EYDIE GORME : SOFTLY AS SHE LEAVES US

So much of the music world is gormless these days. YOU fill in the pun punch line.

The big surprise of August 10, 2013 was that anyone actually cared and remembered Eydie Gorme. Must've been a slow news day. Miley must've been tongue in cheek.

From my previous post on Patti Page, it might be supposed that Eydie Gorme (August 16, 1928-August 10, 2013) was a great favorite, and that I've got all her vinyl. Well, no. I'm fond of two singles. "Blame it on the Bossa Nova" remains a cute novelty, but "Yes My Darling Daughter" with the weird siren ending, is my favorite. Both 45's are a bit played out, but aren't we all.

Though I have no big cache of Gorme albums I respect the middle of the road. It'll save your ass when the lights suddenly change.

For most of her fans, listening to Eydie Gorme, and her hubby, was just a time to relax and not have to go anywhere in any direction. Just look straight ahead and listen.

Eydie, who began her recording career with big bands in 1951, had retired in 2009. No cause of death was announced, so blame it just on bein' olda. Her Jewish parents were from Italy and from Turkey...and just to make things more exotic, she was fluent in Spanish...which made her a big favorite in Latin countries. Most obits headlined her for her "Bossa Nova" hit from 1963, which left 50 more years unaccounted for. What did she do in all that time? Nothing much...she and husband Steve Lawrence toured, put out mild albums (there was a very cute one, "It's Us Again" custom-done as a promo for a shampoo company...my dollar bin intro to them when I was a kid), and gave ordinary middle-aged people like themselves something to listen to.

This obviously didn't include ME in the 60's, but I could appreciate a good tune well sung, and "It's Us Again" had a few of those. Not enough for me to choose them over The Beatles when I had the money to buy a new album! Once in a while I'd see her, him, or both on TV, and think, "Well, they're singing a nice version of..." some Broadway show tune. Nice, not definitive; Steve and Eydie never laid down a great cover on any American standard...nothing to rival an Ella or Sinatra...but they were comfy for their suburban audiences at venues such as Westbury Music Fair, or for the tourists coming to Vegas.

It was always easy to dismiss both Steve and Eydie because they sang so many annoying "get happy" songs that were corny at the time and are moldy now…crap like "Wouldn't it Be Loverly," "Without You I'm Nothing," "Ain't Love," "Would You Like to Take a Walk," and the ultra-irritating "Wherever We Go (Together)." They didn't present themselves as swingin' cool cats, which gave Louis Prima and Keely Smith more creds.

Eydie's solo albums were jarringly full of lame show tunes including "Gonna Wash That Man Right Out of my Hair" or God-awful oldies like "Button Up Your Overcoat." It wasn't until the late 60's that she (and Steve) settled down and began to cover the newer songwriters. Certainly, guys like Jimmy Webb and even McKuen had MOR-type pieces for them that had a little more taste than "Toot Toot Tootsie." For a while in the 60's Billboard had a chart for "Easy Listening," the "elevator music" not yet banished from office buildings. Gorme scored a Top 10 hit there in 1967 with "If He Walked Into My Life" and "Tonight I'll Say a Prayer" in 1969. But in the 70's and 80's, the music-buying public was younger, and that was that...a whole bunch of middle-aged singers were adrift from their record labels and simply working on stage.

Steve and Eydie didn't mind. Their audiences supported them. They, like Dean and Frank, knew they were too old to try for hit singles, and gave up trying. Give 'em credit for being themselves. Back in 1962-1963 when Steve scored a legit Top 10 with "Go Away Little Girl" and Eydie followed with "Bossa Nova," middle-aged listeners were still buying 45's as much as teenagers. Back then Acker Bilk, Louis Armstrong and Percy Faith could be in the Top 10 shoving Elvis around. But by the end of the 60's the demographics had changed. Eydie's song was written by Mann and Weil, and Steve's by Goffin and King...and both these writing couples knew to focus on writing for teens, not an older married couple.

Eydie (and Steve) had deceptively strong talent, both in singing and in acting. As a duo, they arguably (go ahead, see if I care) created the template for Sonny and Cher, and other husband and wife duos...coming out with a smile but giving little zinging wisecracks to each other in between songs. It broke up the monotony of going from "Moon River" to "Fly Me to the Moon." Both were pretty funny doing sketches on the old "Carol Burnett Show." Both got little credit for having very strong pipes. Gorme, it should be noted, was Streisand before Streisand was.

This girl from the Bronx could belt...and for many listeners, loud was synonymous with passionate. Gorme's audience probably was mostly people accustomed to shouting conversation above the din of a subway car, and sleeping through the sound of police sirens, so voices like hers and Barbra's were considered normal volume. Put on a Julie London album? Can't hear that whispering shiksa! It's possible you hadda have a "New Yawk" state of mind to have a fondness for Eydie and Steve...and fortunately for them, they thrived via New York venues, New York-based TV (Steve and Eydie met when they were regulars on Steve Allen's "Tonight Show") and Broadway. In the UK, average-looking Gracie Fields was "Our Gracie." For average middle-income middle-aged types, Steve and Eydie were "our neighbors," considered friends. Family.

You'll hear a prime example of Gorme the Belter on a live television version of "As Long as He Needs Me," the showstopper from the Broadway musical "Oliver."

For balance, your other download is "Softly as I Leave You," which shows more of her talent. Gorme almost never had a serious music critic write about a new album. One reason was yes, the album was likely to be nothing but covers, and she was an ordinary looking married woman who sang in two predictable styles: perky or overly dramatic (with a lotta vibrato). Given the right song and arranger, she could compete with most any of her contemporaries. That's the case with "Softly as I Leave You," from her "Don't Go To Strangers" album. She sings here with sensitivity as well as her trademark panache.

GORME As Long As He Needs Me (live television)

GORME Softly as I Leave You (from her "Don't Go to Strangers" album)

Gaudy Covers: MANFRED MANN does Harriet Schock's "Hollywood Town"

On a cold night, when the temperature and your bank account are a bit too low, you are very thankful for...COVERS.

Does it matter the garish color in the dark? No.

Most every songwriter can point to a pretty bad or strange version of their song...that brought in the big bucks and some publicity to the author. Sometimes a version that seems outrageous turns out to be definitive (think of the Jimi Hendrix take on Dylan's "All Along the Watchtower.")

The Manfred Mann version of "Hollywood Town" is...different, that's for sure. Maybe it's "Hollywood Town" as intended for the "Day of the Locusts" soundtrack. How about that pimply synth! The sudden moany country guitar riff at one break point and then the heavy metal one at another? Wait for the clip clop beat that suggests Jed Clampett's clan have come to town on a donkey cart and found Beverly Hills. The lyrics disappear during a tense synth break that suggests the spotlight is about to reveal Peter Gabriel dressed as the misplaced lamb who lost his way from Broadway to Tinsel Town.

Let's just say I'm used to the classy, elegant original from Harriet Schock's album of the same name. But I'll bet the royalty check from the publisher was much bigger for the Mann usage than on her own disc.

"Hollywood Town" should've been the breakout album for her. For one thing, it was the only one of her three albums to have a stylishly done cover with a truly flattering and also compelling picture of her. Critics are still shaking their heads over how 20th Century Records rose and fell so quickly, taking along their two most promising artists, Schock and awesome Patti Dahlstrom.

Aside from being on a weak label, at the time there was way too much competition in the singer-songwriter field. For Harriet, she was up against expert and established stage acts such as Helen Reddy and Joni Mitchell. Reddy covered Harriet's "No Way to Treat a Lady" and Joni was first choice among college co-eds when it came to studying lyric sheets. Too bad, because any fan of poetry or literate lyrics had a lot to like with Ms. Schock. Take a look at the opening of "Hollywood Town" with those polished internal rhymes and near rhymes (like the flowing use of hide and high, go and those):

Down, down in Hollywood town,
The lost and found come to find their way,
Walking outside, feelings they hide,
Putting their pride through well known paces,
Stepping on stars and shining on cars,
Passing by, their heads are high,
But their hearts are low down, dragging as they go,
Reaching out to those other faces....

There's a lot going on in there, double meanings, things you might pick up months or years later. A lot more subtle than Ray Davies, was Ms. Schock, especially in referencing the stars on the sidewalk of the Hollywood Hall of Fame. Any songwriter interested in the art of the lyric would do well to get a copy of her book "Becoming Remarkable." It not only references her own hits, but analyzes the work of others, various techniques for creating a good song, and what has and hasn't worked for the many pupils she's had as a teacher and coach.

To give you an idea of just how enduring Schock's songs are, let's add that "Hollywood Town" turned up on Mann's "Angel Station" album some seven years after it was first recorded by her. A song has to be considered pretty classic or special to be covered after years have passed. The only other cover on that album was "You Angel You" by Bob Dylan. Pretty good company for Harriet Schock.

Harriet Schock HOLLYWOOD TOWN

Manfred Mann HOLLYWOOD TOWN

Thelma Houston sings Patti Dahlstrom

One of the first artists to recognize the genius of Patti Dahlstrom as a songwriter was Thelma Houston.

Thelma knew that as good as a singer might be (and Thelma was always good), the song has to be good, too. Her first album, 1969's "Sunshower," was a Jimmy Webb production. A few years later, Dahlstrom's first album came out...and two tracks on it from the Texas beauty...came to Houston.

Below, Thelma's takes on "I'm Letting Go" and "And I Never Did."

Thelma does a good job on both of them, although to my twisted lobes Patti's much more "hawt," with that strange Texas accent and the earthy burr in her voice. (Thelma was born in Mississippi and raised in California).

It wasn't until 1977 that Houston became a star via "Don't Leave Me This Way", which won a Grammy. By that time, sadly, Ms. Dahlstrom and the ill-fated 20th Century Records label were not a hot topic in the music industry. Patti was burned out as a performer, but still wrote songs that got covered now and then. She also worked as a teacher. For more on her, check other entries on the blog, or buy her "Best Of" CD and read the liner notes. She currently lives in England.

