, and offer up a bunch of songs. Here's Andy doing his then-popular country-rube-comic bit (several notches cornier than what he'd use as Sheriff Taylor of Mayberry) before vamping into a jazz-country take on the venerable blues classic.

As for "The Whistling Ping Pong Game," maybe some Demento-heads will recognize this comic style as a horrid hybrid homage to Leroy "Syncopated Clock" Anderson, or Fred Lowery meets "Nola," or yet another one-joke one-word musical novelty that made failures of "Very Interesting" (in both the Jackie Kannon and Arte Johnson versions). To put it another way, if this thing was in stereo (persuasive percussion) it would be a "lounge" classic, cheered by the same WFMU (Weird, Fucked-Musically-Up) people who wet themselves over a download of an old Marty Gold record (in STEREO, dammit!)

Yes, Andy's musical-novelty work is a small forgotten part of his long and beloved career. That's why it's being remembered here. And it may be hard to forget these two songs after you've heard 'em!

Andy's comedy intro and song ST JAMES INFIRMARY

Andy Griffith Whistling Ping Pong Game

JANIE DE WALEYNE WAILIN' HER MARTENOT

You've heard the theremin.

Now hear a martenot. It was invented in 1928 by, yeah, a guy named Martenot. Maurice Martenot, to be exact. The versatile instrument had a keyboard; you didn't just wave your hands in front of it. But in this era of easy digital sampling, a cheap laptop keyboard can sound like a theremin, martenot or a Dutchman making animal noises. There are few professional musicians out there making a living as martenot players. Janie De Waleyne wasn't even one of 'em.

Janie De Waleyne's A-side single, "Faces in the Dark," was written by Mikis Theodorakis, and if that Greek name is familiar to you, it's because of his soundtrack work on "Phaedra" "Serpico" and "Z." Yes, there actually was a movie called "Faces in the Dark," starring John Gregson, Mai Zetterling and John Ireland, and this is the theme from it.

Three odd things about this woman and the theme song. First, of course, is that she uses the martenot, and in a way as dramatic as the theremin use in "The Day the Earth Stood Still," or the rusty-sounding autoharp Henry Mancini employed for the "Experiment in Terror" theme. Or how about Khachaturian suddenly injecting the wobbly and wacky flexatone into the otherwise straight andante movement of his piano concerto?

Second: when this Top Rank single was re-issued on the Oriole label, some double-visioned goof spelled her name "De Wayleyne." Which didn't help her get bookings. If she was trying to make a career as a martenot player.

Third: Janie's vinyl catalog mostly involves singing. She's featured on some fairly annoying tracks from Baden Powell such as "Blues a Volonte" (she sounds like Carmen Miranda trying to be Astrud Gilberto) and the more leisurely "Violão vagabundo" (sounds like Doris Day recovering from a concussion caused by a falling coconut).

Sans vocals...get set for a few cool and eerie minutes in the dark as you face your speakers and the martenot of Janie De Waleyne. Listen on line or download JANIE and her FACES IN THE DARK

Jerry Lawson, The Marcels & Marcels rip-offs

My post last month on The Persuasions drew an important comment: that The Persuasions no longer has Jerry Lawson, the heart and soul of the group. He left in 2003 after some 22 albums, forming "Jerry Lawson & Talk of the Town." You can catch up with Jerry at his website: jerrylawson.biz.

Jerry wrote and performed "It's All Right," my introduction to The Persuasions. It would not have been "All Right" if I'd gone out to see the current version of The Persuasions, brought an old album, and asked to get an autograph from Jerry Lawson! It's a shame that so many older groups on tour either have no original members, or don't have the key ones, or don't even bother to have a sound-alike that in any way approximates a Jerry Lawson, Levi Stubbs (The Four Tops) or Cornelius Harp.

Yes, the Lawson comment has finally led to a mention on the blog of the underrated MARCELS, which was led to Top 10 greatness twice by Cornelius Harp

The Marcels are remembered for putting a doo-wop spin on the American songbook. They scored a massive, unexpected hit with "Blue Moon," which was just a time-filler at their recording session but became a hit single after notorious disc jockey Murray the K began playing the demo over and over

Unlike The Coasters, who dazzled with dozens of novelty tracks, The Marcels wore out their welcome after several formulaic zooty upgrades to Broadway and big band classics. Perversely, singles they released that didn't have the trademark doo-wop sound were ignored. The Marcels shot to #1 with "Blue Moon," followed it with the Top Ten "Heartaches," and slipped away from major labels soon after.

"Heartaches" was my introduction to them. From the time I was 5, and old enough to use a turntable, I wanted 45's for my birthday. The first single I had from a band and not a vocalist, was "Heartaches." It was a "rock" single but like most songs at the time, it sounded like a kiddie record! The doofy doo-wop dips and wurps fit in very well with what I also heard from The Chipmunks, "Witch Doctor," "Monster Mash," etc. etc.

