Consolation Prizes: Gruesome and Sad Jesus Songs by Jimmie Davis

The great Jimmie Davis has already been profiled on the blog. Twice. So third time's a charming finale, adding a few more numbers from his album "Songs of Consolation."

Back in 2008, I posted "The Three Nails," a pathetique about the shopkeeper who accidentally sold three rusty nails to a big mean Roman soldier (who wasn't Jewish in the least). With that entry, I mentioned that Davis grew up poor ("The first Christmas present I ever got was a dried hog's bladder…"). He got signed to Victor Records in 1928 (for such peculiar items as "Tom Cat and Pussy Blues"). By 1934, and on Decca, he became known for country tunes. In 1940 he had his biggest hit with "You are My Sunshine." He was eventually elected governor of Louisiana, and uniquely managed to serve his constituents while amusing the entire country with more country-charting songs!

In 1960, he pledged to continue his policies on segregation, much to the delight of his gubernatorial colleague, George Wallace. But by the time he recorded "Songs of Consolation" in 1970, Jimmie was born again on the subject of the Negro (who had now been upscaled to "black"). Jimmie lived to be 101…and some of his songs remain timeless. Meaning, few have the time to listen.

But on this blog, there's always time for a pungent Jesus song. In 2009 I posted "I'd Hate to be the Man Who Put the Nails in Jesus' Hands."

And now, a trinity. Some wags might call it an unholy three, but believing in Jesus ain't no sin, and loving country music and Jimmie Davis tain't neither. Bandwidth prohibits indulging in any further tribute, but do enjoy, in a seamless download, three songs produced by the legendary Owen Bradley and sung by the former Governor of the Great State of Louisiana:

"Shake the Nail-Scarred Hands of Jesus," "I've Been Born Again" and "Going Home."

JIMMIE DAVIS THREE SONGS

Turn On to Jesus is Coming - City Boy and Andy Pratt

On casual listen, the lyrics for "Turn On to Jesus" by City Boy are oddly ungodly. On the wrong side of the border, a city boy finds a house full of "ladies of the night." But what thrills are they into? One of them cries out, "HEY MAN! Turn on to JESUS!"

The inspiration? Lol Mason and Steve Broughton, the band's lead vocalists, were touring America and got stuck right in the middle of the country. Broughton:

"Lol and I spent time in a dry area of Kansas. There’s no bars, the only place you can get a drink is one of these ‘religious’ clubs, with topless waitresses with dollar bills stuffed in their G-strings, and out of the jukebox is blaring this ‘Jesus is the Saviour’-music. It was bizarre – I mean, that kind of thing just doesn’t happen in Birmingham."

Birmingham, England, not Alabama.

"Turn On to Jesus" was offed by the band's record label, over worries that the song could be interpreted as profane. New lyrics were written. The result was "5-7-0-5," the band's only hit single. God moves in mysterious ways.

In another twist, the lead vocal was not from Lol or Steve, but Roy Ward, who had been brought in by the band's producer Mutt Lange (yes, of later Shania Twain infamy) who wanted a better drummer and perhaps a new sound as well, since the band's harmonizing had been accused of sounding too much like 10CC or Queen.

In the spirit of Christian charity, you can also get an American Jesus song via the download links below.

It's a very strange number from the very strange Andy Pratt. This sensitive soul had a surprise hit with a falsetto sex-change on a Woody Guthrie melody about Pretty Boy Floyd. The song became "Avenging Annie," about a feminist who fucks with guys in apparently every way possible. In the original uncensored version (which was on one side of a Columbia promo featuring Springsteen and "Blinded by the Light" on the other):

"I spend my whole life telling lies, lead you on and fuck you over good. I'll take all you spoiled young hippies running around playing games...I'll blow your head. I'll put you through a change. What you've done to others — I'll do unto you!"

However...after finishing with her work: "I might go back to my Floyd, if I think it's the thing to do. He gave up murder and theft right after I left, and you know I still love him too. Just like your woman loves you. Just like your woman loves you."

That last line is repeated often enough to provoke some uncomfortable paranoia. Is your woman true to you? Or is she just fucking with you like Avenging Annie?

That element of the optimistic and the ominous is very strong in "Jesus is Coming." It's one of the few songs I can think of that is both inspiring and creepy; "Jesus is coming" is sung as both a comfort and a threat. At least, that's my take, and I'm sure I'm wrong. Pratt's catalog is loaded with Jesus references and I doubt any of them are intended as anything but pure tribute. Still, this is one odd minor-key tribute. Closer...and closer...JESUS IS COMING...