Thelma? Motown went into a sort of panic when she couldn't follow her smash with another Top Ten hit, but she kept trying. She released four albums in the late 70's plus two more featuring Jerry Butler. Without a major single, she started the 80's at RCA for a two-record deal, then moved to MCA for two more, "Thelma Houston" in 1983 and "Qualifying Heat" in 1984. Six years later, 1990, she got a one-album deal from Reprise. And the industry collapsing as it did, it's no surprise that there was an even longer wait for the next one: "A Woman's Touch" in 2007.

When you add it up, though, Thelma's released two dozen albums, been in the business 44 years, and "is a legendary Pop / Motown / Disco and R&B music icon." She says so herself on her dotcom, which also mentions that her latest single is "Last Dance." And even if it's on iTunes for pennies in royalties, you can bet it's not the last dance for her.

Patti and Thelma from the original vinyl...download or listen on line. No quirky links taking you to dodgy sites, no Kim Dotcom asking you to pay for a premium account, no Paypal donation requests.

THELMA I'm Letting Go

PATTI I'm Letting Go

THELMA And I Never Did

PATTI And I Never Did

IPODMEISTER : CD's Worthless. MERV GRIFFIN: SHIT! NO HITS

Merv Griffin pressed a private, rude little ditty about the doldrums of the music biz. It was full of inside references (to music publishers mostly) and even included a "bad" word. Briefly quoting….

"They're not writing the songs as good this year. Ain't got a hit. Whether Robbins or Chappell or Larry Spier. Ain't got a hit…and the Big Brains of A&R just wait and sit, so mad they could spit…They're under an awful spell. The Brill Building's starting to smell. It's not legit. Nothing but shit. Ain't got a hit."

What would Merv make of the situation today? Shit-singers like Lady Gaga and Katy Perry are putting out forgettable singles...and bitching because they "leaked" on the Internet and (they're shocked, SHOCKED) the rich bitches aren't getting every dime coming to them.

When was the last time you sang along to a new single on the radio? Was it when CeeLo sang FUCK YOU? Maybe you were walking in the rain and chimed in with Rihanna and sang "ella...ella...ella." Or maybe the last song you think you can sing along to actually is one by Ella Fitzgerald?? That would be Merv, maybe. (We give you a pass...you can say The Beatles.) OK, we all know the chorus to an Amy Winehouse song. Don't we? NO NO NO!

The current paradigm, which is part of both the songwriter and the listener's current threnody, or jeremiad, is, to put it plainly...SHIT.

Merv thought it was bad in the days of 45's? In the mp3 era, the songs aren't worth hearing (Jake Bugg is supposed to be the next Dylan) and for most tasteless morons out there...the songs that they DO listen to...they don't wanna pay for!

"AIN'T GOT A HIT" is the truth. First, because we've heard the best in every genre, and the latest rock, disco, rap or pop song is the same-old-song. Second, piracy. Who buys when they can, uh, SHARE? And third, and also important, is that music is no longer that important in our lives. We get so much free entertainment, we don't need to sit on the floor staring at a 45 rpm on the turntable, and don't even have the time or interest in following along with the lyrics while listening to a 33 1/3 with headphones on. Worse...music has NO VALUE ANYMORE.

"NO VALUE ANYMORE" meaning, an mp3 file is a blip. It's nothing. And people are happy about it. They'd rather store a zillion songs on a brick-sized external hard drive than have a proud set of shelves full of rare vinyl and great CD's. Eh. Meh. Foo. Ugh. Who wants that JUNK taking up space?? Proof that it's junk...most of it goes cheap at a thrift shop. Most of it goes untouched by anyone except some senile "collector" who goes to boot sales because his dick's no longer working.

Some years ago, a thriving website was run by IPODMEISTER. What a deal...CD's were valuable! If you got a whole lot of 'em as gifts, had some duplicates, got tired of some...you could put them in a PRE-PAID box, and IPODMEISTER would trade you for, yes, an IPOD. Or an external drive. The irony of this, is that they were offering you the new technology that would kill their own business and help trivialize the world of music.

Some thought IPODMEISTER was some Internet rip-off. No. It was the real deal. Nice people. Fast service. You had extra CDs and didn't feel like being an eBay seller, use IPODMEISTER. Maybe you were at a church fund-raiser where they had some boxes of donated CDs they were selling so cheap you could do very well buying 'em all and doing an IPODMEISTER trade-in. That was then. NOT NOW!

Check the illustration for this entry.It's pretty insane the number of CDs you must trade in NOW to get an iPod or iPad. The amount you must send has not only doubled, you also have to send REALLY GOOD stuff because everybody already has Phil Collins, Billy Joel, and old Blink and N Sync. IPODMEISTER used to give good trade value on any CD but NOT NOW. Not when Amazon and eBay sellers can't move most of 'em for a dollar.

You'll need to box up 300 very good (Beatles, Sony Classical, the latest Bumford and Sons) CDs to get an iPod Nano. Actually, you better box up 400, because the folks at IPODMEISTER may disallow a lot of what you give them. THey check the bar codes on CDs against Amazon/Ebay prices and spot the moment the new Dylan is the old Dylan and everybody who was gonna buy it at Starbucks did so.

IPODMEISTER has expanded their gift ideas. You can help trivialize and destroy the book industry with Bozo Bezos of Amazon's beloved Kindle...or maybe a Nook from the failing Barnes & Noble chain who still try and sell real books to real people. For an iPad, all you have to do is collect over a THOUSAND CDs (or DVDs…another endangered species)

At this point you're thinking, "why don't I just throw the fucking CD's out…after digitizing them on my computer." IPODMEISTER has an alternative; their sister company CDSWEEP. CDSWEEP will send you a free Fedex mailing label so you can slap it on a box and send them your unwanted music. They in turn, sell it (to third-world countries that still have people who have boom boxes and CD players) and you'll get a tax donation. CDSWEEP is a charity involving autism.

The bottom line is that the music business will remain shit, and the proof is the Billboard Top 10 for the past few years...full of forgotten junk that you could barely sing along to if you had a karaoke machine and the lyrics a foot high on a screen. These songs "ain't hits" and only sell to stupid rappers, rednecks or teenage twits.

It seems quaint that Merv Griffin sang about a lack of interesting music in the early 50's. That changed as people discovered new types of music...R&B, doo-wop, rock and roll, ROCK, progressive rock...and there was still a market for people to buy classical, country and movie soundtracks, too. Jeez, remember buying a novelty 45 and slapping it on the turntable and having a laugh? Well worth the dollar, that tune. Now? When was the last time you heard a funny song? Not funny! You don't get a lot of laughs trawling Spotify. And forget grimacing Kanye. He is SHIT.

Sing it Merv…

Merv Griffin says SHIT! because the radio Ain't Got a Hit

Birthday for T-T-T-T-T TUESDAY WELD!

"She went by the name of Thalia Menninger on the Dobie Gillis show. Remember?"

Walter Egan sure does. He sang those lines back in the 70's. Remember?

He offered up a few extra clues for you all:

"Lord Love a Duck and the Cincinnati Kid.

These were a few of the movies she did."

She was also in 70's films 'Play it As it Lays," "Looking for Mr. Goodbar" and "Who'll Stop the Rain." In the 80's, how about "Author! Author!" "Thief," "Once Upon A Time in America," "Winter of Our Discontent" and "Heartbreak Hotel?" She made only two films in the 1990's, "Falling Down" and "Feeling Minnesota," and her last screen roles were in 2001.

But Tuesday Weld…is legend. Like an American Brigitte Bardot, she had a certain look that made her a favorite for fan magazines. People didn't have to go see her films to get a real kick out of her. Seeing a photo was enough! If you did tune in and see her on some TV show, you instantly got it: she exuded an attitude, a spirit…a new breed of "wild child." She had a natural sex appeal...a sweetly omnivorous desire to experience joy. On an episode of "77 Sunset Strip" called "Condor's Child," you see her as both the baby-faced innocent and the femme fatale. She played uninhibited types, as Bardot did, and sometimes the spirit, and her flesh, was good enough to save a bad script.

Here, we celebrate her upcoming birthday (August 27, 1943).

Her first name was Susan, which one of her cousins pronounced Tu-Tu. It eventually, and legally, became Tuesday…and she rocked. Literally. She was in "Rock Rock Rock" in 1956 although her singing voice was dubbed. Trivia fans will note that she played a singer on an episode of "Bus Stop" in 1961, and was messin' with Fabian in the movie "High Time" (1960) and in a typical wild-child role on "The Dick Powell Show" called 'Run Till It's Dark" in 1962. She was also involved with Elvis Presley, who co-starred with her in the 1961 film "Wild in the Country."

Tuesday's lovers were not confined to greasy kid singers. She had a May-December fling with crusty old actor John Ireland, and her last two husbands were Dudley Moore and the violinist Pinchas Zuckerman. So many fans "dream of her still," and would love a chance to just meet the quirky, erotic, tragic, contradictory, unusual, erratic and always fascinating Ms. Weld. Probably the best "fanboy" song of all time, Walter Egan's "Tuesday Weld" has a great closing line. If I ever had the chance to interview the guy, I would not ask him to elaborate on it! It's too perfect the way it stands.

Walter Egan's tribute to….to…..to….t.t.t.t…. TUESDAY WELD

BERNIE'S WHORES…ELTON JOHN DIVING BOARD OR BORED

Whores like money. But they also like jewelry...and there IS the "BERNIE TAUPIN COLLECTION." But...first, the news that there's going to be a new addition to the Elton John Collection. No, not another disgusting dollop for Pumpkin Head & David to coo over...

We're supposed to get through the last hot, humid, melting, bitching dog days of August by looking forward to the Fall music releases...especially the new one from Elton! Think it'll be...as much of a work of genius as the last one from McCartney?

Sad, huh. What do we get out of the latest from guys like these? It's sort of like going to a class reunion, isn't it? You're just relieved the person you remember fondest, and who is still alive, is not going to show up in a wheelchair, or with a face bloated or wrinkled, or unrecognizable in some other way. You do recognize, on each forgettable album, some trace of the person you don't want to forget.