"Heartaches" remains a gem of passion and insanity. You've got the heart-beating bass of Fred Johnson and the soulful soaring tenor of Cornelius Harp. As Dr. Edward Morbius might over-analyze it, it's the subliminal "mindless primitive" and the pained intellectual lover both crying out in remembered ecstasy and current agony. The heart can't put it into words and the mind can; the bass pounds with a goofy sense of humor while The Platters-type lead singer offers deadly serious words...and there's no resolution of the conflict, which is why it can be played again and again.

The resolution to the conflict within The Marcels...is that the current version has NO original members.

The problems apparently began in August of 1961 when the bi-racial group toured the South. Allegedly to preserve bookings and perhaps save lives, the two white guys (not exactly vital members anyway) were replaced. One of the new members of the now all-black Marcels (it was this incarnation that recorded "Heartaches") was a guy named Walt Maddox.

A year or two later, The Marcels no longer signed to Colpix, no longer guesting in rock movies, the band broke up. They'd get back together for tour dates and a few recording dates, with or without key members. In 2004, according to The Marcels "official" website, Walt Maddox managed "after a lengthy court battle (to be) awarded all rights in the Marcels and is the only individual legally permitted to book the group." Without Harp or Johnson, they average only 3 or 4 bookings a month, and not usually the best-paying locales.

Fortunately back in 1999 all the original members of the band who were still alive (including one of the white guys, the other passed in 1983) appeared on a PBS "Oldies" show to run through "Blue Moon" (as pictured above). It's one of the few existing videos on the group, with Fred Johnson showboating many an added dingy-dong-ding.

Back when Colpix wanted the group to flog their formula to death, several other groups and indie labels wanted a quick cash-in as well. And so in addition to the beloved "Heartaches" from the real Marcels, you get Marcels wanna be's! The Matadors copy the Marcels and bop and dip "Perfidia," a popular Latin dance band number of the big band era, while Little Joe and The Thrillers dupe The Marcels' trademark nonsense-word introductions by doing a bang-bang walla-walla-walla on "I Love You For Sentimental Reasons."

PERFIDIA means FAITHLESS. Copying The Marcels is just plain wurped. MATADORS - PERFIDIA

A Marcels-styled version of I Love You for Sentimental Reasons LITTLE JOE AND THE THRILLERS

CLASSIC MARCELS HEARTACHES by THE MARCELS

As always, instant downloads or listen on line. No crappy captcha codes, no dimwit pop-up ads for porn or for infantile video game websites, and no sleazy demands to pay for a premium account to enrich Commie asshole parasitic scumbag Euro-trash weasels who hide in some foreign country ripping off copyright for profit.

"Zag" Zigged for "Vegetable Love"

From a Google Groups post by Roger Ford, a Brit with an itch for C&W shit: "While I was out working last night I'm tuned into the local station here that plays old country stuff in the hour from 2100 till 2200 including some real oddball hillbilly shit. One they played I'd never heard before,dopey song but quite contagious and one I found myself liking  Zag Pennell and "Vegetable Love" from 1954 (according to the info I have) I can't find an mp3 on this. Anybody here have it?"

Yes, Roger, old novelty tunes can still be impossibly catchy and...still hard to locate. Even though mp3 downloads can be easily made from scratchy public domain 78's, there's simply no money in bothering — not with eekMusic and Spotty Pie paying a few pennies per 100 downloads, and a glut of songs making the supply greater than the demand.

So where do you turn except to some eccentric blogger or some oddball hobbyist on YouTube who might train a camcorder on a turntable? Oh, ten years ago, the answer might be checking an outfit like "Records Revisited," which had an office in the Empire State Building, and either sold the 78rpm outright, or put the tune on cassette for the price of tape and labor. But Morty Savada, the guy who owned it, is now dead. We no longer have many record store owners who serve as curators and trustees for finding and preserving rare music.

Below, your download of "Vegetable Love." These days, nobody much cares about album notes, and it's doubtful mp3 files will ever need to expand to include much information about the artist. But here? Here's a few words about "Zag" (Daniel) Pennell.

Like Don Grady (see obit below) Dan was one of the many who somehow managed to make it to another birthday before dropping dead (April 24, 1923-April 29, 2007). Pennell was primarily seen on stage and heard on radio in Virginia and West Virginia. He was a guest on the "Old Dominion Barn Dance" show via WRVA, and issued four singles for Columbia. His first caused the most commotion: "Vegetable Love." It was downhill after that, with not much play for "Some Kinna," "I'm Doing All Right," and "Everything Needs Something." The latter had the prophetic B-side, "How Could It Be Wrong." It could. Pennell fortunately had better luck inside radio than on it. His steady job was managing WXGI in Richmond. A few years after his last Columbia single, he moved on to become the station manager of WELD in West Virginia, and stayed there for 26 years until his retirement in 1985.

