Monday, August 19, 2013


Merv Griffin pressed a private, rude little ditty about the doldrums of the music biz. It was full of inside references (to music publishers mostly) and even included a "bad" word. Briefly quoting….

"They're not writing the songs as good this year. Ain't got a hit. Whether Robbins or Chappell or Larry Spier. Ain't got a hit…and the Big Brains of A&R just wait and sit, so mad they could spit…They're under an awful spell. The Brill Building's starting to smell. It's not legit. Nothing but shit. Ain't got a hit."

What would Merv make of the situation today? Shit-singers like Lady Gaga and Katy Perry are putting out forgettable singles...and bitching because they "leaked" on the Internet and (they're shocked, SHOCKED) the rich bitches aren't getting every dime coming to them.

When was the last time you sang along to a new single on the radio? Was it when CeeLo sang FUCK YOU? Maybe you were walking in the rain and chimed in with Rihanna and sang "ella...ella...ella." Or maybe the last song you think you can sing along to actually is one by Ella Fitzgerald?? That would be Merv, maybe. (We give you a can say The Beatles.) OK, we all know the chorus to an Amy Winehouse song. Don't we? NO NO NO!

The current paradigm, which is part of both the songwriter and the listener's current threnody, or jeremiad, is, to put it plainly...SHIT.

Merv thought it was bad in the days of 45's? In the mp3 era, the songs aren't worth hearing (Jake Bugg is supposed to be the next Dylan) and for most tasteless morons out there...the songs that they DO listen to...they don't wanna pay for!

"AIN'T GOT A HIT" is the truth. First, because we've heard the best in every genre, and the latest rock, disco, rap or pop song is the same-old-song. Second, piracy. Who buys when they can, uh, SHARE? And third, and also important, is that music is no longer that important in our lives. We get so much free entertainment, we don't need to sit on the floor staring at a 45 rpm on the turntable, and don't even have the time or interest in following along with the lyrics while listening to a 33 1/3 with headphones on. has NO VALUE ANYMORE.

"NO VALUE ANYMORE" meaning, an mp3 file is a blip. It's nothing. And people are happy about it. They'd rather store a zillion songs on a brick-sized external hard drive than have a proud set of shelves full of rare vinyl and great CD's. Eh. Meh. Foo. Ugh. Who wants that JUNK taking up space?? Proof that it's junk...most of it goes cheap at a thrift shop. Most of it goes untouched by anyone except some senile "collector" who goes to boot sales because his dick's no longer working.

Some years ago, a thriving website was run by IPODMEISTER. What a deal...CD's were valuable! If you got a whole lot of 'em as gifts, had some duplicates, got tired of could put them in a PRE-PAID box, and IPODMEISTER would trade you for, yes, an IPOD. Or an external drive. The irony of this, is that they were offering you the new technology that would kill their own business and help trivialize the world of music.

Some thought IPODMEISTER was some Internet rip-off. No. It was the real deal. Nice people. Fast service. You had extra CDs and didn't feel like being an eBay seller, use IPODMEISTER. Maybe you were at a church fund-raiser where they had some boxes of donated CDs they were selling so cheap you could do very well buying 'em all and doing an IPODMEISTER trade-in. That was then. NOT NOW!

Check the illustration for this entry.It's pretty insane the number of CDs you must trade in NOW to get an iPod or iPad. The amount you must send has not only doubled, you also have to send REALLY GOOD stuff because everybody already has Phil Collins, Billy Joel, and old Blink and N Sync. IPODMEISTER used to give good trade value on any CD but NOT NOW. Not when Amazon and eBay sellers can't move most of 'em for a dollar.

You'll need to box up 300 very good (Beatles, Sony Classical, the latest Bumford and Sons) CDs to get an iPod Nano. Actually, you better box up 400, because the folks at IPODMEISTER may disallow a lot of what you give them. THey check the bar codes on CDs against Amazon/Ebay prices and spot the moment the new Dylan is the old Dylan and everybody who was gonna buy it at Starbucks did so.

IPODMEISTER has expanded their gift ideas. You can help trivialize and destroy the book industry with Bozo Bezos of Amazon's beloved Kindle...or maybe a Nook from the failing Barnes & Noble chain who still try and sell real books to real people. For an iPad, all you have to do is collect over a THOUSAND CDs (or DVDs…another endangered species)

At this point you're thinking, "why don't I just throw the fucking CD's out…after digitizing them on my computer." IPODMEISTER has an alternative; their sister company CDSWEEP. CDSWEEP will send you a free Fedex mailing label so you can slap it on a box and send them your unwanted music. They in turn, sell it (to third-world countries that still have people who have boom boxes and CD players) and you'll get a tax donation. CDSWEEP is a charity involving autism.

The bottom line is that the music business will remain shit, and the proof is the Billboard Top 10 for the past few years...full of forgotten junk that you could barely sing along to if you had a karaoke machine and the lyrics a foot high on a screen. These songs "ain't hits" and only sell to stupid rappers, rednecks or teenage twits.

It seems quaint that Merv Griffin sang about a lack of interesting music in the early 50's. That changed as people discovered new types of music...R&B, doo-wop, rock and roll, ROCK, progressive rock...and there was still a market for people to buy classical, country and movie soundtracks, too. Jeez, remember buying a novelty 45 and slapping it on the turntable and having a laugh? Well worth the dollar, that tune. Now? When was the last time you heard a funny song? Not funny! You don't get a lot of laughs trawling Spotify. And forget grimacing Kanye. He is SHIT.

Sing it Merv…

Merv Griffin says SHIT! because the radio Ain't Got a Hit

1 comment:

Timmy said...

Priceless! > THANX