Being honest about it, very few of our heroes…Jagger, Neil Young, Cohen…have put out a new release that hasn't had to come with some kind of apology. "Not bad…considering his age…his voice…the chord changes are so familiar….that he hasn't anything to say…" Like the guy with the toupee at the reunion, the artist doesn't acknowledge his failing. He isn't the man in Randy Newman's brilliant song "I'm Dead But I Don't Know It." And Randy can still hit the target now and then….as can Costello, Dylan etc. Not for a whole album maybe, but a lot more songs than McCartney or Elton John.

"When will I end this bitter game? When will I end this cruel charade? Everything I write all sounds the same. Each record that I'm making is like a record that I've made — Just not as good."

Elton's hyping this one. After years of terrible dirges, and a minor duet album with weird Leon Russell, he says "The Diving Board" is his big risk. He's got to have a HIT, and go back to his roots. He's gotta find some kind of Tumbleweed connection, revive Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy, and put out YOUR SONG again. One you can relate to, not as nostalgia. Well, I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind, but…the reality check is that it's probably not going to happen. Let's say that Elton has not been rocking for a long time, and his interminable ballads all sound the same as what he did in the 70's, but "not as good."

Mostly, we've been suffering through the sight of a pasty-faced heavy-set gay guy on stage (self-emphasis on gay, as if that's his actual profession). Off stage he's babbling about his baby and his husband, and even his feud with Madonna was boring. So is anyone really looking to Elton John for anything? Maybe some silly tune for a Disney cartoon or a bad Broadway show for the kiddies? There are plenty of hacks who can do that. Randy Newman throws familiar idiot tunes onto movie soundtracks all the time, but at least he can still write a real song with good lyrics once in a while.

Which, at last, brings us to Bernie Taupin. We're told that a big difference here, is that the new album re-unites Elton with the same guy who gave him those 60's hits. But hasn't been able to provide him with hit lyrics in a long, long time. As if Taupin in 1970 was so profound: "If I was a sculptor, but then again, no." Think he's got anything brilliant to say in 2013?

Years ago, I was hanging out in Daryl Hall's apartment, and John Oates was there as well, and we talked about disposable music. And who would know better than those two? The subject got around to Elton John, and one of them said that one reason Elton's music was so disposable, and getting more so with every release, was that it was just some facile melodies. Well, yes, Elton went through a period of knocking out albums that all sounded pleasantly alike, and maybe had, at best, a catchy chorus phrase like "I'm Still Standing." The trouble? "He's not singing anything that matters to him. We don't know what he's thinking."

Taupin's rarely tried to write FOR Elton John. The last time he did, and was at all successful artistically, was "Made in England." Bernie wrote the autobiographical lyrics his friend couldn't put on paper. Including: "I had a quit-me father had a love-me mother...I had Little Richard and that black piano,…that sweet georgia peach and the Boy from Tupelo...well here's my middle finger. I had forty years of pain and nothing to cling to…you can still say homo and everybody laughs…"

Through most of his output for Elton in the 80's and beyond, Bernie's lyrics have been adequate on most tracks, catchy now and then. 1983: "I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues" a good one on "Too Low for Zero." "Sad Songs Say So Much" sort of good on 1984's "Breaking Hearts," "Wrap Her Up," a serviceable track on 1985's "Ice on Fire." Give him credit for being prolific, having enough stuff to hand Elton to turn into sound-alike ear candy. Let's also not forget that even in Elton's golden late 60's and early 70's, there was a lot of foolishness among the gems. "Rocket Man" is kind of peculiar if you really read the lyrics. How about "Take Me To the Pilot," which sounds fantastic and makes no sense at all? What about "Jamaica Jerk-Off?" A funnier example is "Prestige a Gammon," deliberate nonsense that seems like a foreign language, just to prove that nobody's paying much attention. And really, it's been a long, long time since "Tumbleweed Connection" and "Madman Across the Water." There wasn't anything too memorable on 2004's "Peachtree Road," or 2006's "Captain and the Kid," both advertised as comeback albums. It was after the latter, that Taupin took a long hiatus from his pumpkinheaded friend and contributed words for an album by somebody called Deirdre Hughes.

As we move toward the big release date for this latest John-Taupin comeback, Bernie has so far remained his elusive self. It's been Elton flamboyantly pointing out the obviousness of his metaphor… being on The Diving Board, ready to make a splash, to sink or swim. As if anyone cares. If the album's not too good, so what. His last few weren't much. He has enough fans who will buy the next one anyway.

Taupin? As a commercial artist on his own, he experimented. He tried. He stopped.

In 1971 Bernie issued a spoken word album, with music in the background, called "Taupin." Fine. Now we know what the poet sounds like, but few care to hear poetry recited. Nine years later, he let the world know that he could sing adequately. "He Who Rides the Tiger" was issued in 1980 with music by Dennis Tufano on all 9 tracks. Taupin would not record again until 1987, with "Tribe," music by Martin Page, cameos by Elton John and Martha Davis, each singing on a track. And that was that. At least, under his own name. If you're a devoted fan, you know that he also put out albums in 1996 and 1998 fronting "The Farm Dogs," to explore his fascination with acoustic western roots music.

Out of some odd sense of nostalgia, here's 1980 Bernie singing to a meandering melody, "The Whores of Paris."

Whores are always a fine subject for a song, and Bernie previously wrote the sentimental "Sweet Painted Lady" with its profound couplet, "Getting paid/for being laid." Years later, scented by a Paris locale, Bernie gives us a little more darkness, a few flashes of decent poetry…the whole thing coming across like Woody Allen's "Midnight in Paris" actually…in which a wide-eyed wanna-be comes in contact with images sensual and intellectual and the inspiration sharpens his own senses...somewhat.

From a view of a particular whore (ugh, had to call her "Gigi" huh) Bernie describes various other hookers; his quill quivering wildly in all directions, ink sometimes black and sometimes a little too purple. Sample lines:

With fat commuters full of cheap champagne
Belching tourists feel no pain
When Gigi takes their wallets
Spends their bodies, keeps the change

For sentiment don't touch the Whores of Paris
Just the years and lines of age
That buries them in unmarked graves
Old and spent and never saved….

They use their caution like a whip
We sensed it as they filed their nails, crimson
As the paint upon their lips
Tough enough to rust in jail
Farmers' daughters plucked like corn
From the Camargue to Marseilles
Ideals of the ideal life
Expectant mothers discarded wives
With re-sewn wrists and tear stained eyes
They soon find the shoe fits easy
The francs flow in and the tricks say "please me"
Another lovely thigh says "squeeze me"
Mon cherie, my bed's so busy
Take a Pernod, life's so sleazy

It's not coffee in the air
Just the smell of foreign fingers greasing palms
On the Seine it's Sunday morning
To her it's always evening
Shifting gear to put some German in her arms
Washed in sterile porcelain
She fakes it for the good of his morale
He's tired and worn but she moves on
To rope another stud from her corral
Christmas in the poor house
Unbeknownst to others, Madelaina takes her life
She tipped the scales at forty five
Never saw a decent day
Never made it to the upper echelons of night

Now 63, Taupin mostly stays out of the spotlight, as most lyricists do, and for that the world is thankful. Although the sight of Bernie hauling around some tart half his age, or even looking like a Mafia-pug and having some high priced call girl on a leash would be preferable to the antics of the Elton-and-David show. (The woman in the picture with Bernie, is Peggy Moffitt, in case you care. She's not for sale, though she might look rather like a sweet painted lady.) What Bernie does with his time, mostly, is to study the history of his beloved American West (which we all love more than Kanye West), listen to Marty Robbins albums, and hang out on his California ranch with his horses. In 2010 he pulled a Dylan and started hosting a radio show devoted to "American Roots" music…Willie Dixon, Louvin Brothers…the stuff that Elton fans would loathe. Maybe you can find it on Satellite Radio and learn for yourself how the guy pronounces his last name.

It's also worth mentioning that while Elton's had hits with other lyricists, Bernie's got a few credits without Elton, include an insane asylum concept album with Alice Cooper, "A Love That Will Never Grow Old" (used in "Brokeback Mountain"), "Mendocino County Line" (a co-write with Willie Nelson), "These Dreams," recorded by Heart, and "We Built this City" recorded by…well, let's stop right there. Let's briefly note that while whores prefer money, an added little gift, should you hire one, MIGHT be Jewelry from Bernie Taupin. Not too expensive. Looking a little better than shrubbery. Maybe even up to the standards of Joan Rivers. The samples you see in the photo above...are for sale on Bernie's official website. Copies of his three albums? Nope.

TAUPIN Whores of Paris

"SIXTEEN TONS" parody by Sammy Shore worth $45 BUCKS?

Some fool paid $45 for a not too hilarious parody of Tennessee Ernie Ford's "Sixteen Tons." What's funny is there were two other bidders coming in with offers over $40 for it.

What's really funny, funnier than Shore's song, is that at the same time these stooges were bidding, the item was (and probably still is) available for a FOURTH of the price, in the same condition! But some clowns only know one way to get a record: EBAY. That way, they can over-pay. And hey hey, it makes a seller's day.

It's rare when there's a big pay day on any 45 single. Almost all the "good stuff" has been re-issued on CD, and is all over iTunes (not to mention YouTube and blogs). It's even rarer when that pay day involves a comedy or novelty single, because denizens of that genre are known to be cheap fucks. And why pay a lot for a curiosity "novelty" item they might only play two thousand times alone in the basement? Spending a fortune on something stupid gives them no bragging rights, and they don't have that audiophile excuse that they're spending the money because the vinyl quality on that Dickie Goodman break-in is so superior to what's on Spotify.

At best, you'll spot the "Demento" head hunched over the cardboard box of bilious boot-sale banalities, cursing to himself over anything stickered with more than a "1" on it. Obese and sweaty with a backpack Charles Laughton would've used to impersonate Quasimodo, the misshapen fool will pass by anything high-priced. So will the other typical "Demento" stereotype, the over-medicated, smirking jackass who is convinced he's a WILD AND CRAZY GUY for buying crap that none of his friends want to hear. PS, he has no friends. Just some on-line orangutans who might swap mp3s and want-lists and tolerate his shitty jokes so he'll tolerate theirs. They've never outgrown a cackling fondness for any reference to fish heads or farts.