Now it's time for Pennell and his puns. Ow: "when we can elope... lettuce name the day…water meloncholy feelin' when I'm nuts with you, Olive for the time when I can spinach night with you…we don't need mush room to love, so love me honey dew…..."

Consider this song the primitive ancestor to Benny Hill's "Garden of Love," Kip Addotta's "Life in the Slaw Lane" and Steve Allen's "I Never Hurt an Onion." And speaking of primitive ancestors, the illustration for this entry is the classic painting by Giuseppe Arcimboldo, who was way ahead of his time. I had some fruit salad back on July 11th, commemorating the anniversary of his death, in 1593.

VEGETABLE LOVE: Forget Zab, try Zag, you corny Ziggy

SON DONE GONE : DON GRADY

Why, it seems like just two years ago that I was saluting my (Facebook) friend Don Grady on his birthday (June 8), and in a blog post, mentioning that his self-named dot.com website was buzzing with activity, including samples and sales of his new "Boomer" solo album.

He lived past his June 8th birthday this year, but died of cancer on June 27th. One of Walt Disney's original musical Mouseketeers, Don was best known as one of Fred MacMurray's "My Three Sons," appearing in over 300 episodes of the sitcom, which ran from 1960 to 1972. In music, he led The Yellow Balloon, scoring a 60's hit with a song the just happened to be called "Yellow Balloon." His lone hit as a solo artist is in the download below: "The Children of St. Monica" on the indie Canterbury label.

His adult years included a lot of journeyman credits as a songwriter, from writing the theme song for "The Phil Donahue Show" to working with Michael Crawford in Las Vegas, to knocking off songs for the TV series “The Kid-a-Littles” and co-writing “Keep the Dream Alive,” which turned up on albums by Herbie Hancock and Della Reese among others. He tried solo albums from time to time. "Homegrown" came out in 1973, but his more recent effort was "Boomer," completed a few years ago. Back to "Children ofSt. Monica," which was weird then, and is still weird now.

"The Children of St. Monica" is sunshine pop with some dark overtones. The melody is so perky that only ill folks wouldn't be seduced into ignoring the lyrics. For those who check the words, it turns out that the children are being observed as "the sun goes down" and start "joining hands around the burning candle" at the St. Monica Church. What do they do next? Apparently an impression of the Swingle Sisters (how many kids warble wordless vocalize jazz??)

The kids also weep "quiet tears they share with one another," which hardly matches the joyous music and the Sammy Davis Jr.-styled impression of a twangy guitar ("now na now now na now."). Ultimately: "Heads are bowed in honor of the fate that cast their will. Who could ever know just what they're saying?"

And is Don hanging around with St. Monica at this very moment, playing her some sunshine music? As Hemingway used to put it, wouldn't it be pretty to think so.

DON GRADY Instant download or listen on line. No pop-ups, porn-ads or wait time.

RICHARD DAWSON: APPLES & ORANGES & CORN WORTH FIGHTING FOR

He's best known for being just an ensemble member of a sitcom, and for spending ten years looking at "surveys" as the host of the quiz show "Family Feud." Yet, Richard Dawson was a certified star, a guy you liked, and even admired. A skilled actor, an adept ad-libber, he could also get a lot of mileage out of a knowing stare or a raised eyebrow. And though he'd been out of the spotlight for decades, the news of Richard Dawson's death was sad indeed.

America didn't know him when he entered the world under the name Colin Emm, nor when the 20-something stand-up comic became "Mr. Diana Dors," having what it took to land "the British Jayne Mansfield." In the U.S.A., Dawson started to gain some attention in co-starring movie roles, and as "Racy Tracy" Rattigan on a memorable "Dick Van Dyke Show." In 1965 he won the role of Cpl. Newkirk on "Hogan's Heroes," despite nearly failing the audition by using a working class Liverpool accent. Producers felt he was "unintelligible." It amused him that soon that same accent was being heard on movie screens in "Hard Day's Night" and "Help."

During the show's run, an album was released called "Hogan's Heroes Sing the Best of World War II." It was dominated by Robert Clary and Larry Hovis (both legit singers with long resumes before the sitcom), with Dawson only rating one solo. It was the album closer, because nothing could top the over-the-top "This Is Worth Fighting For." It moves from sappy spoken words of inspiration ("I saw a peaceful old valley with a carpet of corn for a floor…) to alarming outbursts of almost Jolson-esque belting ("Didn't ah build dat cottage? Didn't ah plow that corn?") and crooning ("Didn't my folks before me fight for this country before I was born?"). Then there's the near-shout finale, all of it very untypical of the comical cool Cpl. Newkirk character of the sitcom.

Was "This is Worth Fighting For" just an aberration, something Dawson had to do because a record producer gave it to him? Or did our laconic, witty, sophisticated man of the world truly have a very mushy and sincerely sentimental side? The latter, it turns out, as witness the notorious 1967 solo single "His Children's Parade" (just too corny for words) b/w "Apples & Oranges," which builds on its monotonous chorus toward a "heavy" message at the end.