City Boy TURN ON TO JESUS

Andy Pratt JESUS IS COMING

Easter with SMILIN' ED MCCONNELL (not Froggy the Gremlin)

When you're lost in the rain, or just stuck in a frog pond, and it's Easter time, too...

You might need to get out your Smilin' Ed McConnell hymn book and pray...

OR...now you can just flip around on your handheld device, and draw some comfort in a pair of tunes from the old smiler, courtesy of the download below.

Religion, like a rifle, can be very useful. Too bad that religion, like a rifle, can be abused, specially by fanatics shooting their mouths off about who is a heathen and who should be blown up in a holy war. But...at this time of year, let's be optimistic and hope that soothing traditions and words of peace don't get as stale as your marshmallow peeps do within a week.

Yeah, brothers and sisters...I believe. I believe! "I Believe" the song as sung by Frankie Laine is damn - er, DARN good. I believe that Turley Richards' "I Heard the Voice of Jesus," is one of the greatest vocal performances of all time. I believe that there is great comfort to be found in hearing "Kol Nidre" or "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen." I believe that even a non-believer can find courage, strength or inspiration from religious music. Bob Dylan, Paul Simon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Johnny Cash, have written or sung some grand songs that reference God, the Bible, Mother Mary and churches as a place of sanctuary and good will.

Smilin' Ed McConnell…like sinner/singer Johnny Cash, was a guy with two very odd sides to his personality. He wrote and sang gospel music, but his enduring creation is "Froggy the Gremlin," a cheerful little devil. Froggy, precursor to Topo Gigio as a bizarrely manipulated puppet, mocked any figure in authority, and he specialized in hypnotic suggestion. He probably would've enjoyed waterboarding, he would he would. He was always influencing adults to do stupid things against their will, and end up throwing childish tantrums in front of him. This was a pretty bizarre concept for kids to follow on radio and TV. (When the Smiler passed on, Andy Devine took over the TV show as host).

Froggy grinned and destroyed all instructors and teachers, and literally drove them to tears. Guest: "To bake a cake, you first take the flour…" Froggy: "And dump it on your head." Guest: "And dump it on your head, like so…NO! NO! Look what you made me do!" A 30 second little sample on You Tube: Gremlin kinescope link . The Smiler and his weird rubber gremlin remain cult heroes to this day, and an entire graphic novel was written about them: "The Search for Smilin' Ed" by underground comics legend Kim Deitch. Kim discusses Ed and Froggy and his new book. YouTube link.

Smilin' Ed made a few 78's, some were novelties with Froggy the Gremlin, or pleasant kiddie fodder, and an early one had him in black dialect as a comical preacher. Some of his recordings were religious. McConnell hosted many religious programs on radio, some local some syndicated. One was called "Hymn Time." For a while he had a five minute series sponsored by Aladdin (a company that, yes, made lamps). The format was: a commercial, a non-sectarian song, and a closing hymn. That's what you get below, sans commercials. Ed sings "Wishing Will Make it So," and then his own composition loaded with Bible references, which may have been called "A Radio Station in Heaven" or "My Mother's Prayer." He doesn't seem to have recorded it for any label, and it's not in McConnell's "New Radio Hymn Book," (I don't have the original 1933 "Radio Hymn Book" - it might be in that one)

Call it an Easter offering. Or, pass over it….

SMILIN' ED ALADDIN GOSPEL SONGS

GOOD KING WENCESLAS! + Jane Seymour & Worst Xmas Tunes

Sapristi!

How are you holding up?

Muttering, are you, about Christmas hype and all the greed, hypocrites, brainwashing, religious fanaticism and "jolly Saint Nick" bullshit? Has the season made you more painfully cynical about there ever being "peace on earth?"

Music makes it worse: you're assaulted by commercials re-writing "Jingle Bells" and "Deck the Halls" to sell everything from toilet paper to the Daily Mail. Narcolepsy-inducing soft Christmas ballads alternate with brain-exploding novelty numbers to keep you permanently in a bad mood.

The number of rotten Christmas songs outnumber the tolerable by 15 to 1. One good one, like "Good King Wenceslas," is easily dwarfed by 15 horrible ones:

1. Jingle Bells. STUFF THEM UP YOUR ASS. The most over-used and irritatingly cheerful holiday song of all.

2. All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth. Sing it again, brat, and you'll need dentures. (Runner-up "Nuttin' Fer Christmas")

3. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. Insincere, obnoxious, condescending, and as icky as figgy pudding.

