In case you missed the news, a Dutch beer company's new TV ad steals the likenesses of American and British icons (Marilyn Monroe, Presley, etc), places them on a tropical island (so unlike Holland) drinking their horrible fruit-flavored product. Somehow, in this Dutch dream, Kurt Cobain and John Lennon are alive…happy to get loaded on alcohol to the soundtrack of Bobby Hebb's "Sunny." Sun, and good beaches, are unknown in Holland except in their dreams…and fortunately for the Dutch, dreaming is free.
Let's try to understand, that even if they make money, they fear spending it. They need to save up for dikes (no, not the ones half-naked in the windows). They know one day the Muslims in their country will overwhelm them and if they don't convert, they'll need every bit of cash to bribe 'em into letting them leave the country with their precious 1 terrabyte drives of Talking Heads bootlegs…which they can hardly hear over their "talking butts" full of gas. When you make cheese that stinky, you need to keep the air circulating.
The Dutch know…nobody is impressed with tulips, which hardly disguises the smell of a Dutchman. And you'd be embarrassed about the stupid footwear your country is known for, if you lived in Holland….wooden shoe?
Oh, let's lighten up and laugh a little, and forgive the Dutch douches their infantile thievery, and their whining and crying. Acknowledge their suicidal depression about paying for sex and drugs and still being miserable. Paying for anything makes them miserable. Justify their swiping of U.S. and U.K. artists as jealousy over having almost no home grown talent. Actresses? Sylvia Kristel is about it. Musicians? Few attained worldwide fame. Bernard Haitink, the conductor, might be it. Rockers of Dutch extraction aren't exactly prominent either….it's only Van Halen, and I don't fuckin' care about dumbass headbangin' Eddie or other jerky guitar heroes. Sax player Candy Dulfer is ok for a few minutes. Writers? Inventors? Nope. That leaves "Dutch creativity" to a few long-dead artists, Rembrandt, Van Gogh, and Bosch.
Feel sorry that Holland looks like a hemorrhoid sticking out of both Belgium and Germany, and those countries have far more hit-making singers and composers. Taking pity, I'll say something nice about Holland; it's not as dark and cold as Sweden. Also, the Dutch language isn't quite as gruesome as German, which is "a rather brutal language," as Max Prendergast admitted to Emma Peel.
Listen to"Why Can't The English Teach Their Children How to Speak" in Dutch! And…even more frightful, "I'm an Ordinary Man" (aka "Let A Woman In Your Life.") If you don't know what he's singing about, this Dutch Higgins, with his sudden outbursts, sounds like he's trying to recruit members for the Aryan Nation, hoping to get Germany to make Holland a suburb. This stuff IS bizarrely amusing. Listen to the tracks, and drink some of that Holland beer that is going to get you so high you'll think Cobain and Lennon are still alive. Or….imagine there's no Holland…
WHY CAN'T THE ENGLISH TEACH THEIR CHILDREN HOW TO SPEAK Is Hier Nu Niemand
I'M AN ORDINARY MAN (LET A WOMAN IN YOUR LIFE) Ik Ben Een Doodgewone Man