Monday, December 09, 2019

DUMB BLONDES DEAD OR ALIVE - Nina Gordon “NOW I CAN DIE”


Skipping a generation from Michelle Kepler, here’s Nina Rachel Gordon Shapiro (November 14, 1967)  who was toddling at the same time another Jewish blonde with an adorable dumb streak, Goldie Hawn, was becoming a star on “Laugh-In.” Nina got her first taste of fame in 1992, long after “Shell and the Crush” was (minor) history, and after Julie Brown’s parody song “‘Cause I’m a Blonde” and Ellen Foley’s cover of “Stupid Girl.” 

Nina and a friend put together Veruca Salt, an alt-rock band that got some buzz with Nina’s self-penned single “Seether.” Six years later, the band split up, and in 2000, Nina released her first solo album. 

Unlike Cyndi Lauper, who splashed with an effervescent novelty single before drowning in the soda-gone-flat ballad ’True Colors,” Nina did the reverse. Her first single was a ballad, the smoothly over-produced “"Tonight and the Rest of My Life.” Demonstrating a restraint Whitney Houston would never know, Nina tempered the car-alarm ah-ee-ah, and made some serious cash when the song turned up on soundtracks of femme-favorite films “The Notebook” and “Chocolat.” 

Everyone knows, if you don’t follow up your hit with another hit, you’re suddenly a has-been. Nina’s choice for her next single was the brilliantly stupid “Now I Can Die.” In the video, she starts out ON HER KNEES in front of our (unseen, male P.O.V. like porn) hero. She spends the rest of the vid grinning like an imbecile, pulling her pants back on, and wandering around caca-California like the ultimate girly-girl on a sugar high.  



Unlike brunettes or redheads, the allure of the blonde is almost always tied to her gullibility. If she isn’t a total idiot, she’s easily duped. Think about Marilyn Monroe not realizing Tony Curtis was a man in drag. Jayne Mansfield was even more of a boob. Following in the tradition, and singing this song as if she actually meant it and it’s not a parody, Nina raves about a rich crossdresser who is so cool he has his own ringtone on his phone. This is impressive? To a blonde, yes.

For being with this guy for probably no longer than a hamster's lifespan, she's raving about knowing the meaning of life...and being ready to DIE.  How…dumb…IS SHE?

Let’s just say that Elvis Costello probably was not talking about a blonde when he penned the immortal couplet: “"I said I'm so happy that I could die / She said drop dead and left with another guy.”  Here, not thinking this cad would probably be leaving her for next year's model, Nina confides:

He takes me everywhere
He goes and he goes everywhere
He likes to try on all my clothes
But not my underwear….
He gives me everything
He's got and he's got everything
He calls me on the phone a lot
He's got a special ring


As another stung man, Joe Jackson once sang, “Is she really going out with HIM? But that’s the dumb blonde for you. 

While misshapen fools like Elvis Costello and Joe Jackson are heartbroken, the dumb blonde goes out with some total asshole because he’s rich, because he’s one I.Q. point higher than the chick, or for other pointless and superficial reasons like having a cool car, enjoying travel, or showing a bogus “feminine side.” Whatever. Lah dee dah.  

Nina, who was as old as Jesus when this song came out (33) sings it like a moonstruck 17 year-old. (Oh, make it 18. We have to be PC here.) Burbling like she's totally gaga, she chirps:  

Yeah he really loves me
Sweethearts and turtledoves me


Turtledoves? In the 21st century? It gets sillier. Her ultimate epiphany: “I am the girl. And he is the guy.”  

That’s right, all you women of the 70’s and 80’s who fought for equality. At the start of the 21st century, chicks are proving Darwin was wrong. Our Nina ain’t a MS, and she’s not in misery; she’s happy to be the GIRL. That’s another aspect we love about dumb blondes (or any stupid girl); the willingness to NOT be a woman, but to remain a GIRL.

You might remember the dumb blonde in the musical version of “Little Shop of Horrors.” Unlike the charming brunette in the original film, the dumb blonde gets repeatedly slapped and abused by her sadistic dentist-boyfriend. “I’m sorry doctor, sorry doctor, sorry doctor- OWWWW!” Nina isn’t quite so dumb, but her idea of a catch is a guy who simply isn't overtly misogynistic toward her:

And he never hates me
Just wants to levitate me


Gosh, who wouldn't love a guy who doesn't openly hate you? Low self-esteem, anyone?

Just how this guy “levitates” Nina, we aren’t told, but who knows, he might like to take her on roller coaster rides. He might buy her platform shoes. He might allow her to get on top which she thinks is a sign of letting her have control but HE knows is just a ploy so he doesn’t have to do any work.

The kicker for this fantastic song (I know I'm giving it a LOT of space here!) is Nina’s naive notion that this asshole is the be-all and end-all. He’s shown her is special ring phone, he’s worn her clothes, he’s shown off his fancy car:

He opened up my eyes
I understand everything
And now I can die


Now it’s time for her to get serious and confidential. Seriously. S’riously. Rilly. She actually punctuates her nitwicity with a hooting owlet cry of “WOOOO." Um, like, she just said she's ready to die but, er, uh...

I'm not trying to say
That I don't want to live
'cause I do...
But if tomorrow my number should be called
I won't be sad
I won't feel bad at all
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

    

This song would not be nearly so entertaining if Nina wasn't being so gum-chewing chick-let sincere. There was a vague element of humor in Cyndi's idiot "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun," (especially when you know the song was written by a man), but THIS thing is intended to appeal to POV-loving porn-loving males fantasizing about a JAP that Frank Zappa would've liked to screw. It was also supposed to be a chatty Cathy confession to pillow-fighting bubble-headed school girls of every possible hair color. WOOOOOO!

This song never fails to make me smile when I play it. I even got a smile off the name of her publishing company: Celestial Snail.  Is that a chick or what? She names her publishing company after one of the lowliest forms of life, but one that somehow (with the right GUY snail) can be CELESTIAL. Ever know a hippie chick who couldn’t complete a sentence without the word “cosmic” being in it? Things haven’t changed. Not really. Only the slang. Ahhh, celestial! How awesome!

While “Tonight and the Rest of My Life” was a modest hit and got picked up for inclusion in sappy movies, Nina’s album didn’t reach the all-important Billboard Top 100. It ONLY sold about a quarter million copies, which had Warner Bros. feeling edgy about how edgy or how soft and squishy she was. She kept busy with club dates and songwriting, but the follow-up album got delayed for one reason or another, and the YEARS went by. A YEAR in the record business is more like a DECADE. You can imagine how many record producers were hired and fired, and how many radio stations and record stores closed up in the time between her 2000 album and her 2006 follow-up, “Bleeding Heart Graffiti.”

It’s possible some might rue the reverse-Lauper strategy of having a morose romantic hit song and THEN coming up with a teenage party tune, but in THIS ill world, we salute her for following her instincts, and essentially putting out a second tune, rolling the dice, and realizing, “and now my career can die.” PS, she’s still married to the same guy for quite a long time now, and surely, he gives her everything.

You know the websites where you can transform a YouTube video's soundtrack into an mp3 file, so I haven't done it for you. (Call me Grinch.)

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