Tuesday, January 29, 2013

ILL-ustrated Songs # 21 : PUKIN' MY HEART OUT OVER YOU - The Funny Boners

The great unwashed love to watch Springsteen swapping spit with his doo-rag wearing Corporal Klinger-nosed little shower buddy Stevie. Brooose fans, almost all of them male, thrill to the homo-erotic way Brooose holds his guitar up in front of another guitar hero in his band in a "you show me yours, and I'll show you mine" pose. They roar as he snarls hungrily into his microphone, like he's going to start going down on it, while singing anthems about smelly highways in New Fucking Jersey. These dopey Snooki-slobs love Broose's tuuuunes because each ditty sounds so much alike that even cretins who can't memorize more than one song can sing along anyway. What was that great one about getting diarrhea from a Newark Applebees, or a Rahway Burger King? Oh, yeah, "Born to Run." So here's to Puke Springsteen! Is this Photoshop job that far from the truuuuth?

Some bogs and low-rents…uh, blogs and torrents… actually post every monotonous album by The Boss, (not to mention Kid Rock or Ted Nugent or Bon Jovi and other arena retards). Sick puppies lap it up like it was their own turds with some undigested crunchy bits to re-chew. They bark out happy squeaks of "Thanks, Dude," or actually, "Thanks, Doody," because they love this shit so much.

In this ill corner of the Net, let's say that one stupid novelty single can often be more memorable, and even more artistic, than an entire discography of some tedious Top Ten hit-maker. No wonder that one stupid novelty single might fetch $20 or $50 on eBay while nobody's buuuying Bruuuuse's old Columbia albums for a dollar. An entire discography of other arena rock retards or flavors-of-the-day (like Duran Duran) remains unsold for a fiver. Every thrift shop and boot sale has a crate of Phil Collins stuff nobody wants. But...how many times are you gonna come across The Funny Boners?

So here's The Funny Boners, doing "Pukin' My Heart Out Over You." Like quite a few other stupid novelties you could name ("Who Let the Dogs Out," "I'm Henry the Eighth I Am" or "Someone Like You" by Adele) it's catchy. Like a cold. And you might have trouble getting it out of your head for a while. As opposed to that discography of Status Quo, which you can't get out of your basement because the garbageman won't touch it.

Yeah, it's the flip-side over here. There are "Dedicated Followers of Fashion," and curmudgeons sneering, "I'm Not Like Everybody Else." Neither side is exactly right, but a single isn't wasting as much of your time.

And so we pluck a stupid obscure black 45 rpm disc from the dark shelf, let it glint on the turntable for a few minutes, send it hurtling to a cloud (with more than a "this did not chart" sentence for it and a photo of the label) and appreciate that somebody took some time to try something that just might keep people from being sullen for a while. Which is about all that can be said for the one-shot dickheads called The Funny Boners. After all, all they are doing here is a kind of low-class version of a Phil Harris drawl-narration. If they wrote something really awful, 50,000 people might've been holding up Zippo lighters in front of them, like they do for a millionaire posturing in a workshirt and jeans costume and singing about how times are tough (to people who pay $1500 to a scalper for front row seats to hear him). Sample boners about life with a trailer trash bitch:

"I bought you a vacuum cleaner so it makes me all the meaner when I see the pile of dirt upon the floor. And inside the bedroom closet is a sixteen ton deposit of that dirty smelly underwear you wore. So I'm pukin' my heart out over you…"

Can you believe it, it was over a year ago, February 19, 2011 that the previous "Ill-ustrated song" turned up ("From the Indies to the Andies in his Undies" featuring Mr. Bean). Hopefully there will be more nauseating illustrated songs coming up in the future…

This Download might come back up…. PUKIN' MY HEART OUT OVER YOU

Listen on line or download it. Download it without wait time, garish photos promoting bogus dating services, idiot anime to bring you to a spyware site, and no Paypal banner asking for donations, nor any button to swindle you into getting a 'premium account' so some fat-cat cynical businessman can stay rich while artists and real music lovers stay poor.

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