Tuesday, October 09, 2012

Dead Insect Eater Edward Archbold should've done THE COCKROACH STOMP

Edward Archbold could've gotten some exercise dancing to "The Cockroach Stomp."

Instead, he crammed giants roaches down his throat. A fatal mistake.

Hope it doesn't tarnish the enthusiasm we have for "Competitive Eating" competitions! After all, nothing is more entertaining than watching somebody gorge on hot dogs on the Fourth of July, or gulp down hard boiled eggs for the glory of a "World Record," which we can watch on a 50 inch plasma TV, unlike starving people who have no TV and would be grateful for a handful of rice.

At the Ben Siegel Reptile Store (Deerfield Beach, near Miami) the prize was…a python. And who wouldn't want one? Why have a cat, for example, when you can call attention to yourself with a python? Although perhaps a shrubbery would be just as peculiar to be proud of. Or a herring.

At Siegel's "Midnight madness" event, Friday night, October 5th, contestants had just four minutes to consume as many bugs as possible. Lucky Edward Archibold was declared the winner. Then he threw up. Then he fell down. And by the time he was hauled to the hospital, he wasn't doing anything, not even breathing. Last report, he's getting a free autopsy at the Broward Medical Examiner's Office.

Roach eating contests. Food eating contests. Recreational eating and snacking. Why, in the good old days, people were told to respect nature, guys such as Jack LaLanne believed in eating natural foods, fruits and vegetables and nothing processed and man-made, and it was a sin to waste food and…there were cute novelty songs like "The Cockroach Stomp." Eat roaches? No, stomp on 'em! Which was, come to think of it, pretty good exercise, too. People also did The Twist. Now pudgy fingers can barely unscrew a twist-top can, and angry slobs like Chris Christie and Rosie O'Donnell and Jennifer Livingston growl like grizzly bears when anyone suggests they be like Al Roker, Oprah Winfrey, or Ricki Lake and shut the cake hole for a while and then eat smaller portions, healthier foods and…get some exercise besides holding a knife and fork.

Anything wrong with over-eating for the fun of it? Just ask John Candy. Chris Farley. Or Edward Archbold, who, it must be admitted, died a winner! At least, this final act may have been an improvement on his last brush with fame…a 2004 arrest (and conviction) for indecent exposure.

The dead roach-eater could end up in a wood box six feet under…and be part of a contest for hungry maggots. They'll consume him in record time and not throw up a single morsel. Some creatures were made to eat dead meat. Maggots. Parasites. Oh yes, and people who enter eating contests and happily visit Applebees, Burger King and the fast food chain that Morrissey likes to call "Kentucky Fried Shit."

Jack Blanchard and Misty Morgan The Cockroach Stomp

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