Saturday, October 19, 2019

NATIONAL PERIOD DAY - "RED RIVER SALLY" by DICKIE GOODMAN



Above..."RED RIVER SALLY." I'm providing the YouTube link because it's possible (though not probable) that the weeds who run Orchard Entertainment might (but might not) toss a few pennies in royalties to Dickie Goodman's son. 

He, in turn, should donate his money to NATIONAL PERIOD DAY charity. Shouldn't he? Jesus Fuckin' Christ, there are plenty of things trending on TWITTER, but what could be more important than THIS? There are plenty of charities around (feed the starving, save the planet, ASPCA, NAACP, PETA, Cancer Care) but surely NOT as worthy as THIS. 

Bloody hell: 


NOW what? 

NOW what do the Muslim Women of the World and the Social Justice Whorriers want to bother us with? What did White Heterosexual Men do NOW? 

We have allowed some Muslim women in Half-Assistan to dribble inside their burkas? Really? How can you even tell? A few red spots on the ground? We're talking about some Nigerian girls who are a bit spotty in their huts? The ones who haven't been abducted, raped and KILLED by Boko Haram? (Let's have our priorities here...Boko Haram isn't the enemy, MENSTRUATION is). 

Let's not be red-faced about this. It's obviously a SERIOUS issue if it makes a gay man of color dribble some fake blood out of his nose. If HE identifies with this incredibly important issue shouldn't we ALL? (No, no, don't give to medical research on Toxic Shock Syndrome, which involves the consequence of using a tampon...) 

Jeez. You thought "Red Nose Day" was a bit ridiculous? The idea with THAT, is to raise money "to end child poverty." You donate your money or...no, no, better than THAT, you wear a fucking RED NOSE on your stupid fucking face, to remind OTHER PEOPLE to DONATE MONEY. 


PS, if you haven't had a hit song in 40 years, try writing one about RED NOSE DAY. Still nobody paying attention? Try NATIONAL PERIOD DAY (and talk about a whiter shade of Kotex). 

I'll get to Dickie Goodman in a few paragraphs. Let's continue with what's REALLY important.  

No, I'm not talking about "INCONTINENT URUGUAYAN DAY" or "DRIPPY DINKA DAY." Some poor old peasant in South America or in Africa who has some kind of problem with the urinary tract or anus can just suffer. Life is TOUGH. I'm talking about...

NATIONAL PERIOD DAY, period! 

In olden times, you know what poor women did? They'd find an old sock with a hole in it, and put that up against the leaky hole. Then at the end of the day, they'd replace the sock, while putting the other in a basin to wash out and re-use. You don't expect poor women to do THAT anymore. 

You also have to understand what DIGNITY is about. MILLIONS of women who menstruate are starving, too. But if you ask them which they'd like better, a Tampon or a Breadstick, damned if they wouldn't say TAMPON. 

Remember when the Black athletes at the '68 Olympics raised their fists in the air over Civil Rights? Well, they were a selfish lot, weren't they? They should've raised their fists and had Tampon Strings dangling down, in support of poor females who don't have enough money for sanitary napkins (that's sanitary TOWELS if you're a British reader).  

That Colin Kaepernick guy? He should change his name to Colin Cop-a-napkin. Or Tampon Kaepernick. SOMETHING. Take a knee? How insensitive to the poor women of the world who can't take a squat without leaving behind a stain. Stephen Crane I think called it "The Red Batch of Porridge." Didn't he? He was thinking outside the box. Or about the box.

Some say we should alert people about gun control. How ridiculous. Make that: CUNT CONTROL. 

Some jerk with an AK-15 can shoot down 50 people in a disco or a mosque or a synagogue, and send blood spattering all over the place. We should be much more concerned with making sure some Tongan who can't even afford underpants has got a tampon and she's tidy. National Period Day trended on Twatter...er, TWITTER...so remember, that's a RED FLAG!

People who are worried about climate change, over-population, the spread of disease, rampant violence, religious fanatics killing people, wars breaking out all over the globe...need to bloody well think about TWAT instead. Some people protest that Texas leads the USA in executions? Forget Texas and think about Kotexes. You idiots who are concerned about free lunch for school children who are mal-nourished are really a bunch of selfish, heartless, brainless misogynists. SHAME!

Feel GUILTY. Realize that your day will be coming, when more women will be politicians, judges, lawyers and heads of charity organizations, and they will put vaginal politics FIRST, as it should be. It's the #meGOO movement in all its gory. Er, glory. 

Only a few men will get sexual with a woman who is going with the flow. Only Alice Cooper sang "Only Women Bleed." Men should funnel the money they were going to send to Farm Aid or The Humane Society or World Wildlife Foundation to Blot the Twats instead. Anyone who doesn't deserves a punch in the nose! 

It's understandable that the righteous Muslim woman in that "Period Movement" ad is feeling like a martyr. Help her before her next period, because she might get cranky and start making EVERYONE bleed. Remember that while the ice continues to melt at the North Pole, there's some needy girls dripping in Syria, Turkey, Nigeria, and thousands more in Brooklyn.  

And remember, white heterosexual males, this is YOUR fault. Don't blame God for inventing menstruation. Don't blame Allah either. Jesus would've created loaves to sop up the fishy cycle of clamato misery IF he hadn't been bloodied on the cross. And Moses was thinking, "You know, there's another Red Sea I should be dealing with..." 

Oh. Dickie Goodman. Well, after pretty much inventing the "break in" novelty record, he tried to diversify. When Allan Sherman scored a hit with "My Son the Folksinger" and the follow-ups 'My Son the Celebrity" and "My Son the Nut," Dickie self-pressed his own album of homely re-done folk songs and called it "My Son the Joke." To his credit, he chose to do mostly risque parodies, the kind of thing Allan Sherman could not have released on Warner Bros. "Harry's Jockstrap" (a variation on "Sarah Jackman") got quite a bit of radio play on Dr. Demento's show, but that was years and years after the original album was released, and probably after Dickie Goodman killed himself.

Stanley Ralph Ross,  calling himself merely "Stan Ross," also tried to cash in on Allan Sherman by releasing the refreshingly honest album: "My Son the Copycat." But this isn't National Stanley Ralph Ross Day, it's NATIONAL PERIOD DAY, and it's Dickie Goodman who gave us...RED RIVER SALLY. Listen to it five days a month. And remember, the money you were going to give to the Red Cross should go to a red crack.

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