Saturday, December 09, 2017

Bonnie Koloc - The 25th of December + 20 worst Xmas tunes

   Many people find the Christmas season stressful and depressing. A big reason is...CHRISTMAS MUSIC. Stores are full of it. And some people are full of it, walking around in Santa hats, turning the home and workplace garish with idiotic cards, stupid Santa figurines and garish green and blue lights. TV commercials go into hype-overdrive. Hypocrite greedheads who are hateful every other day of the year, think they're fooling everyone by how they compete to have the most disgustingly decorated home on the block. Oh yes, and kill trees.
    Here's a sweetly sad song from Bonnie Koloc, which reflects on the disappointment of how Christmas spirit doesn't last. You can be opening presents with your loved one on the 25th of December...and the bastard could end up drunkenly fucking a stranger on New Year's Eve. That's just one scenario. There are plenty of other grim ones you can think of, as it's always easier to conjure up misery rather than joy.

   Bonnie’s unique voice was very well known to TV audiences in 1973 but with no connection to her name. Her smooth yet soaring vocals were used on a commercial for United Airlines. The company had done well adapting "This Land Is Your Land" into a plug for travel, and when the Guthrie estate demanded more money for re-licensing, the company went a cheaper route. They hired Jerry Liliedah and Jack Smith to write an original jingle. "Have you seen the other side of where you live?" sang Bonnie, strumming her guitar. Burgess Meredith's voice emerged: "No airline takes you to more of this proud land than United..." 

      The "straight" version of the song, "Mother Country," is on "You're Gonna Love Yourself in the Morning," the same lp that features Bonnie's own "The 25th of December." I bought it without knowing about "Mother Country." I'd heard "The 25th of December" on the radio (FM, of course), and it instantly got my attention. I ended up getting several more of Bonnie's albums and CD's. 

      As for Christmas music in general, no thanks to all those generous bloggers who give away entire discographies and 2 GB downloads of the stuff. I know they strongly believe that Jesus thinks "sharing" is not stealing, but the truth is...unless you're 12 or have the mentality of a 12 year-old, this stuff is a waste of ear drums. And that includes "The Little Drummer Boy." For any Scrooges out there, below is a Top 20 of the WORST of the season. It could easily stretch to 100. 

1. Jingle Bells. STUFF THEM UP YOUR ASS. The most over-used and irritatingly cheerful holiday song of all. Who ever rode in a one-horse open sleigh?
2. All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth. Sing it again, brat, and you'll need dentures. (Runner-up "Nuttin' Fer Christmas")
3. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. Insincere, obnoxious, condescending, and as icky as figgy pudding.
4. We Wish You A Merry Christmas. SHUT THE FUCK UP.
5. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Fuck off and take "Frosty the Snowman" with you.
6. Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer. It wasn't even funny the first time.
7. Here Comes Santa Claus. The aural equivalent to bukkake.
8. Santa Claus is Coming to Town. It makes me re-think my opposition to someone owning an AK-47. GET HIM!
9. Sleigh-Ride. Close to "Jingle Bells" as one of the most irritating melodies ever written. It's always sung breathlessly: "it's-lovely-weather-for-a-sleigh-ride-together..." Makes you think "slay." Ring-ting-alingly terrible.
10. White Christmas. One of the most insincere and commercial pieces of treacle, especially as crooned by The Hollow Man (as his son called him) Bing Crosby. Ban everyone who sings this, except a black vocalist, because that makes it funny.
11. Feliz Navidad (lo siento, pero chinga tu madre).
12. 12 Days of Christmas. Just sadistic and monotonous. And to all reporters who think it's clever to write up "how much these gifts would cost," STOP. Nobody's actually going to buy geese a'laying or hire pipers to just go on a 12 day drunk and lie in the gutter till Christmas blows over.
13. Deck the Halls. Over-played, so go "Fa-la-la yourself."
14. Let It Snow - redundancy isn't amusing, so let it go, let it go, let it go. The sickest version is from Dean Martin. Come on Dino, you were a boxer once, a tough guy; don't pretend that you find snowy weather "frightful." 

15. The Little Drummer Boy. (Bang, POW, to the MOON, you little shit.)
16. Wonderful Christmas Time. McCartney first memorable hit melody in about 20 Dah dah dah dah wonderful Christmas time. Repeat. 10 miserable notes that you can't get out of your head with a plumber's helper.
17. Happy Xmas (War is Over). Remembering December 8th prevents me from saying anything more than...this song's lyrics are awful and the singing is, too.
18. Holly Jolly Christmas - written by Johnny Marks, author of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” He was Jewish; maybe this was some kind of revenge.
19. All I Want for Christmas Is You - they call the windy bitch Mariah. Many sound-alike tunes (sung by Carey's competition from Celine Dion to Kelly Clarkson) are just as derivative and dumb. Dragging out words with extra syll-ah-ah-uh-uh-bles…is about as tasty as last year’s fruitcake.
20. Santa’s Coming For Us - Sia, backed by a hideous Jamaican beat, and plenty of retarded BOP, makes this sounds like a bad Sting song played at the wrong speed. Sia, you don’t have to put out de red nose. Congrats on taking the final spot away from “You Make it Feel Like CHristmas” from hillbilly Blake Shelton and boring Gwen Stefani, and
“Season of Love” by the limp dick boy band 98 Degrees. 

The 25th of December by BONNIE KOLOC - no pop-ups, passwords or other piffle 




sbh said...

"Do You Hear What I Hear?" ties with "The Little Drummer Boy" as worst Xmas song on my list. And I'd actually forgotten "Sleigh-Ride" which probably should have been on it.

Ill Folks said...

I forgot about that one. Damn condescending just on the title: "Do you hear what I hear?" Yeah, O Chosen One, I ain't got tinnitis. I hear an awful Christmas song!