$45 for a VG (not mint) copy of vinyl? The same record, in the same designated VG condition, is sitting on one of the many well known record collector sites for a fraction of the eBay price, and no BIDDING is required:

This is just another ordinary parody single, despite two or three maniacs bidding wildly for it. According to Sammy Shore, "Sixteen Tons" was still on the charts when somebody decided he might be the best choice to cut a comedy version. Shore was not a very well-known stand-up at the time, but this was the era where unknowns could, with luck and Payola, become overnight sensations. He claims that the disc sold over 100,000 copies. If that were true, it would have charted, and the single would be on eBay most every week. A little more common, but also not exactly hits, are the parody versions from Mickey Katz and Homer & Jethro. Shore later developed his "Brother Sammy" character and put out a full-length album for Liberty in the 60's (which didn't sell 100,000 copies either). He continued to work the clubs, mostly ones that also had a fondness for a Shecky or Dreesen. Today he's unfortunately best known as either the ex-husband of "Comedy Store" founder Mitzi Shore, or the father of the very annoying Pauly Shore. With those options, being known for a minor parody of "Sixteen Tons" isn't so bad.

Some fans out there still love Sammy. And no, that's not a Photoshop job, that's art:

SAMMY SHORE drops jokes like they were SEVENTEEN TONS Instant download or listen on line.

VENTURES "WILD THING" (Don Wilson mimcry of PETER LORRE)

Peter Lorre's wonderful voice. Sinister. Even blood curdling, huh? It's possible that Cagney, Bogart, Karloff, Lugosi, Nicholson or Schwarzenegger are done more often, but the little spook has a distinction over all of them. Peter Lorre was the first movie star to be parodied on a hit record.

Celebrity impressions go back to the very early days of recorded sound. Scotland's Cissie Loftus put out a bunch of them for Berliner in 1898! People who happened to see a great star on stage, could buy a Cissie single: "Imitation of Phylis Ranken," "Imitation of Yvette Guilbert," "Imitation of Eugene Stratton" etc. etc. But parroting British Music Hall stars or actresses didn't produce Top Ten hits for Loftus. There wasn't a lot of radio play either in those days.

"My Old Flame," the Spike Jones single featuring Paul Frees as Peter Lorre, was a certifiable (and insane) hit. In fact it was so popular, Peter Lorre himself made an appearance on Spike's radio show, and did a dueling-Lorre with Frees on "My Old Flame" to the delight of the live audience.

You might have to fast-forward a generation to Bobby "Boris" Pickett, to name another hit novelty single based on a celebrity impression. And after that? A "Senator Bobby" Kennedy version of "Wild Thing" stunned radio listeners for a while, along with another version of the song using the the deep, oozy-voice of Senator Everett Dirksen of Illinois.

Not successful, but pretty darn amusing, is the download below, a third celebrity version of "Wild Thing" via The Ventures. The rest of the album is instrumentals. Founding member Don Wilson is the uncredited voice of Peter Lorre here. Don's not Paul Frees (Paul's Petered version of "Hey Jude" is elsewhere on the blog for you to sample) but he's very good. Don may not have the nuances (Lorre would often throw a "huh" or a little giggle at the end of a sentence to help steal a scene) but his accent is in the right Austria-Hungarian region and he doesn't overdo the nasality or the comical temper tantrum in going from suave evil to sputtery madman. It's wild, thing.

WiLD THING The Peter Lorre Version Instant download or listen on line. No capcha codes. No Paypal donation "tip cup," no links to dangerous websites. Nothing to do with Kim Dotcom or sociopaths like him.

I LOST ON JEOPARDY - too bad, THOMAS HURLEY III

When it comes to appalling self-important little preppie snots, nobody can rival Thomas Hurley III. Except his obnoxious inbred father, Thomas Hurley II.

The Hurley Turds get the worm for what they did last week. They clogged up the already trivia-obsessed print media and celeb-sucking TV news broadcasts with their whining over being "cheated" on the quiz show "Jeopardy." I guess the rich scumbags hired a publicist to squash their sour grapes for them and whine all over the place about such an injustice to an entitled family of such breeding.

In other words, rich self-absorbed shits like the Hurley Turds think that rules aren't meant for them. Everyone knows that on "Jeopardy" you must pronounce your answer exactly or, in the final round, spell it properly. Turd the Third didn't spell properly and his answer was not accepted. Very routine. The show is one of the few that is in any way intellectual, intelligent, or encourages polite sportsmanship; it was expected that Turd the Third would accept his consolation prize like everyone else, accept that he played a game and didn't win, and also understand that even if he was credited with the right answer, he would've finished SECOND.

Instead, affluent Daddy and brat got their revenge by bad-mouthing "Jeopardy" with libelous charges of having been "cheated." As if the other contestants weren't treated the same, and the winner wasn't also a well-fed white boy. But reporters dutifully interviewed Daddy and Brat to get every huffy, crybaby, self-important detail of this important story from a family in Newtown, Connecticut.

Yeah. NEWTOWN, CONNECTICUT. Remember that place, and the school shooting there? Isn't it outrageous that Thomas Hurley III's girly-bitch about losing on "Jeopardy" got almost as much attention last week as the school shooting last Christmas? A little pisher can't spell...and we all hear about it, just as we heard about the kids shot down in cold blood? Shot down, I add, because a stupid millionaire PARENT was too busy spoiling her brat into a pampered little monster to supervise the guns in the house.

So we got the Hurley Turds shooting their mouths off. "I was cheated" said the son. The father huffed, "The thing that bothered me most was the way Alex Trebek and the producers treated my son. They were kind of smug."

SMUG? You will hear the evidence in the download below. You be the judge of who has the attitude, Alex Trebek or Thomas Hurley II. You'll hear about 30 seconds of the actual soundtrack....the first and second contestants giving their wrong answers. (The third contestant, who got it right, has been omitted.)

Alex Trebek has always been a class act. He's always soft-spoken and sympathetic even to the most bone-headed contestant. He has great humility and is probably the most respected quiz show host on television. You can hear his disappointment in not being able to credit little Thomas Hurley III because of the error, and explain the "unfortunate" problem with the kid's answer. ("Jeopardy" for those out of the country, sometimes has a special "week" where instead of normal adult contestants, they promote education and sportsmanship by inviting students to compete).

What if the kid wrote "Emancipation Document?" What if the answer was "Abraham Lincoln" and he wrote "Linkin?" Thomas Hurley II whined that his son should've been given credit because "Everyone knew what he meant." Yeah, we know what he meant, and he could've written "A Man So Patient Proclamation" too, but EXACT spelling is the only way you EVER win on "Jeopardy."

Instead, by way of reminder, Hurley Turd losers, here's "I LOST ON JEOPARDY," with the amusing spoken part from the great Don Pardo. Don was the original announcer on the show (which no longer has someone recite all the dubious consolation prizes). Now about 95, he just finished another historic year as the announcer for 'Saturday Night Live.'

Hurley III, be grateful you have the money for a good education, a good home, a good school…and be grateful to be alive, because there are some kids in affluent Newtown younger than you who will never grow up. Because they are dead. And Hurley II, remember a certain affluent Connecticut doctor who lost his wife, and his daughters to fire and rape. He was nearly killed too, by a pair of home invasion thugs. So put all the "I Was Cheated on Jeopardy" clippings and video in a big paper bag and toss it in the trash and try to get some perspective. Be grateful for what YOU have, and maybe spend your time and money on something other than teaching your son how to be self-centered, argumentative and libelous, an attitude-filled pussy who thinks he's so special he should win when the rules say he LOSES.

Here's Thomas Hurley III, Alex Trebek, Don Pardo, and WEIRD AL…all combining for….

I LOST ON JEOPARDY Thomas Hurley III is a LOSER

Instant download or listen on line. No capcha codes, wait time, payment going to a Nazi like Kim Dotcom…and no whines about paying for a premium account and no "tip jar" for Paypal donations.

RAY ELLINGTON DIDN'T GET ON A U.S. STAMP, DID HE?

Sapristi!

RAY ELLINGTON on a stamp?

I was shocked to see a post office display of commemoratives...and...British comic-singer Ellington's face?? I was also shocked that it took me a half hour to get to the counter, but the lines slow because old ladies tend to spend a long, long time staring at the pretty new stamps available, trying to choose which one to put on all their condolence cards.

I doubt many bothered with...no that's not Ray Ellington...it's JOHN H. JOHNSON. Not a singer or a comic.

John H Johnson was the first black entrepeneur successful enough to make the Forbes 400 (wealthiest businessmen) list. From being a drop-out on welfare, he created the self-made "Negro Digest," a variation on "Reader's Digest," which he and friends pushed at local newsstands.

Johnson was soon able to add a black version of Life Magazine, which is wife dubbed "Ebony," and followed it with the small-format "Jet." From the 50's through the 90's, he actively built up his holdings and diversified. As for his magazines, even in the 90's when so many periodicals began disappearing, his were not doing as badly as "Life" or "Look." He had cornered the black market so there was little competition, and blacks were certainly more likely to leaf through a magazine than spend a fortune on a computer and the Internet.

Still, there were changes that Johnson didn't appreciate. For example, by the 80's, not every African-American to make the cover of his mags was 100% black. A few had a white parent. Worse; some kindly doctors and dentists...WHITE...subscribed to Johnson's magazines as a thoughtful courtesy to black patients in the waiting room. And even WORSE...demographics showed that some households that enjoyed "Ebony" and "Jet" every month were interracial. In a 1990 interview with the New York Times, the prosperous publisher sadly acknowledged that 12 percent of his readers were…white: "This is more than I would like to have,. I want to be king of the black hill, not the mixed hill."