4. We Wish You A Merry Christmas. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

5. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. DIE. And take "Frosty the Snowman" with you.

6. Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer. It wasn't even funny the first time.

7. Here Comes Santa Claus. The aural equivalent to bukkake.

8. Santa Claus is Coming to Town. It makes me re-think my opposition to someone owning an AK-47. GET HIM!

9. Sleigh-Ride. Close to "Jingle Bells" as one of the most irritating melodies ever written. It's always sung breathlessly: "it's-lovely-weather-for-a-sleigh-ride-together..." Makes you think "slay." Ring-ting-alingly terrible.

10. White Christmas. FUCK YOU, BING. And everyone else who sings this, except a black vocalist, because that makes it funny.

11. Feliz Navidad (lo siento, pero chinga tu madre).

12. 12 Days of Christmas - just sadistic and monotonous. And please, to all reporters who think it's clever to write up "how much these gifts would cost," please STOP. Nobody's actually going to buy geese a'laying or hire pipers to pipe...so just go on a 12 day drunk and lie in the gutter till Christmas blows over.

13. Deck the Halls - used in too many radio and TV commercials. Go "Fa-la-la yourself."

14. Let It Snow - redundant lyrics, preeningly sung. It also has crappy rhymes that are "frightful" not "Delightful"

15. The Little Drummer Boy. (bang, POW, to the MOON, you little shit.)

Another 50 aggravating Christmas tunes could be listed here.

On the other side? "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen," "Joy to the World," "Hark the Herald Angels Sing," and "Silent Night." Despite it's rude title, "Come All Ye Faithful" is a good one as well.

So why choose "Good King Wenceslas?" Because, like "Jerusalem," it was a song I heard all my life and never really paid much attention to. Unlike "Jerusalem," when I finally did sit down and try and make sense of the lyrics…I found that they were good. To put it simply, Good King Wenceslas was good! The guy was not only concerned with the poor, he even made sure his "noble page" didn't do all the work for him! The King was a true leader, walking in the snow, clearing a path for his page to follow. Damn nice, this Senor Wences. Dee-feecult for most leaders, but easy for him! Cut him an extra order of slaw.

Below?

A HALF-DOZEN versions of GOOD KING WENCESLAS, covering a wide range of styles…from traditional folk (Irish Rovers), to faux-Beatles, to Stan Kenton, The Muppet Brass, and the traditional Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Oh yes, and the lovely Ms. McKennitt.

And now a word about the lovely Jane Seymour, who is half-Jewish (on her father's side). Her book "Good King Wenceslas" (with illustrations by Omar Rayyan) gives you an annotated version of the story, and she reads the lyrics on the bonus DVD which includes the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. When I met Jane some months ago, I assumed she was promoting an autobiography, or maybe a new film. I was surprised and delighted that she, like me, was a fan of The 'Slas. I mentioned that I had collected about 30 versions of the song, and would send her a CD of the mp3 files. She signed a promo poster of the book cover for me, in gold ink.

At its best, a Christmas song can reinforce the spirit of caring…and of real sharing. Sadly, if the Good King was around today, his website would be hacked, anarchists and religious fanatics would be plotting his assassination, and a paparazzi camera would be hidden hoping to get a nude picture of the Queen. He'd probably be shocked to find out there are "Christian" bloggers who routinely give away dozens and dozens of in-print and easily buyable Christmas albums. He'd wonder how "Christians" could be Scrooges who coldly steal Christmas music and don't care how miserable the holiday is for thousands of people formerly in the music biz and now out of work, and thousands more having to take low-wage jobs they hate because "music must be free" assholes took away the work they loved.

Jane Seymour's combo book/DVD would make a nice gift; it's beautiful, with great illustrations, and that beats a cold Kindle any day. The six downloads of the song should help you get to know The King, and are brought to you by a blogger who, as December 25th approaches, identifies more and more as neither Christian or Jew, but 100% tree-loving Druid. In other words, don't go hacking a living pine or fir in the forest, you stupid prick. I'm axing you nicely!

Six Versions of GOOD KING WENCESLAS, from traditional to a nice faux-Beatles rendition

EASTER: WHAT A FRIEND WE HAVE IN JESUS - Tony the Tiger

Easter is April 8th (good Friday, April 6th). Start making your preparations now!

First, all you nice anti-abortion Christians, stock up on eggs to boil.

