Shazam! SEVEN pit bulls killing a two year-old that crawled into the backyard? Well, that's life.
GAH-LEE, Sergeant, ever' one o' them dawgs is needed, because somebody might hop the fence and steal some flat tires, or the rusty barbecue grill, or the kinda moldy pile of hangman's rope that hasn't been used since (Lester) Maddox in the days of old.
If there's anything more American (more Southern-American in fact) than owning big loud automatic weapons of death it's owning big loud vicious killer dogs! Yeah, maybe a two-year old gets mauled and killed once in a while. Plenty more ready to come out of the baby-makin' place, ya know, and if ya start young enough, ya'll gonna end up with more kids than dogs fah sure!
WHO LET THE DOGS OUT? 18 year-old, Summer Laminack, that's who.
Summer, who will surely go on to star in an episode of "Jerry Springer" or "Maury Povich," is being defended as only 18, and not really neglectful or anythin' like that. It was just "a tragic accident." Like dropping the bottle of Jack Daniels in the parking lot because you were walking and chewing tobacco at the same time.
It would be downright un-patriotic to send this little lady to jail, or school, or anyplace besides Home Sweet Home, where there's always the sound of insane barking and howling like a rebel yell, which gives everyone a feeling of security. Listen, no matter how poor, white trash and stoopid ya might be, if ya own yo'self a set of dawgs, yo, then ya are sumpin'. Hope nobody takes 'em away. Bet their names are Big Dan, Little Dan, Dan-Bobby, Dan-Billy, Dan-Blasted, Dan-Dang and Dan-Cracker.
Rest easy, Friends. This Summer, Summer will still be home, as free as, oh, Casey Anthony. She'll be drinkin' some Red Bull and Mountain Dew, and pickin' her next Baby Papa out of six or seven neighborhood uncles or cousins. Come on, look at the mug shot. She looks right sorry the whole thing happened, don't she? IF by some mizzable mizzcarriage a' Southern justice, they keep houndin' this little lady for being a good American and owning seven pit bulls, why, we'll just have to go over to SHIT KICKER-STARTER, and start fussin' feudin' and puttin' out the word: SEND LAWYERS, GUNS AND WELFARE MONEY! The dog shit has hit the fan!