Interview shows and quiz shows let Dawson's skiklled stand-up wit shine through, so after "Hogan" ended, he was still very visible as a daytime regular on "I've Got a Secret" and the racy "Match Game," and a welcome guest on the night time talk show circuit. He guest-hosted "The Tonight Show" once in a while and was whispered to be a possible replacement should Johnny Carson retire. That didn't happen, but starting in 1976 he ran through nine years as host of "Family Feud." He became notorious for elaborately puckering his lips and planting a quick kiss on the equally trouted mouths of female contestants. His second (and final) wife was one of them…he met her on a 1980 broadcast. Despite the growing bags under his eyes, Dawson remained a favorite with the housewives, and they loved his flirting and his slightly naughty ad-libs. For sick kids staying home from school, there was also his lapses into W.C. Fields imitations, the timing of his reactions to dumb answers, and, yeah, who didn't like those slightly naughty ad-libs?

I have a photo Richard autographed and personalized for me, with the "Family Feud" set in the background. I do remember him a bit more fondly for the quiz show than "Hogan's Heroes" (which I haven't watched in 20 years). You can actually find "Feud" on DVD, as well as some Dawson drolleries on a "best of" for "The Match Game."

The kindly star seemed to enjoy his retirement (after his nine year run on "Feud" he did a brief comeback for one more year in 1994 after new host Ray Combs was fired). Years later, a weight gain that had him looking a bit like actress Pat Carroll as Gertrude Stein, or a blown-up Phyllis Diller. Odd, that. But the photo above also shows prime Dawson in his two most memorable TV shows. And now, below, two of his most memorable songs! Really. You will NOT forget having heard these.

Submitted for your amazement is the late Mr. Dawson ((November 20, 1932 – June 2, 2012), offering up two songs that might make you think. Or cringe.

Richard Dawson APPLES AND ORANGES

Richard Dawson THIS IS WORTH FIGHTING FOR Survey Says: Instant download or listen on line. No capcha codes, wait time, or extortion from Commies about how you should get a "premium account" to fatten their Kim Dotcom waistlines.

PERSUASIONS: IT'S ALL RIGHT but THINGS HAVE CHANGED

Here are two facts that might persuade you that you're in the presence of greatness. The Persuasions are such a great a cappella group that you can sometimes forget that there's no piano, drums or guitars to enrich the sound. And despite having no big hit songs, they've been around for 50 years. Pretty great. Behind the slogan "we still ain't got no band," they're still gettin' it done, always, whether it's old school touring (they'll be at the Fur Peace Ranch in Pomeroy Ohio August 10-12th) or trying to work up ways to keep fresh (they've done entire cover albums on The Beatles and U2 as well as their new one on Bob Dylan).

I became a fan decades ago, via a Warner "Loss Leader" track called "It's All Right." The song has a message, and a simplicity to it…a series of anecdotes and a philosophy. It's not quite right for every occasion (check Pearls Before Swine and "These Things Too Shall Pass" or George Harrison's "All Things Must Pass" for a heavy all-purpose phrase) but at times, it'll do. It can change your way of thinking, a little bit.

The first time I heard it, "It's All Right" gave me a brief moment of inspiration, and I've remembered it and played it in my mind from time to time in moments when I needed to be reminded of what's worth righteous rage and what should be ignored. It was certainly different from other tracks on the Warners compilation record. Amid samples for various rock acts and folkies, here's some soul guy and his doo-wop group speaking about some miseries and how to cope with them.

Fast forward some 30 years, and The Persuasions are still out there. Still largely unknown. And they're covering Bob Dylan. Bob, of course, has a deep well of songs that you can count on in times of trouble, and plenty of philosophical numbers that can help you change your way of thinking (and find a different set of rules). "Every Grain of Sand" or "Serve Somebody" come to mind as songs The Persuasions could easily get behind.

But listen to "Things Have Changed." This Dylan track is just about the opposite of "It's All Right," or gospel Dylan songs. It's a song filled with conflicting emotions, and the narrator is turning in all kinds of directions, with fight or flight tensions ("trying to get as far away from myself as I can") dissolving into a bleak mantra of "I used to care but things have changed." Only he still cares. And he's still twisting in the wind where a gallows noose might encircle him. And talk of existential agony: "I'm in love with a woman that don't even appeal to me."

The Persuasions take this along a pretty bumpy road…it's a long song to be do-wopping to, with mouths imitating bass and harmonies trying to substitute for guitar chords. But damned if they're gonna throw in a guitar, or even a Bob-type harmonica.

If you think about it (assuming you actually think about lyrics, and most listeners don't), you might wonder if "It's All Right" from over 30 years ago is just another way of saying what modern Dylan's declared: "I used to care, but things have changed." What, me worry? Now it's in your lap. If you paid attention, you'd be worried too. (Newman!) Two songs more than a generation apart… both songs may help you cope or hope. Or, you might listen and say yeah, both songs are all right, but who the fuck cares? ThePersuasions.info is the website to check out more on this legendary group.