Which means that Ray Ellington would not have been a welcome subscriber to John H. Johnson. Ray's black father Harry was a British Music Hall comic and his mother Eva, a Russian Jew. In a sort of Jolsonesque upbringing, Ellington attending Jewish schools and learned his Orthodox religion, but his heart was in show business and he loved jazz. He joined eccentric Harry Roy's band as a drummer, and was also influenced by Louis Jordan. Once Ray was successful, with his own quartet, he covered Jordan's classic "Five Guys Named Moe" and favored other hep-cat eccentric tunes, along with the standards.

Although John H. Johnson might not approve, both blacks and whites can download this sample of Ellington's swingin' 45's, which shows his range of cool, boogie, and giddy-up ding-dong. Slippin' you five:

DRACULA'S THREE DAUGHTERS, THE MADISON, IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, LEFT HAND BOOGIE, GIDDY-UP-A-DING-DONG Five rarities from RAY ELLINGTON Instant download or listen on line. No capcha codes, wait time, or whines about paying for a premium account.

HANS CONRIED - PETER MEETS THE WOLF IN DIXIELAND

The wonderful actor Hans Conried had one of the most unique voices in show business. He also was one of the first performers who realized he had to "invent" himself. He took on the persona of a grand Shakespearean ham, a scholarly sophisticate with a wickedly down to earth cynicism. To listen to him speak, you'd think he was born in England somewhere, or perhaps moved there after being exiled from his royal home in Austria.

Actually, he grew up in Manhattan, having spent his childhood in Baltimore. Like Vincent Price (who grew up in St. Louis) he was pure American even if he seemed to have European manners and sophistication. The family name does come from Vienna…his Jewish father. But perhaps some of the comic haughtiness that Conried brought to his acting work came from his mother, who claimed to trace her ancestry back to the Pilgrims.

Conried found success on radio (and perhaps early lessons on how to carry one's self with grand pretension) via Orson Welles, who ran the Mercury Theatre Company and shocked the world with that "War of the Worlds" broadcast. Conried was soon known as a brilliant voice man, capable of all kinds of accents, and of playing both drama and comedy. Decades later he would apply his talents on made-for-TV cartoons, most notably as Snidely Whiplash and as Uncle Waldo in the Jay Ward "Dudley Do-Right" and "Hoppity Hooper" shorts.

He was enough of a celebrity to be invited onto quiz shows, and that's where, in a kind of despair, he "invented" himself. How could he come out and be funny, urbane, and a deadpan comic realist when he wasn't sure who "Hans Conried" was? So he made Hans Conried into a character, a somewhat pompous intellectual with a comical common touch, not the kindly family man who would be married to the same woman for 40 years and raise 4 children. From the 40's to the 80's, he would get chances to perform in a variety of roles on TV, film and stage.

Some know him as "Uncle Tonoose," the eccentric relative on "The Danny Thomas Show." Film fans of course will point to "The 5000 Fingers of Dr. T," "The Twonky," and his cartoon voicework as Captain Hook in "Peter Pan." Some went to see him on the "straw hat circuit," when he was in "The Sunshine Boys" (opposite such veterans as Phil Leeds in a Georgia production and Jerry Hausner in Florida and Washington). Conried's last memorable stage appearances were in 1979, in "Barefoot in the Park" in Canada, "Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum" in St. Louis with Avery Schreiber, Arte Johnson and John Carradine, and 1981 when he starred in "Never Too Late" in Illinois. His last time on the boards was also in 1981, in a Seattle production of "Barefoot in the Park," which was broadcast by HBO. In 1981 the veteran star filmed his last TV show, an episode of "The Music Shoppe," which was aired posthumously. That year he was also on "Goerge Burns' Early CHristmas Show" special and "through the Magic Pyramid." His last film appearance was very brief, a few minutes in "Oh God Book II" with George Burns in 1980.

The "Hans Conried" character can best be seen on DVD via the 3 disc set of "Fractured Flickers," which may have only lasted one season, but remains a vivid example of his personality. The show also has lots of oddball guests (from Allan Sherman to Rod Serling) interviewed by Conried, who usually casts himself as the low budget hosts who can't, to his chagrin, get more than 3 minutes with his busy celeb guest. Many of the screwed up silent film clips on the show (way before "Mystery Science Theater 3000") are still very funny, including the notorious send-up of Lon Chaney's "Hunchback of Notre Dame," which enraged Chaney Jr.

And below? Mr. Conried grandly soars to the heights of classical music, but plummets back down again because HIS version of "Peter and the Wolf" is being done Dixieland style. As usual, the great character comedian is caught between high art and low humor, between hoping to hear the piece played elegantly, and secretly enjoying the down and dirtier Dixie styling.

There are tons of "Peter and the Wolf" narrators out there, and fairly similar versions of the famous "child's introduction to classical" music that Prokofiev created. Conried's is one of the few comic variations. Others would be Weird Al Yankovic (CBS) backed by the synthesizers of Wendy Carlos, Peter Schickele (Telarc) doing it as a Western, and Allan Sherman's "Peter and the Commissar" (RCA)

The Prokofiev piece is so confined to a kiddie audience, and so well associated with having a star describe the action, that there really are very few recordings that DON'T have a celebrity introducing the various instruments and telling listeners what the music is now representing. If you do want a real orchestra version after the Hans Conried, and not Dixieland, your choices of narrator include:

Boris Karloff (Mercury Childcraft, Vanguard) one of the best of the 50's narrators, although a strong case can be made for the Disneyland version done by flutey-voiced Sterling Holloway. Sean Connery (Decca, London-Phase 4) did it. So did Rob Reiner (Angel), Basil Rathbone (Columbia), Jonathan Winters (EMI), Tony Randall (IBM-cd rom), Captain Kangaroo (Everest, International House of Pancakes promo), Arthur Godfrey (Columbia), Brandon De Wilde (Vox), Garry Moore (Early Years-Record Club of America), Will Geer (Vanguard), Cyril Ritchard (Columbia), Lorne Greene (RCA) Patrick Stewart (ERATO) and David Bowie (RCA). Michael Flanders' version (ANGEL) got some critical flak because he introduced the duck as 'stupid.' Not PC to call a duck stupid!

There are versions from Sophia Loren (Pentatone), Hermloine Gingold (DG), Jacqueline du Pre (DG), Mia Farrow (Angel), Carol Channing (Caedmon), Beatrice Lillie (Decca, London-Jubilee), Eleanor Roosevelt (RCA Victor 10 inch), Alastair Smythe (Fairyland/Corona), Jack Lemmon (Laserlight), Sir Alec Guinness (RCA), Sir John Gielgud (Virgin), Paul Daneman (Music for Pleasure), Oleg Prokofiev (Hyperion), Frank Phillips (Decca), Paul Hogan (EMI), James Pease (Rocking Horse/Diplomat), Alec McCowen (Philips), Alec Clunes (DG), Sting (DG), Peter Ustinov (Angel), Yadu (Magic Maestro), Richard Baker (Classics for Pleasure), Frank Milano (Golden), Jose Ferrer (Kapp), William F. Buckley Jr. (Proarte), Richard Hale (RCA), Christopher Lee (Nimbus), Dudley Moore (Philips), Itzhak Perlman (EMI), George Raft (London), Tom Seaver (MMG) and a host of others. Conductor Andre Previn, who recorded a version with Mia Farrow, also narrated it himself (Telarc), and with his ego, it's no surprise that Leonard Bernstein did as well (Columbia). Rock fans will already be way ahead of me in adding that stupid rock version with the "all star" cast that included the lead singer from Procol Harum…whatever his name is. Oh, and I had Dame Edna Everage autograph my CD (Naxos) of her version of it…although she was dressed in Barry Humphries drag at the time.

Now here's Hans Conried using his comically sour Shakespearean ham-voice to contrast the earthy instrumentals of his Dixieland pals. It's not only one of the most unusual versions, it's probably the least likely to ever get a CD release….

PETER AND THE WOLF... IN DIXIELAND

PAGE MORTON Dead at 97 - CHOCK FULL O' NUTS

She was best known for 30 seconds. A coffee commercial.

Page Morton (Oct. 27, 1915-July 21, 2013) was one of many 50's nightclub singers. At a time when restaurants and even banks routinely had a live pianist performing to draw customers and add class, it wasn't too difficult for a fairly attractive if long-faced woman with a decent voice to sing standards in one of New York's plentiful hotel venues. She made it to 5th Avenue's Sherry-Netherland, and the equally posh Pierre with its views of Central Park. On September 26 and 27th 1961, she was in the studio with veteran arranger Leo Addeo to record her debut album for MGM. It would be her only vinyl long-player. Maybe because as a singer she was truly in the middle of the road, not enticingly in any particular direction. Or maybe because...

She married the owner of Chock Full o'Nuts in 1962. The old guy began the company back in the 20's and his luncheonettes actually did sell nuts. In fact they turned up in the ethnic sandwich specialty, cream cheese on raisin bread. The gooey white stuff filling was festooned with bits of pistachio. The accompanying java became so popular it was eventually canned and sold directly to customers…and became a national brand. A perk of Page's coffee-stained marriage was that her version of the company's commercial jingle replaced the one sung by Geanne Martin…her husband's previous wife. Her husband's name was William Black, by the way. But "Black Coffee" was already taken.

The "Chock Full o'Nuts" easy-going dirge-waltz about that "heavenly coffee" merely switched a few lines from "That Heavenly Feeling," a tune popularized by The McGuire Sisters and written by the team of Wayne and Silbert. It became one of many examples of a commercial lyric eclipsing the original…which had to be OK with the authors when the royalty checks came in. Morton only recorded one album (for MGM) but her "hit" commercial was on the air for decades, comfortable, familiar, and one of the more pleasant jingles on the air.

80 year-old William Black died in 1983. He was remembered for his charity work and for "reverse racism." Mr. Black hired a lot of black workers at his urban luncheonettes and some white union employees grumbled about this. Also unusual was Mr. Black's policy of allowing employees to invest in his company via discounted stock purchases. His company made $115.8 million in 1983, most of it from national sales of the coffee. In 1984, "That Heavenly Feeling" re-worded as "The Chock Full o'Nuts" jingle, underwent a final, bizarre lyric change. Henry Jerome turned it into "I Want to Know," and Page Morton Black went into the studio with horrid MOR backing singers and a creepy bass-baritone…and released the single via Atlantic. Ahmet Ertegun must've been in quite a Black mood to do that!