Next, be a Good Christian and do more kind things to animals, like buying bunnies and chicks from a pet store that deals with puppy mills, psychotic cat breeders and semi-legal parrot and exotic lizard sellers. Not to mention the parakeets and canaries that will spend their lives caged up like Manson just because it's amusing to see them hobble from one end of a perch to the other and do a lot of tweeting (which, come to think of it, is what people on Twitter do).

Most important: FOOD. Stock up especially on egg-shaped tooth-rotting candy. Get the hollow-chocolate replicas of rabbits made with such inferior ingredients that even after Easter, at half price, stores make a huge profit. In a more perfect world, the symbol of Easter would be the platypus, the only mammal that actually lays eggs. Fortunately the near-sighted hear-sayers who wrote the Jesus story generations after it happened, never heard of the platypus so they stuck to the tale of God immaculately fucking a married Jewish woman, and somehow after Christ died, bunny rabbits became part of the myth, too.

Lastly, Easter is not a time to stay indoors and quietly celebrate your inane beliefs (beliefs = unproven fantasy). Go outside in new, fancy clothes. Ladies vanity is always good for big sales and the big ticket item is still: HATS!

Yes among the backward and brainless, the "Easter Bonnet" is still a tradition, in both tourist traps, and all the hideous towns tourists avoid but the locals make up for by standing around a lot and coveting thy neighbor's wife and hat.

Easter is also the time of year when Jews say, "When's Passover?" And when Muslims say "When do our suicide bombers blow up the world so we can really start enjoying life?" Well, there are always killjoys on the other side of the fence, unhappy about eating flat, stale bread or having to have sex with flat, stale women who don't like the scent of camel.

Now, our song. And remember, it's "What A Friend We Have in Jesus," not "What an Imaginary Friend We Have in Jesus," because Mr. Christian has never let you down, has he? Prove that he has. If you asked for something and didn't get it, maybe you didn't deserve it. (Hmmm…if you actually believed THAT, you'd be a Jew!)

Thurl Ravenscroft was the eccentric voice-over star who sang "You're a Mean One Mr. Gingrich," a ton of other basso-voiced novelty tunes, "Teen-age Brain Surgeon" for Spike Jones, and somber religious music as well. He made most of his money as the commercial voice for the Frosted Flakes cereal-killer "Tony the Tiger," that lithe meat-eater of the jungle who somehow wore a red kerchief around his neck (the kind dopey dog owners love to put on German Shepherds) and believed that urban children thrive on a diet that's 90% sugar and 10% heavily processed and nutrition-neutered wheat flour.

And here we have the instantly recognizable "Tony the Tiger" discussing the truly horrible origin for the lyrics to "What A Friend We Have in Jesus." This less-than-uplifting saga (well, Christian martyrdom always trumped even the Jews' sense of suffering being a good thing) leads to the actual song, which is thoroughly rendered with Thurl's assured, sober sense of belief that it might bring peace to almost anyone at Easter time. Except the Easter chick that just keeled over with some disease or other, the bunny that was accidentally stepped on, and anyone wiped out by some Easter act of terror perpetrated by those who have "hijacked a fine religion" (other than Christianity) to make a point about the chances of peace in our time.

Lost in the rain in Juarez this time of year?
What a FRIEND We Have in JESUS and TONY the TIGER Instant download or listen on line. No immoral wait time or ungodly demands that you buy a premium account so that a crooked uploader or slimeball dotcom millionaire file-locker owner can profit from what they stole.

VALENTINE SMITH - "Disappointing Mary"

With Easter and the resurrection still fresh in some folks' minds, why not listen to "Disappointing Mary." It could be about the Virgin Mary, who would be quite disappointed with the Easter egg games, Papal excuses for pedophile priests, idiots seeing Jesus on pieces of toast sold on eBay and the rest of the antics that have so little to do with the teachings of Christ.

Atheists would tell you that Mother Mary is not disappointed at all, because either she never existed, or she's been dead 2,000 years. A good argument for the latter, is that there are so many pious hillbillies and hazy-brained rebels around who commit heinous acts all week long, and think they're forgiven because they clean up nice and white for Sunday services where they sing their favorite shitty gospel songs and toss some change into a basket for the most moronic bribe this side of Sharebee downloads for nice comments. If Mary or Jesus or God existed, wouldn't Rush Limbaugh be dead? Dead from having Sarah Palin's head slammed up his bowels like a bowling ball?