PERSUASIONS: It's All Right IT'S ALL RIGHT

PERSUASIONS; Things Have Changed THINGS HAVE CHANGED

Instant download or listen on line. No capcha code crapola, no extortion about a "premium account," no use of Commie "clouds" that spam you with dumbass banner ads for bogus dating sites and spyware "play video games" conjobs.

ILL-USTRATED SONGS #22 "WITH HER HEAD TUCKED UNDERNEATH HER ARM"

Most of today's female "stars" don't have brains and don't care. They get on the cover of the Daily Mail or the NY Post pouting and posturing or drugging and brawling. Most are "famous because they're famous" twits, twats, fashion models and reality show idiots. As long as they've got fake boobs and fat booty…

…They could all walk around with their heads tucked underneath their arms! Are they quotable? Can they act or sing? Hell no. That's not what they do. Doing nothing is what they do, and this appeals to talentless morons who vicariously wish they could be famous for giving birth to too many children, tanning too much, or leaking a porn video too.

Brains not required. Personality not required. Talent not required. Hey, a face is not even required. Think how many God-awful ugly bitches with trout-pouts, Botox foreheads and dimwitted expressions have the photographers panting for a picture.

This blog salutes people who DO have talent…but didn't get too far because they didn't do anything ridiculous to get famous. Like Anita Scott, who could take any song and…make you pay attention!

"Pig and Whistle" TV host John Hewer once said "you have heard these songs sung many times before but never quite LIKE THAT." That was praise for Anita, who often guested on his odd-named Canadian TV show. The program was long on nostalgia and sing-along numbers, and the guest list over the years included Hattie Jacques, Tessie O'Shea, Barbara Windsor, Jessie Matthews, Lonnie Donegan and Tommy Trinder, all big names at least at one time or other. Yet the lesser known Anita Scott was often the highlight of the evening.

Unlike Tessie O'Shea, who most remember as just an over-baked belter, Scott's bombastic and old-fashioned enthusiasm raises a grin more than a grimace. You get some idea of the Camden Town native's bizarre charisma on "With Her Head Tucked Underneath Her Arm," from her album "Songs I Learned At My Mother's Knee…and other joints." While this British Music Hall classic was made famous via Stanley Holloway, and has had much quieter and more atmospheric treatments from others, Anita does get your attention, abetted by somebody's kiddie-cartoonish spook laughs halfway through.

Scott's career was long, ranging from BBC radio appearances during World War II, to exotic nightclub work around the world (including Shepherd's Hotel in Cairo where she sang for King Farouk) to Canadian nightclubs clubs into the 1980's. From there, the trail runs cold. Perhaps, she's in the cold cold ground. But listen to how she sings her head off….

Anita Scott With Her Head Tucked Underneath Her Arm Instand download or listen on line. No capcha code crapola, no extortion about a "premium account," no use of Crapidshare or other sites that let links die JUST because only a few discerning oddballs download them once in a very great while.

BILLY BENNETT skewers "The League of Nations"

The nations of the world getting together for peace and prosperity?

You've got to be kidding!

About 100 years ago, British Music Hall star Billy Bennett lampooned the good intentions of the original "League of Nations." It's no surprise that today's "United Nations" is even more hapless and corrupt. Aside from offering a platform for dictator-manics to shout their propaganda, members do little besides party, park anywhere they please, and claim diplomatic immunity after assaults.

Back in the day, Bennett saw this and offered a cheeky tweak that lyrically might recall the legacy of nonsense specialists Edward Lear and W.S. Gilbert, while the heroically vaudevillian delivery may have inspired Max Miller and Spike Milligan. You'll probably get past a few dated references, and the Cockney rhyming slang, and agree that Billy should occupy some space on your iTunes between Ian "What a Waste" Dury and Groucho "Whatever It Is, I'm Against It" Marx.

The nations will never agree on real sanctions against terrorism, serious investigation and prosecution of crimes against humanity, the corruption that keeps leaders wasting all the money while the citizens starve, or the menaces that will end this planet if bombs don't: over-population and pollution.

Newspapers don't even bother talking about this. It's too depressing. Newspapers thrive on gruesome reports of insane behavior from average citizens, the latest dumbass bar brawl or sex scandal, and sports. Which is why Billy Bennett declared, "What I like to see in a newspaper," says Billy here, "is a good feed of fish and chips!"

Today's news generally ignores the hopeless questions about failing global economy and barbaric acts against humanity perpetrated by so many backward countries. Instead, the lead item is usually who is fucking one of the Kardashian Kunts. So who can fault Billy for wondering when the League of Nations will take up such an important matter as "Can a bandy-legged gherkin be a straight cucumber's child?"

Billy Bennett mocks The League Of Nations

NEWLY DIAGNOSED - CLASSIC ROCK WITH A FEY GERMAN ACCENT

Meet an odd folker. Last name, Fey. First name, Karlheinz.