The single went nowhere, and the "Chock Full o'Nuts" chain of 25 stores mostly in Manhattan and Brooklyn was eclipsed in the late 80's and early 90's by fast food joints, the same ones that doomed Horn and Hardart's automat, Prexy's ("the hamburger with the college education") and even Schrafft's and the lunch counter at Woolworths. The jingle wasn't that relevant for selling cans of coffee. Back when a cup was a dime, the last line resonated: "better coffee a millionaire's money can't buy." But in the 80's and 90's the average slob chugged down some inky brown shit from Dunkin' Donuts or Burger King and that was good enough.

This didn't turn Page, who was more than a millionaire. The retired chanteuse was popular in society circles and was a philanthropist working with the National Parkinson Diseases Foundation. She also raised three daughters. Like another grand dame of the circuit, Kitty Carlyle, she was sometimes urged to perform again, or at least sing her jingle and a few standards at some party or event.

In 1996 she released a CD, "Page One," which reprised "May You Always" and "Don't Blame Me" from her first album, and included covers of other classics including "That Old Feeling" and "As Time Goes By." The producer she hired chose fox-trot clip-clop arrangements which led some "reviewer" at Amazon to complain that not only couldn't the old lady sing, but it was ludicrous to do "reggae." Awww. Judge for yourself, but judge her not too harshly, via the sample track, "You Better Go Now."

Page's last dramatic moment…too dramatic…came in 2008. Her home in Mamaroneck caught fire, and she was trapped on an upstairs balcony, the elderly lady saved by the timely arrival of the fire department. Happily there was no burnt Page, and few have a memory of getting burned by a bad cup of Chock Full o'Nuts. She had a long life. As she lays freshly in the ground, in her heavenly coffin, we remember Page Morton as the nice lady who sang one of radio and TV'S least annoying singing commercials.

From Page's MGM album, not a really interesting version of TILL THE REAL THING COMES ALONG

PAGE sings the 30 second Chock Full o'Nuts theme, followed by her 1984 new-lyric single "I Want To Know" Chock Full o'Nuts/I WANT TO KNOW

PAGE MORTON sings again, 1996 YOU BETTER GO NOW

THAT HEAVENLY FEELING The McGuire Sisters

WHO'S YEHOODI or YEHUDI? CAB CALLOWAY or MARTHA TILTON!

WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

WHO'S HOWDY DOODY?

WHO'S ROOTIE KAZOOTIE or GAILLARD'S MCVOUTY??

Nevermind. Let's cover WHO'S YEHUDI, having started in with it via the Jerry Colonna post back on the 9th. And no, Yehudi isn't the former leader of the Blowfish.

Yehudi was of course Yehudi Menuhin. The name Yehudi, along with Yehuda, is a variation on Judah, fourth son of Jacob and Leah in the Old Testament. But…

While the comic question from Colonna had to do with the violinist, the musical question doesn't.

"Who's Yehudi" was asked by songwriters Bill Seckler and Matt Dennis in 1940. The answer? Nobody's quite sure! Lots of clues were given when Martha Tilton sang the number in that year's film "Varsity Vanities." Perhaps to avoid offending Mr. Menuhin, the shellac version, also from 1940 via Cab Calloway, spelled the name "Yahoodi," which was more of a hoot.

There are two theories of how the catch-phrase began. The first one seems a bit of a myth. Supposedly Yehudi Menuhin was announced as a guest on Bob Hope's Pepsodent-sponsored radio show, and sidekick Colonna piped up with "Who's Yehudi?" And kept saying it as long as the audience laughed. Kinda unlikely, huh? Author David Goodman in his book "Radio's Civic Ambition," backs this theory by reporting there was "a guest appearance from celebrity violinist Yehudi Menuhin in 1939." However no collector of OTR (Old Time Radio) has that episode of Bob Hope's show and I haven't found any radio listings on microfilm from any newspaper that list Menuhin as a guest. If he was a guest in 1939, it could only have been some time between October and December of 1939, as the acetates or masters from those broadcasts are the only ones that are still lost.

Author John Dunning, in his book "On the Air: The Encyclopedia of Old-Time Radio," has a more plausible theory, and it has to do with Bob Hope's announcer Bill Goodwin: "the Yehudi gag grew out of a contest, begun on The Pepsodent Show, to help name Bill Goodwin's new baby. Colonna suggested Yehudi in response to the rise of the Russian-American concert violinist Yehudi Menuhin. The name got laughs from people who had never heard of Yehudi…and the gag was off and running." This version is repeated by Lawrence J. Quirk ("Bob Hope: The Road Well Traveled"). He writes: "When the wife of the show's announcer, Bill Goodwin, gave birth, a contest was held to name the baby. At that time Yehudi Menuhin, the classical violin prodigy, was attracting wide attention (among a completely different class of people from those who listened to Hope, of course) and Colonna suggested "Yehudi!" Before long, the name caught on and came up again and again in sketches and gags until Yehudi became a character _ a mythical person the cast kept searching for— in its own right. "Who's Yehudi?" became a national catch phrase….The Great Menuhin himself was apprised of its use as a gimmick on the Hope show and thought it "vulgar but harmless."

IT'S A HOOT: Who's Yahoodi - Cab Calloway

TILTON'S TOPS: Martha's film soundtrack version

The Death of PEPPI MARCHELLO of THE GOOD RATS

Sometimes, somebody says something to you, and it stays with you. It might not be a profound remark, it might even be something others have said, but it's the way he said it. Or the circumstances. Or both.

I was asking Peppi Marchello how he and his Good Rats were doing. He said, "Keeping the price up."

Important. Something to remember. And I have. You can go through many hills and valleys in your career...but you must retain your dignity. No pay to play gigs. No selling t-shirts if you don't want to, especially not below cost. No compromise if it in any way affects integrity. Even when his band's "Tasty" album was more a cult remembrance than a best-seller, and there were empty weeks on the touring calendar, Peppi was "keeping the price up." No half-empty local bar. Full house or nothing. An indie label that will at least do it right or stay out of the studio. The Good Rats played B.B. King's in 2008 and yes, that place does have a meaningful cover and minimum. And yes, there were enough of Peppi's fans willing to pay up to get in.

Peppi died July 10th, age 68, due to heart surgery complications. Most who remember The Good Rats mourn the end of "the greatest bar band" they ever saw. (Ironically today's set of postings includes another band that could be candidates for that honor, Dr. Hook….one of the truly great "good time" bands to enjoy with a few beers).

At this peculiar blog, The Good Rats became a fave not because they were a good bar band. Their first album (1969) was impressive. The highlight was a gruesome song called "For the Sake of Anyone." You can hear it below. It's way ahead of its time, opening with the same foreboding of a Shangri-La's single. Then, with Vanilla Fudge organ spitting along, Peppi jumps in with a pre-Alice Cooper, strained, snarly growl of great intensity. And just to fuck with you a little more, the five-minute track wanders into some Sgt. Pepper violins and Peppi ends up doing some mental-hospital moaning as solemn brass chimes in. But that's not all. There has to be the confrontation finale, Mom and Son. And WHO produced this? Ron Haffkine, who would later find fame and fortune behind the controls for...Dr. Hook! The other cuts on the album (except perhaps for the Three Stooges "Hello Hello Hello" humor in the opening "We Are the Good Rats" tune) are all seething, like the fantastic "Gotta Get Back."

I remember mentioning to Peppi, the letter to the editor I saw in a 1972 issue of Creem. Quote:

"Since you guys like to keep track of so called "killer" groups, I'd like to know if you know what ever happened to a group called The Good Rats? I picked up their album, which I vaguely remember being released around early 1969, in a 59 cents bargain bin the other day, and it like to blew my head off. They make the Stooges and MC5 sound like Donovan. The lead singer whoever he is, or was, sounds like his balls are caught in a garbage disposal. All the songs are written by Peppi Marchello, but I've never heard of him either. I'm curious because I've never heard of these guys since, and wonder if they have any other recordings available. They seemed too good to be a one-shot wonder…Andy Lee, Ft. Walton Beach, Fla."

I had to admit that I'd gotten that album from a bargain bin as well…for 47 cents. "That much," Peppi noted, drolly. Creem, by the way, didn't have an answer to the letter. Two years after it was published, in 1974, the group was signed to Alice Cooper's record label for "Tasty." Me...I was still tasting that first one. During my disc jockey time I preferred to play an old Kapp cut like "Gotta Get Back" alongside a Cooper track like "Under My Wheels." That was because "Tasty" was, well, a little too tasteful!

Rolling Stone (you remember them, they used to review records) loved the new album, declaring "the revamped Good Rats have discarded the droning heavy-metal slag that marred their first effort in favor of some fresh, tight, jazz-tinged rock…John Gatto in particular is an exceptionally nimble guitarist, stylistically based in rock though owing much to the jazz idiom. Tempering adroit solos with equally adept fills, he is a welcome change from the distortion-freak guitar bangers currently in vogue…Marchello…sporting a piercing, gravelly voice…Stewart and Cocker first come to mind as he shares elements of both but copies neither. What Marchello lacks in smoothness and texture, though, is more than made up for in his mannerisms and controlled presentation…"

"Tasty" was a critical hit but didn't exactly sell a lot of copies. It was long out of print by the time I first caught up to Peppi. Not that he was that crushed about it, he was bragging that it was going for "$25 a pop," if not more in Greenwich Village record shops. THAT was an example of keeping the price up!

Rolling Stone even praised Peppi's lyrics ("in a time when non-musicians (the Dolls et al) are thought of as brilliant") and ended by declaring, "If it gets the recognition it deserves "Tasty" will establish the Rats as the best thing to come out of Long Island since the Vanilla Fudge." Except it didn't get that recognition. The Good Rats sporadically made their various new and indie albums in the late 70's and 80's, and veered far from "For the Sake of Anyone" and "Tasty" both. Critics didn't exactly find the new bar-band type albums "Tasty," but Peppi and his group did become known for their live shows, and fans stayed loyal. Into the late 90's and the 21st Century, gigs may have been fewer, but when they played, they rocked.