Assuming Mother Mary is just, unlike Joan of Arc, able to tolerate atrocities with a kind of slow burn, she still has every reason to be disappointed by the shabby way her nice Jewish boy Jesus was treated and still IS being treated. She's probably a bit confused by all the bloggers who spend December stealing hundreds of whole albums of in-print Christmas music rather than doing unto artists and store owners the right thing and buying the products. Mother Mary may also be sick and tired of McCartney's song, since "Let it Be" is only a mother's advice about not picking at a pimple.

Then again, Valentine Smith may be referring to some average chick named Mary, and throwing in religious imagery to be poetic. You could ask them, but artists rarely explain their work, and these guys disbanded ten years ago.

Valentine Smith was founded by the songwriting team of Bill McGarvey and Stephen Dima and included bassist Brad Finkel and at various times drummers Wilbur Jones and Joey Cassata, and violinists Lorenza Ponce, Helen Hooke and Kimberly Nordling. They issued three albums between 1994 and 2000. Billboard called the group "magical," and, rare for indie artists at the time, the mag put the Smiths' first single "Katie's a No-Show" on their "Best of" the year list. The Washington Post, hepsters to the maxi-pad, praised the band as "purveyors of…addictive pieces of jangle candy." Well, Gabba gabba hey!

The group opened for The Wallflowers and NRBQ as well as The Lemonheads and Joan Osborne. Back then, the idea was to tour and get support for album sales. Today, the idea is for starry-eyed indie bands to give away the albums and hope to make money from live shows. Disappointing strategies, both ways.

Since 2000, the band's leader Bill McGarvey has issued just as many CDs solo as he did with Valentine Smith. Three. They are "Tell Your Mother," "Beautiful Mess" and "Plaid as Hell."

"Disappointing Mary" is on an out of print Valentine Smith CD called "Back to Earth." It's easy to find used, and individual tracks are available via iTunes and other download services. The royalties the band gets might actually pay for an eBay win on the image of Jesus discovered on a piece of used toilet tissue. Holy shit!

DISAPPOINTING MARY No pop-ups, porn ads or wait time.

JIMMIE DAVIS The Man Who Put the Nails in Jesus' Hands

You know what?
I'd hate to be the man who drove the nails in Jesus' hands.
Wouldn't you?
Sing along to GOV. JIMMIE DAVIS on the chorus.

"Well I'd hate to be the man who drove the nails in Jesus' hands...yet I know I do the same when I take his name in vain..."
Jimmie asks, "if he asked you for water would you give him vinegar? Do you know how he suffers when you sin? When you break his commandment oh don't you understand? You place thorns on my Lord's head again."

Bending a commandment more than breaking it, I shalt add some blogger caveats that a) the song is not believed to be in print or available via iTunes download, and b) the rights still reside with Peer Music, Ltd, and c) be glad I didn't also steal "I'd Hate to be the Shmoe who Put his Toe Up Moses' Nose."
I hope the man who drove the nails in Jesus' hands is not only burning in hell, but doing it with an iPod that can't hold a charge.

This bit of country swing is from Jimmie's 1970 album 'Songs of Consolation,' which magically appeared ten years after he was re-elected governor of Louisiana.
NAILS IN JESUS' HANDS No Wait Time, Captcha Code, Pop Ups or Porn Ads. Not for Jesus, by God.

It's Easter - TURN ON TO JESUS (City Boy)

On casual listen, the lyrics for "Turn On to Jesus" by City Boy are oddly ungodly. On the wrong side of the border, a city boy finds a house full of "ladies of the night." But what thrills are they into? One of them cries out, "HEY MAN! Turn on to JESUS!"
The inspiration? Lol Mason and Steve Broughton, the band's lead vocalists, were touring America and got stuck right in the middle of the country. Broughton:
"Lol and I spent time in a dry area of Kansas. There’s no bars, the only place you can get a drink is one of these ‘religious’ clubs, with topless waitresses with dollar bills stuffed in their G-strings, and out of the jukebox is blaring this ‘Jesus is the Saviour’-music. It was bizarre – I mean, that kind of thing just doesn’t happen in Birmingham."
Birmingham, England, not Alabama.
"Turn On to Jesus" was offed by the band's record label, over worries that the song could be interpreted as profane. New lyrics were written. The result was "5-7-0-5," the band's only hit single. God moves in mysterious ways.
In another twist, the lead vocal was not from Lol or Steve, but Roy Ward, who had been brought in by the band's producer Mutt Lange (yes, of later Shania Twain infamy) who wanted a better drummer and perhaps a new sound as well, since the band's harmonizing had been accused of sounding too much like 10CC or Queen.
In the spirit of Christian charity, two more Jesus songs are added for you, having been previously highlighted on the blog: "I Heard the Voice of Jesus" by Turley Richards and the optimistic and ominous "Jesus is Coming" from Andy Pratt.
CITY BOY- TURN ON TO JESUS
I HEARD THE VOICE OF JESUS
JESUS IS COMING