He's the first entry in the "NEWLY DIAGNOSED" series, which calls attention to alive and unwell new artists who haven't yet gotten recognition or a major label deal.

Herr Fey loves to sing American folk-rock, but with his accent and nasal delivery, the love turns strange! Face it, any words sound sinister, twisted or decadent when spoken with a German accent. Recite the phone book and it sounds like a list of victims. Here, "California Dreaming" is a slightly creepy nightmare, and rather than warmth, each pronunciation of "Call-eee-fornia" might send a chill up your spine. The minor-key sneering on "Sunny" sounds like it's being crooned by the stalker Peter Lorre played in "M." On "Those Were the Days" you might wince over "we were YOUNG and sure to have our way," which sounds like he's recalling the night of broken glass. But on "Don't Think Twice," his grinding vocals suit being a Teutonic Zimmerman.

If you're truly an ill folkie with an evil mind, you might even get spooked by his photograph, and think he's got his zipper down and screwing the glory hole in the back of his guitar.

All of the above may sound like fun is being made of Mr. Fey, with a fey mocking of him as an unintentional Mr. Fun. No, he's here to hear because he's sincere. His self-published works are lost in that vast jungle of freebie sites such as Spotty Pie, which streams music the way an elephant streams piss. He's one of the millions with a MySpace page that describes his dreams and desires:

"I’m a guitarist and songwriter and I am playing guitar since my youth. I grew up with the songs of the Beatles, Bob Dylan, Rolling Stones, Simon and Garfunkel, Joan Baez, Franz Josef Degenhard and Hannes Wader, John Denver, Cat Stevens and I like the songs of Eric Clapton, J.J.Cale and some more too. I also like to play classical guitar and flamenco. As a student I gave some concerts of classical music and flamenco throughout the Republic of Germany. After a pause I was reactivated and gave concerts for a good purpose in favour of help for children fallen ill with cancer and other social important organisations. For some years I give concerts, performing the music of the sixties with songs of the Beatles, Bob Dylan, Donovan, Joan Baez, Peter, Paul and Mary, Eric Clapton, John Denver and with songs of my own.

I have produced 4 CDs…available online...www.musicload.de and all the other MP3 shops…."

And a few samples are here, on what, ironically enough, is the most high-profile setting this guy's had yet. These aren't presented with a smarmy "oooh, this is SO bad it's good" sense of superiority. Most of you (and I include myself) don't play the guitar as well as Mr. Fey, and most of you would rather ride your armchairs than ride the gain in a recording studio and try to live a dream. Time to experience the unusual Mr. Fey and his unforgettable way with a tune.

UPDATE: The music link was bopped by a bot from SONY MUSIC DISTRIBUTION

This happens, hilariously, when non-thinkers are too busy to even attempt to read. My guess is some phrase or other, plus "Bob Dylan" or "Simon and Garfunkel" raised some kind of red flag, but who knows.

The inscrutables that run SONY don't seem to have any idea about piracy except to get a toy robot to fire a cap-pistol at an unarmed blogger. We all know of other Blogspot blogs (to say nothing of ones from Croatia, or ones on Wordpress) that are giving away hundreds of Columbia recordings. This entry wasn't even one of them. Mr. Fey is not on Columbia, he's self-pressed. (His music, I mean).

And this blog is trying to help him out, you thoughtless Sony beasts! Meanwhile you're sucking the cock of Amazon and allowing them to give away hundreds of mp3s as some kind of promotion? God'll get you for this. If nothing else, there will be more tsunami jokes from Gilbert Gottfried.

BOB WELCH joins The Ghost of Flight 401

Bob Welch is the one member of Fleetwood Mac not in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Though he scored hits for the band, his tenure would be fleeting. His mediocre luck in being a fairly unknown member of a legendary band would be matched in his his solo work, where critics panned his commercial pop-rock and rock-disco releases in the late 70's though he managed to chart a few singles before becoming dollar bin disposables. And since the blog is noted for poor taste, and "too soon" won't apply after a while anyway, it's hard not to notice that the re-designed Bob on those glam album covers looks a bit like Nancy Kulp ("Jane Hathaway" on "The Beverly Hillbillies") trying to transgender into a rock star.

Yes, few of those albums sold for a buck since the 1980's because those album covers were so horrendously trendy and so quickly dated; the androgyne make-up, silly accessories, and those "if I'm with sexy models, I must be sexy" poses…all a far cry from the appealing, normal-looking guy who was playing good guitar in a mainstream band just a few years earlier. Oh well...even Jagger had his make-up and Lennon had his leisure suits during those terrible years of rock-gone-fashion conscious. As for his career from the 80's on, it was known mostly to ardent fans and Mac compleatists. The sad news of his death being the biggest news on him in years.