From their first album, "For the Sake of Anyone," and "Gotta Get Back."

GOTTA GET BACK: GOOD RATS

FOR THE SAKE OF ANYONE Powerful lyrics from PEPPI MARCHELLO

The COVER of the ROLLING STONE - (Give 'em the HOOK)

Remember when being on the cover of Rolling Stone was cool?

Gravel-voiced Shel Silverstein wrote a song about it, and like many he wrote for his "cover band" Dr. Hook ("Sylvia's Mother" the first) those guys were able to make it a hit. The magazine even put Dr. Hook on the cover!

Lead singers Ray and Dennis were the first rockers I interviewed. It was a great way to start. They were, as they admitted, "goofballs" who just "stumbled out on stage" to have a good time. How could I not feel at ease talking to such unpretentious guys?? I had a great time talking with them, the start of "dreams coming true," and not only meeting most of my favorite stars but doing it professionally, with mutual respect and benefit. I was glad to have other chances to talk to Ray and Dennis and to write about them as they piled up more hits. What times.

Times have changed. A band putting out albums full of oldies, swamp rock, novelty, and C&W tear jerkers? Does that happen now? Does any band put out a collection of songs you could sing along to? As for the cover of the Rolling Stone, well, I haven't written in to cancel my subscription, but that mag has been trying my patience by devoting space, and often the cover, to talentless assholes (Kid Rock, Jay-Z, Kanye etc.) And the cutie-pie shot of adorable "Jahar" on the cover IS a gaffe.

They should admit it instead of being snotty with excuses. Associate editor Simon Vozick-Levonson tweeted: "Should journalists not write about people who commit awful crimes?" The answer is, YOU slanted the photo to make him the love-puppy, the one that has girls screaming "Free him, Free him" on Facebook because he's SO cute. YOU could've added a few sobering images on that cover to contrast his looks with his actions. A caption calling him a baby-faced monster would've also helped make your point clearer.

Then there was the Tweet (quickly deleted) from senior editor Christian Hoard (yes, that's his name) saying: "I guess we should have drawn a dick on Dzhokhar's face or something?" Well, Christian, in this case, I can't say you were really any more of a journalist than Perez Hilton.

I've been a magazine editor several times, and I've chosen what goes on a cover, by myself or along with my art department and publisher and staff, with 100,000 to 500,000 readers waiting. I would not have chosen such a cover. I've made some mistakes now and then (a mis-labeled caption, a photo of a rocker with a half-naked groupie which got the mag pulled from distribution in one particular country) but nothing like this.

And so Rolling Stone will lose a lot of money on returns of the issue. I'm not for censorship, or Paula Deen-type bullying where people use economic sanctions to force their view on someone else, but…I ain't exactly crying for millionaire publisher Jann Wenner…who probably was licking his lips at that picture of the curly-haired cutie who went wrong. As wrong as his editorial staff.

Turning away from two murderous brothers, let's go back and hear my friends Ray and Dennis. Ray (eye patch) is still touring here and there as Dr. Hook (with no mention allowed of Dennis) and Dennis lives in England, makes an album now and then…and always has a good audience for his live shows, which are a lot more mature than the old days…but still a lot of fun.

Back when it meant something to be on the... COVER OF THE ROLLING STONE

PS

ROLLING STONE doesn't think pretty-boy-Muslim-maniac on the cover will hurt them financially.

The mag's circulation is 95% subscription (1.4 million copies).

Guy Marks Joey Forman & WHAT KARLOFF DIDN'T SAY AT LUGOSI'S FUNERAL

Your download below is a peculiar musical moment from an exhibit at the World's Fair of 1964.

Held in Queens, New York, which at the time was a calm, spacious middle-class "suburb" of Manhattan, the '64 Fair was on enough acreage to make for a full weekend of activity. Just walking around the grounds, looking at the Unisphere, the futuristic buildings and the plentiful park areas would take hours. Being a "world" fair meant that you could wander along and pass mini-versions of exotic countries and other tourist locales. The Hawaii exhibit had open-air exhibits of exotic flora and fauna and some very live hula girls.

The corporate exhibits and "World of Tomorrow" type buildings, and Disney "automatronic" historical displays were a mixed bag, some charging admission, some free and designed as thinly veiled promotion. Some of the entertainment was set up just to give families a place to sit and watch a movie or a show, and one of those was Sid and Marty Krofts'"Les Poupées de Paris." One number in the show featured musical puppet versions of Lugosi's Dracula and Karloff's Frankenstein singing a song.

The "Poupees" flashed back to mind when, a few nights ago, I grabbed the easy-read of James Bacon's "Hollywood is a Four Letter Town," to put myself to sleep. I figured I'd read a random bunch of the late gossip columnist's anecdotes about the great stars he knew. Or did he? On page 241:

"When Bela Lugosi died, I met Peter Lorre for a few drinks before going to the funeral. At the funeral we met Boris Karloff. At the conclusion of the services, the mourners were invited to view the body of Count Dracula. Boris, Peter and I were together in the line. As I watched Boris and Peter looking down on Bela's remains - and what a picture that would have made - I heard Peter say, "Come now, Bela, quit putting us on."

A lie. NONE of them were at the funeral. (In some versions, Vincent Price is with Lorre, not Karloff. In most tellings, Karloff gives the unlikely hipster punchline.) The guest-book for Bela's funeral still exists:

Various writers have interviewed the mourners and all confirmed that the only "celebrities" there were Tor Johnson (who played "Lobo" in "Bride of the Monster" and a cop in "Plan 9") and the director of those two Lugosi films, Ed Wood.

Gregory Mank in his book "Bela Lugosi and Boris Karloff," even takes pains to list co-stars who were still alive, worked with Bela, but didn't attend what was an obscure and sad affair. The list of actresses, for example, included Julie Bishop, Lucille Lund, Irene Ware, Frances Drake, Josephine Hutchinson, Anne Nagel, Anne Gwynne, Helen Parrish and Rita Corday…'None came to the funeral." The dedicated author also mentions that Carroll Borland, "who did know, failed to come to the funeral, although she later felt compelled to fib that she had attended."

Back to the Bacon fib. He writes he had drinks with Lorre and then went to the funeral? I can't excuse this as the writer having the DT's so bad he was hallucinating. The prick probably heard this jokey anecdote from some fool, and decided to insert himself into the story. What a stupid thing to do. It reduces the credibility of everything else he ever wrote and there was no reason to do it. He legitimately rubbed elbows with enough stars to simply write, "I once heard this great story…." Except, did anyone reviewing his book catch him on it? No. That's what gossip writing has always been about; a momentary chuckle, smirk or lurid gasp, and then it's forgotten. But unfortunately gossip can become part of "Hollywood Babylon" legend and taken as the truth...and some made-up stories are pretty nasty and hurtful. This one is just stupid, and annoying to hear time and time again...usually by somebody doing a horrible impression of Karloff or Lorre.

Don't believe all you read in the papers. Writers routinely make shit up, sometimes even in collusion with a star's publicist. I've had editors pointedly tell me to just make stuff up if it would "help" make the story juicier. "Who cares?" they shrug. When I was a freelance photographer with one of the big photo agencies, I was told, "Be sure to bring in unflattering pictures…like if a celebrity blinks and her eyes are closed..." which could then be sold to a tabloid that needs a picture to go with a fake "star passed out drunk at party" tale. As Lily Tomlin said, no matter how cynical you are, it's hard to keep up.

Who knows how often someone came up to Vincent Price or Karloff laughing about that funny "Bela, quit putting us on," line. Or, in case you heard this one too, Peter Lorre quipping "Why don't we put a stake through his heart to make sure he's dead?"

Quite dead are Poupees parodists Guy Marks (as Karloff) and Joey Forman (as Lugosi). You might remember Guy Marks for his eccentric semi-hit "Loving You Has Made me Bananas," his single doing "Volare" as an Indian chief, or his album where he does impressions of movie stars singing old time tunes. Maybe in the silent film era Joey Forman could've been another Harry Langdon or Larry Semon, with his sad baby face. Sitcom fans might know him from silly roles he played on sitcoms including "Bewitched" and "Get Smart" (on the latter, as Oriental sleuth "Harry Hoo"). Vinyl addicts can find Joey on Bill Dana's "Maharishi" parody album from A&M as well as the UA soundtrack of moments from "Get Smart."

Guy Marks and Joey Forman Let's Be FRANK Mr. FRANKENSTEIN

THE LATE GREAT CORNELIUS HARP: "BLUE MOON" The Marcels

Farewell to Cornelius Harp (September 14, 1939-June 4, 2013).

No wisecracks about him playing a harp now…because the news is still a bit too depressing here in Illville. The Marcels were one of my favorites, thanks mainly to their doo-wop hot-wiring of stalled standards "Blue Moon" and "Heartaches."

Too bad The Marcels couldn't be taken seriously after that. Though a brilliant harmonizing doo-wop group before their Top Ten fame, and more than capable of handling the more romantic Platters-type of material, they lost direction (and their Colpix deal) with too many repeat attempts at goosing older songs ("Melancholy Baby"and "Old Black Magic") or veering into Coasters territory ("Friendly Loan"). They issued only one album and a smattering of singles after that.

I have no idea why Cornelius Harp didn't emerge as a solo act, but perhaps he was busy with a day job, and going on the road when The Marcels were able to be part of some package-revue.

It's possible that his main problem was that as lead singer for The Marcels, his talents were overshadowed by the antics of his three doo-wopping harmonizers and most especially, Fred Johnson's cool and hilarious bass nonsense-words. Imagine if Levi Stubbs of The Tour Tops was stinging out the straining paining lyrics to "Heartaches" while a clowny bunch of doo-wop singers were goofing the melody, and a bass man was swooping in with wurps and dips and bing-a-bopes? Nobody would be talking about him, either.