The 3 Nails - 101 year old Gov. Jimmie Davis

"The Three Nails" is one of those story songs that have the ability to appeal and appall. You might recall "The Deck of Cards," which massaged a Christian message into a story about getting caught playing solitaire. Here, the twice-elected governor of Louisiana imagines himself as the guy who fatefully sold three rusty nails to a Roman soldier:
"This is a story of long ago...it was some two thousand years ago, as I recall..."
Pretty good memory. Soldier and store owner:
"I wanna buy some big, big nails."
"Three ol' rusty spikes is all I have...what can you do with just three nails?"
"Did you ever hear of a man called Jesus the Nazarene?"
"You mean the one who goes about doing good?"
"Yes, that's the man. Well, today I intend to show the world that I am boss, for with these three ol' rusty spikes, I'm going to nail Jesus to the cross."
"Please sir, don't do that."
Let's not spoil the ending.
Do you know the story of Davis? Of his poverty-stricken childhood he once recalled, "The first Christmas present I ever got was a dried hog's bladder and a plucked blackbird. We ate the blackbird and played ball with the bladder, and I thought we were pretty well off."
He eventually got off the farm and into Louisiana State University, and as Eddy Arnold and Jim Reeves would later do, jelled his home corn and urban smarts into a smooth succatash that most anyone might swallow. After signing with RCA Victor in 1928, Davis was known for dirty country ditties like "Tom Cat and Pussy Blues" and "Organ Grinder Blues." It was with Decca in 1934 that he had his first real hit, the sad "Nobody's Darling But Mine." In 1940, he copyrighted the uptempo "You Are My Sunshine" which made him a pile of money and helped him become the state's governor. It became Louisiana's State Song.
Typical of a politician, he took credit for writing the song, a claim long disputed. Odd for a governor, he simultaneously served in office and had a Top 10 hit ("There's a New Moon Over My Shoulder" on the country charts) and even made movies, including "Louisiana" in 1947. Term limits ended him after one term and in the 50's and early 60's he made over 20 Decca albums, most of them heavy with Gospel tunes such as: "When Jesus Knocks Let Him In," "Shake The Nail Scarred Hands Of Jesus," and "I'd Hate To Be The Man Who Drove The Nails In Jesus' Hands," the latter two (plus our "The Three Nails") from the 1970 album "Songs of Consolation."
In 1960, Davis was re-elected governor, pledging segregation and earning praise from George Wallace. Like Wallace, in old age he changed his mind about segregation. His old fashioned style of music was still popular in rural locales, and though he was long retired by the time he hit 100, he sang a tune at his birthday party. Wouldn't you like to think he rests upstairs with the Lord? And you, you heathen, are downloading here below...
THE THREE NAILS Instant download. No rapidshare, porn ads, or pop-ups.