A few weeks ago, it was "Here Comes the Night" for Bob ((August 31, 1945 – June 7, 2012). He committed suicide, in despair of suffering the same genetic spinal problem as his father. An operation failed to correct the malady. His memory scarred by his father's long, lingering illness, Bob didn't want to put his wife through the same agony, time consumption and expense. Which is exactly what he wrote in the note he left behind.

Mr. Zevon, when asked by David Letterman if he had any wisdom to impart after learning he was terminally ill, said: "enjoy every sandwich." But what if that sandwich has to be put in a blender first, and spoon-fed to you? What if it produces a burn in the throat, intense stomach pain and turns to spitting lava in your colon and you can't even get out of your chair to excrete it? Maybe you Welch on your bet and shoot your way out.

Fans mourning Bob have embraced the solo albums they grew up with, still loving what were, after all, solidly commercial love tunes and slick dance efforts and ballads. They also go back to the Mac material. The logical choice for this blog to remember him by, is the more atypical "The Ghost of Flight 401." Somehow it snuck onto the "Three Hearts" album, to occupy grooves between predictable guitar-greased productions that bury Bob's weak vocals deep in the mix, and some pointless cover versions of old hits. There was a pretense in the late 70's and early 80's that "power arrangements" and gloss made everything better. Not so with Bob's take on (the non-Mac) Fleetwoods' "Come Softly to Me" or The Beatles' "I Saw Her Standing There." But on this track, there's restraint in the arrangement and Bob's voice isn't double-tracked and sounds pretty damn good.

Our chosen tune starts with a prophetic line: "You've heard about The Flying Dutchman…" (Yes…no relation to the Crying Dutchman, the compulsive music thief attention seeker who has haunted blogs for six years, not making very good use of the time he has left). In this ghost story, there's the inference of life after death: "I'm not saying they were puffs of smoke…They were real as life, it ain't no joke…"

Well…even Mr. Zevon, in his infamous tune "Life'll Kill Ya," left some wiggle room: "Maybe you'll go to heaven. See Uncle Al and Uncle Lou. Maybe you'll be reincarnated. Maybe that stuff's true"

Maybe that stuff's true. Some are questioning whether Bob should've picked the suicide hotline over the firing line, but they weren't living in his body as it began to deteriorate. Many of those close to Bob Welch have accepted his choice, even if it's hard for them to live with it. Fans are remembering Bob as a great guitarist, an important member of one of rock's most popular bands, and the solo artist who touched them with tunes they played at their weddings. The guy may be plain gone, actually resting in peace, or jamming in celebrity heaven with his choice of band members. He might be reincarnateed into a new body and soul, or he just might have joined THE GHOST OF FLIGHT 401 in swooping the planet for eternity. The music stays behind.

THE GHOST OF FLIGHT 401 the late BOB WELCH

GEORGE MARTIN obscure soundtrack: CALCULATED RISK

Sir George Martin produced Beatles albums everyone has listened to thousands of times…and the one side probably nobody listened to twice. Yes, there's the "Yellow Submarine" soundtrack album….one side full of Beatles songs, the other...George's incidental music for the movie.

Naturally, this blog goes a step further into the obscure, and not only promotes George the soundtrack composer, but offers material from a movie so obscure it's never been released on DVD in America.

"Calculated Risk" (1962) is a tedious "caper" movie. An aging loser gets out of jail and gets up a gang to dig into a bank vault. The 70 minutes (which seem more like 90) involve gathering the gang, arguing a lot, and digging in the tunnel. These stupid movies have only two endings (they get away with it, or they don't) so the interest has to be in character conflict, fascinating technique in executing the plan, and breathtaking suspense. The film fails on all three counts, and only comes to life when Dilys Watling is around…which isn't often enough.

At the time of this film, George Martin already had a reputation in the music field. In 1960 and 1961 he produced albums for Peter Sellers, Flanders & Swann, and the "Beyond the Fringe" comedy group. He also knocked off "Time Beat," an electronic single he released under the name "Ray Cathode." In 1962 he produced Charlie Drake's hit single"My Boomerang Won't Come Back" and in 1963, Rolf Harris' "Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport."He was so busy he either had no time for a full soundtrack, or the producers had no money for it. George contributes music for the opening and the climactic ending and closing credits, and that's what you get here, peeled by Ill Folks from the actual film.

Through the 60's, Martin produced music for not only The Beatles, but also Billy J. Kramer, Gerry & The Pacemakers, Shirley Bassey and Cilla Black. His biggest soundtrack credit is the score for the James Bond film "Live and Let Die" (theme song written by Paul McCartney). Today, trying to make money in the music business is a "Calculated Risk." Just ask the musicians paying just to play in a local club, or giving the music away on low-royalty sites like Spotty Pie and eekMusic and FoolTube. Pssst…giving away the music, letting people steal it on the Internet, and selling t-shirts at your gigs instead…DOES NOT WORK!