For Stubbs, his vocals were the focus point with The Four Tops. Harp, like Levi Stubbs, had a strong, direct singing style, but so much is going on in those Top 10 Marcels hits that people don't appreciate it. Listen to "Blue Moon" and "Heartaches" and hear how "Uncle Neeny" (as his relatives called him) propels that melody forward. He's almost like a mad father driving 70 mph down the highway with a fat nagging wife (on bass) and a back seat full of idiot brats (doing wah-wah-wah doo-wop chugs). Cornelius sounds determined, like he's got his eyes on the road and his foot on the pedal and nothing will wreck his concentration. It's a mad, mad ride.

Perhaps idiot savants, The Marcels, if you want to get a little overboard, were doo-wop masters of Comedy and Tragedy, and to borrow a phrase from Kipling, could "treat those two imposters just the same." While the bass made nonsense fun of the melody, the tenor soared along putting everything he had into those lyrics. Ever cry hot tears of rage only to find that they tickle your face?

For me, that's sort of what The Marcels do. You smile at the goofy Fred Johnson bass, you groove to the three guys harmonizing the fast rhythm, but then there's the seriously powerful tenor of Cornelius Harp.

If you check the rather sparse catalog of Marcels material out there, you'll find that Cornelius Harp had a versatile range, able to handle a Platters-type version of "Summertime," romantic ballads as well as hard-charging soulful R&B. It must be admitted that nobody, not Caruso (the first of the full-tilt tenors to bawl at a microphone) not Levi Stubbs, and not Harp, could get anywhere without good material and a little "magic" in the production. Which is why most people only know Caruso from a few arias, and Stubbs for a "greatest hits" of 60's Four Tops hits (and very little of what he and his group did in the decades after). Cornelius Harp? He only had a few years of prime recording, but he did produce some gems.

For most, the diamond is "Blue Moon," and below, you get five versions.

"ZOOM/Blue Moon" is an acapella demo recording The Marcels sent to record companies. It was such a stand-out among the tracks submitted, that producer Stu Phillips, requested that they actually cover "Blue Moon" during their official Colpix studio session.

"Blue Moon" the hit single. Another favorite of the blog, Murray the K, (Murray Kaufman), was legendarily essential to The Marcels' success. One of the nation's most influential disc jockeys, operating out of New York's WINS radio station, Murray played the hell out of his "Blue Moon" demo to the point where record stores were desperate for copies. Break a song in New York, and it will explode all over the country.

"Blue Moon" by Herb Lance and The Classics. Here's proof The Marcels could not be duplicated. Released on the oddly-named "Promo" label, and produced by Roger Sherman (who had signed The Classics to his Dart label a few years earlier), this was rush-released when demand for The Marcels was at its peak. Why Herb Lance needed to be brought in to front The Classics is anyone's guess. It was unfortunately common back then for people to go to a record store, ask for a song by title, and not get the right artist. There might be a file cabinet or a cubby hole with a half-dozen singers doing "Beyond the Sea" or "Hello Dolly." In this case, store clerks disposed of enough Herb Lance singles for a second printing…you can find both a red label and brown label version of his "Blue Moon."

"Blue Moon" by The Promenade Orchestra and Chorus. Promenade was one of those "six songs for a dollar" companies. Their 45 rpm budget EP's gave you three songs on each side. Unknowns with fake names, or given the catch-all name "Promenade Orchestra and Chorus" would try to imitate the originals. You knew you weren't getting the real star when you bought one of these; you were hoping the imitation wasn't too terrible. No, not TOO terrible here. But nobody sounded like Cornelius, Fred, or the under-appreciated rest of the group.

"Blue Moon" by Glen Gray, recorded back in 1934. Just in case you wanted to hear how the song was "supposed" to sound.

.

The Marcels underwent changes between their two (and only) Top 10 hits "Blue Moon" and "Heartaches." When they toured the South, audiences were shocked to see that the Pittsburgh group had two white guys mixed in with the coloreds. Integration? Uh, NO. The white guys were replaced by bass man Fred Johnson's brother and a guy named Walt Maddox.

The all-black Marcels did have a hit with "Heartaches," but they floundered with more attempts at that formula and apparently disc jockeys were even more skeptical if they got hold of a single in which the group tried to sing straight doo-wop. Even an appearance in the film "Twist Around the Clock" failed to enhance their status as a group with potential. Amid the failed singles, and who knows what internal bickering, Walt Maddox replaced Cornelius Harp and The Marcels turned into a foursome. And they turned into a part-time touring group on the oldies circuit and have remained that way.

Once in a blue moon there was a new single under The Marcels name. In 1973, "In The Still of the Night"/"High on a Hill" was released but had neither Maddox nor Harp on it. The group name was used because two vintage members were singing: Bingo Mundy and Richard Knauss along with three imposters. Two years later, Cornelius Harp assembled "The Fabulous Marcels" for a single on the obscure St. Clair label: "That Lucky Old Sun"/Peace of Mind."

Walt Maddox put his version of The Marcels on wax again in 1978 with a disco-styled remake of "Blue Moon," and successfully prevented any further confusion by winning complete legal use of The Marcels name. In 1994 he brought in Jules Hopson as lead singer and for nearly 20 years now, Hopson has been the Harp imposter.

Fortunately when PBS assembled and televised one of their first fund-raising oldies concerts, and wanted The Marcels, they insisted on the REAL deal. Four of the five were alive and ready to kick, including Fred Johnson on bass, and Cornelius singing lead. That's the picture on this page and you can see that performance of "Blue Moon" on YouTube. A year ago, PBS once again brought in The Marcels for yet another oldies show, but Cornelius was missing. The rest of the surviving originals (including Fred Johnson on bass, his hair now cut short) showed up to augment the Maddox imposters.

The Maddox-managed version of The Marcels is still part of oldies packages, and sometimes they get a chance to turn in an hour or so on their own. It happens once in a blue moon. One of their few scheduled starring performances is next month (Friday, August 30, 2013) at the St. Mary's Ukrainian Festival, Corner of Helen and Ella St., McKees Rocks, Pennsylvania.

FIVE versions of BLUE MOON

ILL-USTRATED Songs #25 "EBB TIDE" from Jerry Colonna

It's summer, and humans are at the beach, pulling clams, crabs and lobsters out of their hiding places and into scalding water or onto burning barbecue racks till their shells crack. Mmmm, seafood mama!

Seafood doesn't scream, so let's allow Jerry Colonna (September 17, 1904 – November 21, 1986) to do it for 'em.

A human caricature with pop eyes and a stereotypical Italian mustache, Colonna was a trombone player for various big bands. His strange look and class clown personality made him a stand-out at live gigs, and a natural for handling novelty vocals. He eventually worked with the eccentric orchestra leader and composer Raymond Scott. Jerry worked with a variety of bands and many of them got radio gigs backing the top comics of the day. Comedians always liked to play to the hipster musicians, and often single out a few to ad-lib with. David Letterman with Paul Shafer is the most obvious example now. Going backward, there was Johnny Carson and Doc Severinsen, Merv Griffin and Jack Sheldon, Jackie Gleason and Sammy Spear and Jack Benny with Phil Harris. Colonna caught the eye of most every radio comedian he worked with, from Fred Allen to Bob Hope, who elevated him to second banana.

Colonna was versatile enough to be able to borrow from a variety of other comics of the day. Joe E. Brown was the wide-mouthed comic known for stretching out a yell to comic proportions, and Colonna became another. "The Mad Russian" was a comic who came out with pop eyes and a glazed personality and after a few eccentric words in a strange accent, disappeared again. Colonna did that, too. Like many an inane comedian, such as Joe "Wanna Buy a Duck" Penner, Colonna found a catchphrase that made no sense but was loved by listeners: "Who's Yehudi?" Phil Harris' snappy "Hiya Jackson" to Jack Benny was bettered by Jerry's impudent "Greetings, Gate" to Bob Hope.

Most of all, "One Note" Colonna had the trademark routine of wrecking a song with his corny over-the-top dramatics...always done with a look of lunacy in his eye. "You're My Everything" was sure-fire, the first word of the song starting softly in the back of his throat, gaining speed and volume and becoming an ear-splitting siren. One might not want a whole album of this, or hear this every week, but Colonna's mixed bag of eccentric tricks kept him a welcome co-star with Bob Hope well into the 60's and 70's.

JERRY COLONNA soils the EBB TIDE

ILL-USTRATED Songs #24 "AT THE CODFISH BALL" Mae Questel

Continuing our sea-side luau, here's one of the few eccentric female vocalists who was working around the same time as Jerry Colonna. Mae Questel was mainly known for voicing cartoon characters in the 30's and 40's; both Betty Boop and Olive Oyl. While she didn't really make a dent on radio or in the movies, she did record many a novelty song (as did Helen Kane, the original boop-a-doop girl.) Some people love the Betty and Olive voices, others find them irritating and tiresome after more than a few minutes. So proceed with caution: "At the Codfish Ball" could make you break out in a rash.

Mae had an enduring career thanks to her vocal talents, coy though they might be. Once she aged into the spitting image of a yenta, and her pudgy face truly matched her naggy voice, she got some of her best paychecks. In 1964 she co-starred on Broadway in the musical "Bajour," playing the trying but lovable mother to Nancy Dussault (and the potential victim of a gypsy con game). A few years later, and she starred on the comedy album "Mrs. Portnoy's Retort," a risque attempt to cash in on Philip Roth's best selling novel of Judaism and jerking off. The album was quite a surprise for her fans and an odd choice for United Artists, a label that almost never issued comedy records (an exception being the two-disc deal they gave Jackie Vernon). Mae then invaded TV homes as "Aunt Bluebelle" in a series of paper towel commercials. As the funny-if-frightening "Jewish Mother in the Sky" her last hurrah was in Woody Allen's segment of "New York Stories" (1989).

"At the Codfish Ball" was a Shirley Temple hit, but covered by quite a few artists…none more precocious than Mae. Just why anyone would want to eat codfish balls is up for grabs, but just for the sake of novelty, here it is…and for the visual, you get to see the rare sight of a nine-tentacled octopus!

Mae Questel At the Codfish Ball