I Heard the Voice of Jesus - Jesus Is Coming

Here are two of my favorite "pro-Jesus" songs.
They're not on the coy and cute Christmas compilations everyone's downloading along the Internet chimney.
"I Heard the Voice of Jesus" features Turley Richards.
The title's poignant; Mr. Richards can only hear Jesus, since he went blind before he signed his first record contract. (But really, he who signs a record contract oft is blind). Fate's hideous practical joke was that young, athletic Turley was playing a goofy game of toy archery and got an arrow in his eye. In a twist right out of "The Light that Failed," his "good" eye became affected and began dimming through his teen years.
Richards recorded some R&B and folk before coming to Warners in 1970 and putting this stunning seven minute track on his debut album. The ambitious opus moves from simple, organ-based hymn to folk-guitar ramble, to rockestra epic, and along the way, miracle man Turley Richards transmogrifies from nasal folkie, to deep-voiced righteous brother, to gruff gospel shouter, to the ultimate epiphany of a heaven-bound falsetto.
Today Richards still performs, gives private lessons, and records new material. You can download his latest album free, and then send him a check, which is the ultimate in "if you like it, buy it," and shows he hasn't lost his faith in the good being rewarded. Visit turleyrichards.com.
"Jesus is Coming" by Andy Pratt.
As you might expect from the creator of "Avenging Annie," there is something both inspirational and insane in this song. The back story to Andy is that there was no way he could repeat his bizarre one-hit wonder, with the falsetto, frantic piano work, swiped Woody Guthrie melody and amusing feminist ranting. His Columbia and Atlantic albums were sort of a painful blend of both Simon and Garfunkel, as the tall, frizzy-haired Pratt laid himself vulnerable via the ballad. Eventually he took off for Europe and released religious albums for indie labels. He's returned to the USA with several strange secular albums, including a disc of covers highlighted by an eerie version of "Town without Pity" and a take on "Give Peace a Chance" in which he blanches at saying "masturbation"
"Jesus is Coming," from "One Body," has the stately beauty you'd expect from a film documentary on Nazareth. It takes a literal minute for the instrumental to give way to a drum kick and Andy's slightly Bee-Gee vocal. That chorus, "Closer and closer, Jesus is Coming, nearer and nearer, hour of his appearing..." is just a tad foreboding. As perhaps it should be. The song is comforting but menacing, which is perfect for any God-fearing religion.
Andy declares that when the Messiah returns "...justice shall cover the Earth." If the rising oceans don't cover it first. In that case, put in a call for Moses; he had a lot of experience parting water.
I HEARD THE VOICE OF JESUS I HEARD THE VOICE OF JESUS

JESUS IS COMING

JESUS LOVES YOU. I DON'T - Danielle Peck

Danielle Peck's two-liner is hotter than her eye-liner. (That's Danielle, top right). It's pretty rare to find a Jesus country song that dares to mention Him in anything but a hymn, but the guy who caused a bushel of trouble for Peck is getting off lightly. Unlike the spitting ptooey of a "Harper Valley P.T.A."-type putdown, Danielle sings this kiss-off with just the right poisonous peck on the cheek.

"I Don't" is on the debut 2006 album from Danielle, which seems to be all she wrote so far. But if you pick up the album, you'll also enjoy the slightly saltier "It Sucks To Be You." Mostly Danielle's down home with usual C&W fare, such as "Honky Tonk Time" (all about how "tonight ain't about tomorrow...I just wanna have a good time").

What will happen on the second album of country-pop crossover, nobody yet knows, but here's a safe bet: don't cross this babe, 'cause you could end up on the cross, for sure.
JESUS LOVES YOU I DON'T

15 Versions of Personal Jesus

The illustration is by Lamar Peterson, an artist represented by Richard Heller (at the richardhellergallery dot com). But why not come up with 14 more visions of what a "Personal Jesus" might be. It's not like trying to depict Mohammed. Most Christians are secure enough to care only about their own relationship to Jesus, not yours.

Your download? Fifteen different versions of "Personal Jesus," a rather dark and menacing little number that seems to be about someone who may run a sincere hotline or is just another huckster preying on the gullible.
Since nobody checks lyrics much now that everything is mp3 downloads and there's no CD booklet, here are the words:
"Your own personal jesus. Someone to hear your prayers. Someone who cares...Someone who's there.

Feeling unknown and youre all alone. Flesh and bone by the telephone. Lift up the receiver. I'll make you a believer
Take second best put me to the test; things on your chest you need to confess. I will deliver you know I'm a forgiver..."

If you call this supposed representive of God, keep your pathetic yammering to yourself and DON'T do it from a cell phone. Don't bother everyone else, fer Chrissake.
You get a varied bunch of songs here, from lounge to cool femme jazz to heavy metal and rumbling rock...which will be YOUR personal favorite??
Followers of Mohammed may or may not get multiple virgins after they die, but on the illfolks blog, you often get multiple versions of a song. The Lord moves in mysterious ways.
15 Personal Jesus Covers