CALCULATED RISK Instand download or listen on line. No capcha code crapola, no extortion about a "premium account"

TONY RANDALL does BUGSY SIEGEL via JEFF BARRY

Tony Randall passed away 8 years ago (May 17, 2004). He's remembered by friends and fans as vital almost to the end (he became a father at an age when most are grandfathers!). He was a great man, a great actor, and a pretty good singer, too.

Randall's first album (on Imperial) was issued back when he was an eccentric supporting actor in film comedies and sitcoms. The disc was sophisticated, odd, and even bizarre (a version of Nat "King" Cole's classic "Nature Boy" done with an Indian accent.) Years later (1967-68), now best known for talk and game show appearances (as the album notes on one of them states), he put out two discs of old nostalgia music for Mercury. At the time, "Winchester Cathedral" was a hit. He covered it, and such annoying tunes as "Boo Hoo" "You Oughta Be in Pictures"and "Lucky Lindy," along with "Stumbling" (which turned up in an "Odd Couple" episode sung by Monty Hall).

Mercury released a single to spike airplay for Tony. They chose the only contemporary tune on Tony's second album, Randy Newman's "Debutante's Ball." On the flip side: "We Only Kill Each Other" by veteran songwriter Jeff Barry (who'd had hits for The Crystals, Ike & Tina Turner and The Shangri-Las with wife Ellie Greenwich). Easily the oddest item in the Randall jukebox, "We Only Kill Each Other" can only be found on that obscure single…and here.

Remember, this thing was issued two years before the premiere of "The Odd Couple." (And five years before "The Odd Couple Sings" album in which Randall and Jack Klugman offered the fascinating and horrifying duet "You're So Vain" and Tony padded things out with nostalgia tunes including "When Banana Skins are Falling, I'll Come Sliding Back To You," which he also sang in 1968 for Mercury).

Here, sounding a bit like a very weary and depressed Felix Ungar, the 48 year-old Randall attempts to reach kid-oriented Top 20 AM radio by sighing about the problems of the day: "Narcotics and usury, gambling and vice, there ain't no big money in sugar and spice."

Then comes the hand-wringing chorus: "We only kill each other, why don't they leave us alone? We only kill each other, we only extinguish our own." Following this, the former Leonard Rosenberg sings a stanza about the late Ben Siegelbaum, aka "Bugsy" Siegel. The gangster was the subject of the 1967 book by Dean Jennings titled "We Only Kill Each Other."

But good songs never die….

TONY RANDALL Instand download or listen on line. No capcha code crapola, no extortion about paying for a "premium account" to enrich the pigs at some corrupt Eurotrash cloud server.

HENDRA AND ULLETT mash Hamlet and Sonny & Cher

Tony Hendra's already on this blog; he impersonated John Lennon on "Magical Misery Tour," the musical parody based on Lennon's shockingly frank Rolling Stone interviews done at the time of his primal scream therapy and first album.

Actually, Tony began satirizing the rock world much earlier. After working with John Cleese and Graham Chapman in the "Cambridge University Footlights Revue," the pudgy blond teamed with dark-haired straight man Nick Ullett. They recorded "To Be Or Not To Be, Babe" a spitting satire on the pretentiousness of the folk-rock movement. Hamlet's soliloquy got jangled by music that tweaked The Byrds, Dylan and Sonny & Cher.

Thanks to the popularity of "The British Invasion," Hendra and Ullett turned up on "The Ed Sullivan Show," though not on any show The Beatles were on. Their routine on American baseball was very funny and they managed to get an album released in America (ok, on the London Records label). The liner notes were credited to (if not actually written by) Jackie Mason: "…It's an amazing thing how all the [British] Entertainers are taking over in this country: The Beatles, Anthony Newley, Tessie O'Shea, and now Hendra and Ullett. We used to send Bundles to Britain. Now they're coming over here and making their own bundles!"

The album includes "To Be Or Not To Be, 1964" recorded live. You get this as well as the original "To Be Or Not To Be Babe" single. Neither the single nor the album made bundles for Hendra and Ullett. Hendra worked at both the National Lampoon and Spy magazine, wrote a history of edgy comedy ("Going Too Far') and ghosted George Carlin's autobiography.

Nick found success working at the J. Walter Thompson ad agency, but returned to acting in the 80's. In 1986 he married Jenny O'Hara. At the time of Hendra & Ullett's recording career, Jenny was a young actress hoping for a hit in Allan Sherman's Broadway musical "The Fig Leaves are Falling." She later co-starred on "My Sister Sam" with Pam Dawber. O'Hara and Ullett have appeared together on the soap opera "As The World Turns," and last year on stage in Los Angeles, in the play "Bakersfield Mist."

To Be Or Not To Be, Babe

To Be Or Not To Be, 1964

No capcha codes or dumbass ads for video games and bogus dating services, or demands that you pay premium to join a sleazy Eurotrash "cloud" run by some fat Kim Dotcom wannabe criminal who wants to rip off artists for their own profit.