Saturday, December 29, 2012


I posted G.E. Smith's amusingly bizarre "All The Nuns with Guns" back in 2006 and again in 2007, but as a recent comment on one of those pages put it…the song is more timely than ever. The image of nuns with guns…is something Wayne Lapierre of the NRA would approve of. Wayne, who makes about a million dollars a year as the spokesman for the gun lobby group, is furious at any idea of gun control. After all, that might shrink his salary to only $900,000. The 50 or more NRA employees also making 6 figure salaries might lose some blood money as well, and not be able to afford swimming pools or something. Companies such as Glock, might lose out on lucrative sales (one of the weapons owned by the psycho Lanza family in Connecticut was a neat-o $600 Glock).

LaPierre's solution is simple. Arm everybody. EVERYBODY buy guns! Most specifically, regarding the killing of 20 toddlers in Connecticut just a few weeks ago, have every teacher pack heat, and have an armed (but friendly) security guard on the premises. We know the latter can't possibly work. ONE security guard? Any scrawny loner could easily wander up to a guard with a concealed weapon, pick off that one defender of the entire school, and then storm on in with a backpack full of magazine clips to keep reloading that swell gun show item he bought (with no background check needed! Wheeee!)

So while gun control has momentarily become a hot-button issue, so much so that even adversaries such as Al Sharpton and Police Chief Kelly agree on it, we can be assured that the NRA still has enough power to block Senator Dianne Feinstein's proposals (which should be on the table, oh, in another month, or whenever the senate gets back from vacation). The NRA, after all, spent $10 million buying senators via campaign donations, and has brainwashed everyone into thinking that "if you take away our machine guns, next thing you know, we won't even be allowed a derringer." Nevermind that most everyone agrees that a house owner, in these days of home-invasions, has every right to have a handgun in the nightstand.

Mr. LaPierre, why stop at arming teachers, or have ONE measly guard in front of a school (a school that might have side doors, or vulnerable windows). School kids should pack heat, too. Guns should be given out when you enter a theater the same way they might hand you a booster seat or a hearing device or 3D glasses. Heckfire, if everybody in that Colorado movie house had guns, that jerky "Joker" guy would surely have been killed after he sprayed all those people with bullets, and only a few more die from "friendly" fire. Same thing with Loughner in Arizona…if everybody in the shopping mall was given a gun as soon as they parked their car, (along with coupons for a free 32 ounce soda at Pizza Hut when you buy $10 worth of pizza or something), then after that sudden eruption of gunfire, somebody would've taken out a piece, expertly shot Loughner through that scary skull of his, and again…maybe only killed a few others with shots that went astray.

Golly, if super market workers Cristina LobBrutto and Bryan Breen in New Jersey also had AK-47's by their side, they wouldn't have died at the hands of a deranged co-worker who suddenly appeared with an automatic rifle and wearing camouflage gear instead of a Pathmark t-shirt. And if police officers sometimes strike innocent people (like chasing down a killer near the Empire State Building earlier this year), don't expect gun totin' amateurs to do much better. But that's the price we must pay, right? The price being enriching gun manufacturers and Wayne LaPierre, who probably needs more than a million dollars a year to really, really have all the things in life he wants. Like a bigger car, more expert gay prostitutes (a supposition on my part), or a conscience (a fact, I believe).

G.E. Smith sings "Everybody got problems…everybody got somethin' inside of their hearts." So why not give 'em guns, to solve everything? Why not, indeed, replace rosaries with a gun clip.

Let's remember all the wise sayings of the gun nuts. If WE don't have guns, then only the outlaws will have guns. By that logic, heroin should be legal too, since junkies can get heroin even if it's illegal. And GUNS don't kill people, PEOPLE kill people…so, uh, well, hmm…kind of hard to tell when some crazy kid is going to erupt into violence, or some hillbilly in upstate New York who already killed his own grandmother will take out a bunch of firemen…oh well. Too bad the firemen weren't also packing heat instead of trying to put out the fire that maniac started. The ones who weren't instantly mowed down by sniper fire just might've shot back. And don't say "this brings us back to the days of the Wild West," because, and this is a fact, many towns had gun control and demanded that strangers leave their weapons with the sheriff.

G.E. Smith's song (you can faintly hear Paul Simon harmonizing on the chorus) may be prophetic, in talking about a time in the future when "all the nuns with guns" make every boy a better boy…by teaching him how to shoot. Maybe shoot all non-believers. Maybe shoot his parents. Maybe go back and shoot up a kindergarten class for some reason or other. "I'm never safe and little anymore," sings Mr. Smith. But thank God...there's "bullets for the holy war."

The important thing to remember is that money makes the world go round, and nothing else. So there will always be a good excuse for the NRA, for the oil companies, or for copyright-raping Google, or for millionaires like the Pirate Bay bunch or Kim Dotcom, to make a profit at the expense of somebody else's rights…whether it's the right to be creative, the right to control who uses your writing or photography, the right to clean air, the right to a livable climate, or the right to go to school and come back alive.

The NRA is the American Way...they don't believe in the gun control laws that have made Australia safer (following a 1996 mass killing), and certainly don't believe in Canada's safety policies, which include background checks. It's easier to buy a gun in America than it is to get a cat from the ASPCA (they do a background check and ask for letters of recommendation) or to get a car (one must, after all, have a driver's license which in turn requires taking safety courses).

Wayne LaPierre, a believer in buying more guns, having more weapons in the hands of more people, has foresight, right? He's a great American like William McKinley, John F. Kennedy, John Garfield and Abe Lincoln. And all four of those Presidents would have served out their terms if only, if ONLY they were packing heat or had armed guards around them. Right?

Enjoy the odd and catchy "All The Nuns with Guns," from the very obscure solo album by the legendary (one time leader of the Saturday Night Live band) G.E. Smith. Thanks, George.

Let's Arm These Ladies! And their students! ALL THE NUNS With GUNS!

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