"Jesus I Love You" and she held out her eyes

Sadly, for all the good done by Christian or Islamic fundamentalists, or Orthodox Jews, or anyone else with a profound faith that makes them give of themselves...there's a Bizarro world of twisted fanatics who perform Devilish acts in the name of their God.
In "Voices," by The Nails, God tells various people what to do. Or are they listening to voices in their own minds?
(The ill-ustration, as with all photo collages on the blog, is an illfolks original, this one a mash of four or five different images.)
The Nails were a challenging, obnoxious band best known for a smug, surly, somewhat self-parodying stud song called "88 lines about 44 women." They also betrayed a dark Lou Reed side with grudging grunge ballads like "Hello Janine." They were at their glinting black vinyl blackest for "Dangerous Dreams," a 1986 effort produced by Pete Solley, who produced the Romantics and was aboard Procol Harum.
Pete still has a soft spot for his production of The Nails: "RCA completely dropped the ball, but the album lives on as my favorite flop."
"RCA didn't have a clue how to market us," a band member agrees, and the label "only pressed approximately 16,000 copies of this record before the bloodless coup where GE Corp. swallowed NBC Corp. (RCA's parent) whole, spitting out RCA (to BMG) and leaving us well, forgotten."
Wait, it gets worse. Their next album, an indie effort called "Corpus Christi," was a worse disaster. The producer "appropriated the rights and commenced to distribute the record and keep all the money. The record is in the catalogs of major national chains. Why don't we stop him. I'd like to but haven't been able to muster the necessary resource to do so." The album does have the great "Jesus Calling Jesus" cut, but don't buy it! The band member figures it would be better to get a free download somewhere. Like...their website, where you can also buy a lot of their stuff and sample much more: http://www.the-nails.com/disco.html.
Here's The Nails, a band that got screwed. VOICES

Seasonal Songs by Raun & Koloc

Since you'll be sick of Xmas songs soon, I'm getting this pair of ill folkies in before "Jesus Christ" is uttered in disgust at holiday music overload.
Not that this is typical annoying Christmas music. Not here!
Raun MacKinnon's song is about a nun, and Bonnie Koloc's "25th of December" is more a meditation on holiday depression.
Folkies Raun and Bonnie have one thing in common, they both sang backing vocals on Steve Goodman's "Jessie's Jig" album.
Raun, raised in Philadelphia, was signed to Cameo-Parkway, known for greasy male teen vocalists and soul. On that obscure lp her bassist was Spike Lee's father Bill. Her next (and last) stop was for Kapp, where she tried to add more rock and pop (ooh, trumpets lending a religious tone to "Sister Marie"). She taught guitar, and still performs on bills with Christine Lavin.
Koloc? You might remember her sweet taffy voice extolling "Mother Country" in a series of United Airlines commercials. Sort of the vanilla Billie Holiday, Bonnie's voice has a sorrowful and vulnerable quality. Gaining attention in the 60's at Chicago's Earl of Old Town, she's amassed ten albums, briefly appearing on a major label (Epic) before returning to the ranks of individualistic singer-songwriter self-pressing CDs.
"25th of December" (from the OP 1984 "You're Gonna Love Yourself in the Morning" album which also has the infamous "Mother Country") is a good example of the slight funk most people feel when the Christmas punch bowl seems half empty rather than half full. Since her voice really is quite pretty, the needle stays in the groove for the next song on the album, "Lion Tamer." It's about some guy who can handle lions, or pussy. Bonnie is so nice, I'll bet she didn't consider the euphemism in the lyric, and considering it's nearly Christmas, I'm almost ashamed to mention it.
Instant downloads, no Rapidshare or Pop-Up Porn-Ad Referring Links...
Bonnie Koloc
Raun MacKinnon

BUS 22 TO BETHLEHEM

Bobby Cole put so much time and energy into creating "Mister Bojangles...." he pretty much forgot about the B-side!
With almost no production values, he simply got a few session players to back him on "Bus 22 to Bethlehem," which might have suited Bobby (ah, BOB) Darin, who was younger than Bobby Cole but going through a similar time...experimenting with folk-rock after having spent most of his time chasing the inspiration of Sinatra.
A difference between Bobby Cole and Bobby Darin is that Bobby knew Sinatra quite well. Cole was a king of the night scene in New York in the early 60's, when everyone from The Chairman of the Board to Art Carney would want to literally sit in with The Bobby Cole Trio. But by the late 60's both Bobby Cole and Bob Darin were sincerely creating good folk rock. Only neither were appreciated for making the attempt. That's called pigeon-holing. If you swing, you can't rock.
As you listen to this lost '68 folk-rock number you might find some Bob Darin here, or a bit of Bob Dylan too...but the lyrics are pure Bobby Cole. He was quite a literate man, and religion was always something important to him...whether the commercialization of it, the doubting of it, or the redemption in it. Over 30 years ago, Bobby was singing: "the Christians, and the Muslims exchanged frozen looks." Times have changed. Now they exchange mortar fire.
NOW BOARDING: Your download for BUS 22 TO BETHLEHEM No code words, pop-ups or porn ads.