Saturday, March 29, 2014

My Fair Lady in DUTCH - Plus Holland's Copyright Thieves

Alrighty then....despite the latest affront to American culture, let's not condemn ALL of Holland. A beer company perpetrated a tasteless act, but not all Dutch people are fat, drunken, tasteless cheap bastards who should drown in the North Sea.

In case you missed the news, a Dutch beer company's new TV ad steals the likenesses of American and British icons (Marilyn Monroe, Presley, etc), places them on a tropical island (so unlike Holland) drinking their horrible fruit-flavored product. Somehow, in this Dutch dream, Kurt Cobain and John Lennon are alive…happy to get loaded on alcohol to the soundtrack of Bobby Hebb's "Sunny." Sun, and good beaches, are unknown in Holland except in their dreams…and fortunately for the Dutch, dreaming is free.

Some say that the Dutch want everything free, which is why their bloggers notoriously give away entire discographies of The Beach Boys and even James Last, and why this beer company figured they didn't need permission from the Cobain, Presley, Monroe or Lennon estates. Yes, these freebie-obsessed cheapsters live up to the name "Netherlands." They are botton feeders and social lepers. "Netherlands" means "Buttocks Lands" full of assholes. Their major cities? Rotterdam is damn full of rotters. Amsterdam is damn full of hamster-dicked fatsos. And Zwolle is where the especially swollen fatsos live. The rest of the world is in awe…of how pathetic the Dutch are. They have prostitutes in every window, marijuana all over the place…and yet these sullen oversized jerks still wish they were in Cal-E-Fornia, wearing cowboy hats and sucking Beach Boy dick. For all the tourists who toss money down to get high and get laid and look at windmills…they remain a cheap bunch of conniving copyright and trademark thieves.

Let's try to understand, that even if they make money, they fear spending it. They need to save up for dikes (no, not the ones half-naked in the windows). They know one day the Muslims in their country will overwhelm them and if they don't convert, they'll need every bit of cash to bribe 'em into letting them leave the country with their precious 1 terrabyte drives of Talking Heads bootlegs…which they can hardly hear over their "talking butts" full of gas. When you make cheese that stinky, you need to keep the air circulating.

The Dutch know…nobody is impressed with tulips, which hardly disguises the smell of a Dutchman. And you'd be embarrassed about the stupid footwear your country is known for, if you lived in Holland….wooden shoe?

Oh, let's lighten up and laugh a little, and forgive the Dutch douches their infantile thievery, and their whining and crying. Acknowledge their suicidal depression about paying for sex and drugs and still being miserable. Paying for anything makes them miserable. Justify their swiping of U.S. and U.K. artists as jealousy over having almost no home grown talent. Actresses? Sylvia Kristel is about it. Musicians? Few attained worldwide fame. Bernard Haitink, the conductor, might be it. Rockers of Dutch extraction aren't exactly prominent either….it's only Van Halen, and I don't fuckin' care about dumbass headbangin' Eddie or other jerky guitar heroes. Sax player Candy Dulfer is ok for a few minutes. Writers? Inventors? Nope. That leaves "Dutch creativity" to a few long-dead artists, Rembrandt, Van Gogh, and Bosch.

Feel sorry that Holland looks like a hemorrhoid sticking out of both Belgium and Germany, and those countries have far more hit-making singers and composers. Taking pity, I'll say something nice about Holland; it's not as dark and cold as Sweden. Also, the Dutch language isn't quite as gruesome as German, which is "a rather brutal language," as Max Prendergast admitted to Emma Peel.

Which brings me to the tribute…for despite the beer ad, I'm not totally pissed at Holland and their weird religion of cheapness. No, the download below isn't every album Holland ever made (who'd care?). It's a few examples from an album of "My Fair Lady" sung in Dutch! Dutch is so full of gutteral gurgles and snotty consonants, it could be called Phlegmish. Yet, such is the obsession for stealing everything American or British, that they couldn't resist grabbing "My Fair Lady" and singing it in their own language. Insane? Of course, but most of Holland's citizens should be in straitjackets. The show's premise was Professor Higgins teaching Eliza Dolittle PERFECT PRONUNCIATION of ENGLISH. Now how does THAT translate into Dutch?

Listen to"Why Can't The English Teach Their Children How to Speak" in Dutch! And…even more frightful, "I'm an Ordinary Man" (aka "Let A Woman In Your Life.") If you don't know what he's singing about, this Dutch Higgins, with his sudden outbursts, sounds like he's trying to recruit members for the Aryan Nation, hoping to get Germany to make Holland a suburb. This stuff IS bizarrely amusing. Listen to the tracks, and drink some of that Holland beer that is going to get you so high you'll think Cobain and Lennon are still alive. Or….imagine there's no Holland…



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